I Feel Better When I Work

It’s ridiculous that I can spend more time worrying about work than working.

Fact: Two hours of worrying about work leads to two hours of more worry. And nothing gets done.

Fact: Two hours of actual work saves hours and hours of worry and things actually get done.

Julie

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Hi all, I have an exciting guest this Sunday on my radio show. Terri Cheney, the author of the bestselling memoir MANIC will be the guest.

We will talk about writing mental health memoirs. So many people write and ask me how they can get their story in print- who better to ask than a successful mental health writer like Terri!

I’ve read a lot of bipolar disorder memoirs- and have enjoyed them all- Terri’s is different than many because of its literary style. It reads like a novel. This isn’t easy to do!

You can visit juliefast.com/radio to read more about the show.

Julie

I just received this comment on the blog I wrote on bipolar depression:

“ I want to die. Can you help me please. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I don’t want to live anymore.”

It’s hard to get these emails- not because they shock me- they don’t, but because I wish I could sit across from the person and tell them why they feel the way they do and that they can get through this.

Since I can’t actually look at the person, I will write them here.

Hi. I’ve been suicidal so many times I can no longer count the episodes.  Suicidal thoughts are a completely normal part of bipolar disorder. We get depressed, manic, anxious and paranoid, just to name a few- and we also get suicidal.

Wanting to die is actually something different than it seems- it’s actually wanting to end the pain that comes with bipolar disorder depression. I can remember being so suicidal that I was rolling on the floor in order not to do something I didn’t really want to do. I’m not kidding about this. The compulsion that comes with suicidal thoughts is what makes it so dangerous.  When I had thoughts of running my car off a bridge, I said out loud, “I don’t want to kill myself! This is not real! This is bipolar lying to me!”  and I kept driving until I was off the bridge.

Bipolar disorder is a VERY dangerous illness. It makes you think and do things you don’t really think and don’t really want to do. That’s why it’s so important to separate yourself from the suicidal thoughts.

I see my suicidal thoughts as separate. They are not me- they are bipolar disorder.  I hope you can do that- if you really examine what you’re thinking, you can see that there is a lot of crap going around in your head that doesn’t represent you. It’s not the real you. It’s the illness talking.

Once you can see the you in there and feel the you in there- you can say to yourself, this is bipolar talking and I’m going to get help immediately.

I assure you- you don’t want to kill yourself. You want to get better. I hate suicidal thoughts because they aren’t fair and they are SO tricky.

I’m 44- and I’ve been suicidal off and on since I was 19. I have survived and you can too.

Here is how to get help- first of all, say out loud- “I’m suicidal because I have bipolar disorder. These thoughts are not real. They are a sign that I’m very sick.”

Next- call your doctor immediately.  Say, “This is an emergency. I have bipolar disorder and I’m thinking of killing myself.” This is an honest way to ask for help. If you fell down and broke a leg- you would scream for help. You have to do the same thing now.

If you don’t have access to your doctor- call a suicide hotline-  if you go to www.moodgarden.com you will see suicide numbers on the left side of the page.  There is also a link there for more help on what you’re going through.

If you’re worried for your immediate physical health, call 911. They know what to do. Be honest, “I have bipolar disorder- I’m suicidal and I need help.”  Or, “I’m bipolar and I just took a bottle of pills and I need help ”

You may notice that I’m being very methodical when I talk with you. It’s because I would do the same thing if I saw you bleeding on the side of the road. I would help you and remind you that things are going to be ok. You just need professional help.  I would never expect you to take care of yourself on your own.

Suicidal thoughts are completely normal when you have a mental illness. They are not the real you.  The real you wants help. There is a lot of help out there.  I encourage you to take care of the you that wants to live and not listen to the illness that is lying to you.  I’m alive and well because I do this every time I get suicidal. 

Julie

I went to the National Alliance on Mental Illness this weekend. It was amazing for so many reasons.
First of all, sitting around a table talking about meds, bipolar, schizo affective, OCD, depression and schizophrenia with people who actually have the illnesses was FANTASTIC!

I met new friends and also met a lot of people who had read my books. I will write more about all of the people I met. They have real and very inspiring stories. The workshops were informative! I learned a lot- some of it not too encouraging and some of it very encouraging.

Most of all, this trip was amazing because I was able to actually do it! Going to Florida by myself without getting too sick is a real accomplishment. I spoke to hundreds of people and sold my books. I was able to work and network and remain positive. I had quite a bit of paranoia at times, but I knew what to do about it.
I have not been able to travel and work for over 6 years. I’ve been able to do some of each- but to handle all of that stimulation at once has made me sick in the past. The hard work is paying off.

I want to let people know that if I can get on a plane and spend three days at a very busy conference- there is hope for everyone. I never thought I would come this far.

I want the same for everyone with a mental illness. Everyone.

Conference details to follow…. I learned so much.

