I just received the following comment from Jack. I know I have had the same feelings many times regarding relationships:
Hi Julie,
I have been diagnosed as bipolar type two and have already put my wife through more than I can handle (guilt). We have only been married for about two years. If I had known I had this illness before I would have spared her all of the pain. It hurts me more to see how much my pain hurts her. If there is no cure for bipolar disorder I don’t think I want to live for much longer. When we had our baby everything got worse because of my inability to deal well with any kind of stress. How can I raise a family like this. I love my wife so much. jack
Hi Jack,
First of all- every single person with bipolar disorder has trouble with relationships. This is an illness that affects our ability to regulate and control our emotions- think of how hard it is for people without bipolar to navigate relationships! If you’re having trouble, it’s normal. But it does mean that you and your partner don’t have a plan you can use together to manage the illness. When bipolar is a part of a relationships, it takes a HUGE amount of planning and working together to make sure the relationship stays stable. I know this better than most as I have BP, obviously! and I lived with my former partner Ivan for ten years- he has bipolar one. If you read any of my books- they all explain what it’s like to have bipolar disorder from both sides of the illness. So I know what you go through and especially know what your wife experiences.
You obviously know that things must change. Nothing makes that more clear than having a child. The pressure is enormous on any man who has a child- providing for your family, maintaining stable work, being there when your wife needs you, dealing with inlaws, etc. etc. When you add bipolar it can be like adding gas to fire.
But, as you can also read in my work- it is 100% possible to have stable and loving relationships when one person has BP. It just takes a plan and daily management.
Here are some questions:
1. Do you know your triggers?
2. What are the symptoms of each major mood swing- from depression and mania to anxiety and psychosis?
3. Do you and your wife discuss what it means when you say and do certain things?
4. Do you have meds that work?
I could ask a million questions here- but you get the idea. My suggestions are that you get my books- they are available in bookstores, online and in libraries. My book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder is essential for your partner. Just essential. There is simply NO way she can intuitively know how to help you. She has to learn about the illness and then learn from you how she can help. I also suggest my Health Cards- they are the management plan I have used since 2000. They gave me my life back. It’s so important to see that others go through the same things you do. You can use them together.
My site www.bipolarhappens.com has a lot of free information on the illness I think your wife would find very helpful.
Now, here are some words of encouragement. Not wanting to go on because you are hurting the people you love is all about bipolar and not necessarily about your ability to have relationships. When the illness is managed- that is when you can truly see what is you and what was the illness. I always write about the language of depression- and when we feel the guilt, pain and sadness that comes from being too sick to have basic relationships – it’s a horrible place to be. Especially if you see it’s affecting a beautiful child. I feel the same about my nephew David. I have explained bipolar to him since he was two and he understands that it’s an illness. You will be able to do the same. Having bipolar is nothing to be ashamed of. It makes us feel ashamed though!
I suggest that you give yourself a solid year to learn to manage this illness. You can talk with your wife about this and make an aggreement that ALL of your attention will go to reading about and learning to manage bipolar disorder so that you can be the loving and wonderful partner and father you obviously want to be. Managing bipolar is life long. It NEVER ends, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to do it successfully.
You can keep going even when you’re feeling hopeless and helpless. Just remember, you never have to be completely stable to have great interactions with the ones you love - you can still love and be loved when you’re sick. This is part of the learning process. You will have to learn how to manage yourself when you’re ill (this includes a treatment plan and bipolar meds) and you will then have to teach your wife exactly what to do to help you. You will eventually teach your child the same. These are the secrets to managing this illness.
It’s 100% possible.
Julie
A note to readers- please do leave comments and words of encouragement for Jack. We have all been there! Julie
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