I started to get depressed around age 16. It was assumed that I was just an unhappy and typical teenager- my depression was never suicidal, so it really wasn’t even seen as depression- instead I was just difficult and negative. I just remember being so UNHAPPY. I didn’t like myself or my body- I had a lot of friends - but never felt good enough. I didn’t date - despite interest from guys and I certainly didn’t do the wild stuff that other kids my age did. I wasn’t morose- I can’t even say that I was depressed enough for others to comment on it. My dad was in the military so we moved all of the time- this made it hard to tell if my unhappiness was from the moving or from something truly wrong.

It’s hard to put it all in words. I just don’t have good memories of age 16.
Year 17

Then everything changed. I went to Europe in 1980 when I was 17. For one month I was terrifically happy. I lost weight. I made a ton of friends. I loved every second of the trip. And even now, I remember almost every day of the adventure with photographic memory. It was my first hypomanic episode- and no one knew it- certainly not myself- because I was in Europe and none of my family saw my behavior. When I got back to Hawaii, where I went to high school- the happy feeling ended. I just couldn’t understand it. What happened? I got unhappy again and though there were certainly many good times, I was depressed off and on until I graduated at age 18.

Year 18

I left home as soon as I finished high school. I loved my parents, but couldn’t wait to get away. I went to Auburn University in Alabama for the summer quarter and my gosh I had fun! I got to stay with my grandparents- I fell in love with a football player- I had roommates and did really well in my classes. I felt like a new person! Of course, you know what this means- it was my second hypomanic episode. And just like the first one, I have a photographic memory of the time. When my crush on the football player ended -he told me he had a girlfriend who would be there the next week- I just went down - way down. We had never even had a date- but we certainly flirted daily. I was truly stunned by his not telling me the truth. I was pretty naïve! This was my first down swing caused by a situation with a guy. I had no idea it was bipolar of course- so I had no way of understanding my intense reaction to the situation.

I remember ending the summer wondering where the good feelings went. I didn’t connect the time in Europe with this summer at all. That is the danger of hypomania! It just felt so good and so real- so I naturally thought it was the real me! It’s usually possible to tell that depression is unnatural- but hypomania feels too good to be unnatural. I chased that hypomanic feeling for over 15 years before I knew what it really was.

At 18 I went to another college in Washington State. I was excited about my new life. I started to date- and started a pattern of extremely erratic behavior with men. I had no judgment and my moods were very dependent on the behavior of others. I spent more time worrying about guys than going to class. I got my first boyfriend - a pretty amazing guy in Canada and started to fail all of my classes. It was so bad I actually went to a counselor at school- I was not even asked questions about my mental health- just questions about my ‘life.’ Why didn’t I try harder? Why couldn’t I just go to class like everyone else? etc. There was absolutely no talk of bipolar II at that time- and for the first time and certainly not the last- I slipped through the cracks of the system. My parents had no idea what was going on- my grandparents were upset- and I was pretty much out of touch with reality. I flunked out of school and moved in with my boyfriend in Canada. When he finally broke up with me- deservedly so- I went into a suicidal episode that lasted for months.

Year 19

I moved in with my parents and I remember riding my bike down a small highway thinking- “I wish a bus would hit me and I could die. I want to die. I want to die.” I never actively thought of killing myself, thank god, because I certainly would have tried if my brain had told me to do it. I was 19- I had flunked out of school! This just didn’t happen in my family. My parents had no idea with to do with someone who was, “so smart!” I was constantly asked what was wrong- but I just didn’t know. Eventually I went back to normal and took a job in Montana as a manger of a small diner at Glacier National Park. Guess what happened? A blissful summer full of drinking, men, money and fun. This doesn’t sound too healthy now- but it wasn’t atypical for a 19 year old- everyone else was basically acting the same way! So, once again, I was just seen as a wild girl who drank too much and couldn’t get her act together! “What is wrong with you Julie!” was a typical question. “What are you going to do with your life!” I came back from Glacier and had a period of stability. I then moved to Seattle- got a waitress job and went into a pretty normal teenage life: drinking regularly, lots of boyfriends, parties, wasting money and always looking for fun. (I’m joking when I say I was a regular teenager!) I never saw the previous three years for what they were- three years of constant rapid cycling bipolar disorder. No one saw it- least of all my parents. How could they? I was a teenager and this is just what troublesome teenagers did, right!

To be honest, I did a lot of dangerous things during this time- unprotected se**x, excessive drinking and drunk driving, theft - and then things would even out and I would go back to normal. I remember being so high that I would stay out all night partying. And I remember being so down I would sob until I choked. Who knows what was immaturity, stupidity or bipolar? I can only look back and wonder.

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That is the story of my teens- I feel sadness when I see it in black and white- because it’s all so obvious now - and it just wasn’t obvious then.

My Story is Not Abnormal! (At least not for teenagers with bipolar disorder)

I tell my story so that parents can know that what their teenage children with bipolar disorder go through is probably similar to my story to some degree. It’s a confusing time- being an adult with bipolar disorder is hard enough - being a teenager with the illness is …. difficult.
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The next newsletter will give parents tips on how they can differentiate ‘normal’ teenage behavior from bipolar behavior. This is the only way a teenager can get the help needed to manage bipolar successfully. The good news is that there are MANY, MANY ways you can help a teenager manage the illness successfully.

And…… If you’re a teenager with the illness - I hope it helps to read my story. You’re not alone!

Julie
www.bipolarhappens.com

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