If you were at the conference, definitely leave comments on this blog!

Julie

I have to admit I’m a bit stressed.

I go to Florida for a large convention this weekend to give my presentation: Loving Someone with a Mental Illness. I’m not worried about the presentation. There is nothing I love better than getting in front of family members and hearing their stories- we can definitely learn from each other. I remember what it was like to love someone who was in the psych ward for three months and then still sick off and for a year after that. I can pass on my tips for dealing with the fear.

My stress is from getting ready for the travel. The airline that is too busy to even answer my calls- “We are experienceing a high call volume- you will have to call back later.” The CD’s of my radio show I need to take with me have to get labels on them.”

On and on. I can do it. I just have to stick to the basics.

I recently heard a gentleman give a speech about remembering the basics - he told the story of his son’s baseball team. He said, “The team had done great all year- then when they faced this really big pitcher, they started to fall apart! My son swung at a ball that looked ten feet over his head! If we had just rememberd to play the basics- only swing at balls in the strike zone- we could have hit this guy, but we forgot the simple things.”

There is a chance right now that I could swing at the balls 10 feet above my head! But I won’t. I have a list and I have to methodically do it- no matter what my mood.

julie

Hello! This is a reprint of the latest bipolarhappens.com newsletter.  Please note on the newsletter that I said a friend had trouble because she went off Abilify too slowly! I naturally meant she had trouble because she went off too quickly.

 All About Abilify

Abilify is an anti- psychotic used to treat bipolar disorder psychosis as well as bipolar psychotic mania.  Abilify is also known by the name aripiprazole (try saying that three times fast!) Anti psychotics are also called neuroleptics.

Abilify is considered an atypical anti-psychotic as it has less side effects than the older anti psychotics such as Haldol and Thorazine. It is also supposed to cause less weight gain.

This is a good thing as one of the side effects of drugs such as other the atypical anti-psychotics Risperdal and Zyprexa is weight gain!

In terms of side effects, Abilify can be sedating like many anti-psychotics-  but it can also be agitating. This is a somewhat uncommon side effect for this type of drug as anti- psychotics are known to cause a lot of tiredness.

Akathisia: A friend of mine tried Abilify a few months ago and had an extreme reaction called akathisia - which is defined as a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of “inner” restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless.  She had to go off the med- but when she tried to go down too quickly, the akathisia got so intense she had to go back up on her dose. She and her doctor monitored the reduction of the Abilify very carefully.  She is now stabilized on Zyprexa.

I have akathisia when my Lamictal dose is off. It’s terrible. You know it when you have it as it feels like your body is trying to turn inside out. I get a lot of twitching with it as well. I’m actually going through it right now as I messed up my Lamictal a few weeks ago. Not fun. I am back to a regular dose and hope it goes away soon!  (My mistake was going out of town for the weekend and not bringing enough Lamictal with me.)

Luckily, there is a lot of good news about Abilify- the drug is successful for many people. I hear far more positive stories about the drug than negative stories.

All psychiatric drugs have pros and cons. If your doctor suggests Abilify- there is much you can do to make sure it’s the right drug for you.

- Talk with your doctor about microdosing- if it’s appropriate (it depends on your level of psychosis/mania at the time) you can start with small doses of Abilify so that your body can acclimate to the drug with less side effects.  You can’t do this on your own, so make sure you work with a doctor.

- Keep a side effects journal- it may be that the drug helps more than it hurts. In other words, living with some side effects may be worth it at first. The side effects often get better with time.

- If you have akathisia symptoms- talk with your doctor immediately- this agitation means your dose is not correct. You don’t have to live with excessive side effects.

And finally, DO NOT EVER GO OFF ABILIFY ON YOUR OWN. I can’t stress this enough. All of us who have tried to reduce our meds on our own regret it. These are very serious drugs and we need professional help to make sure we are on the right drugs and right doses.

Abilify may be a wonderful drug for you- it just takes homework and questions to find out what to expect.

Julie

That is the question.  I’m going to the NAMI (National Conference on Mental Illness) convention this weekend. Considering that I’m not doing too well (euphemism), I have to be very careful how I spend the next few days. I realize that what I do today, will determine how well I am for the trip.

I’m going to pack early (for once!). I’m getting to sleep super early so that I won’t have jet lag. I’m thinking ahead for the books, postcards, business cards, etc that I will need.  Doing this ahead of time is essential- even though I feel overwhelmed.

I’m having mood swings (mostly down). I will remind myself that this is an illness. I have mood swings because I have bipolar disorder.

Taking care of myself is what matters. It often means less success in terms of finances (does this happen to you?), but at least I function on a high level even when I feel ICKY (euphemism).

Julie

When I have a lot of mood swings, as I’m having now- managing bipolar disorder becomes my job. Everything I do has to be examined- will this help me get better? Will this make me more ill?

 It’s hard. I just want to be a person who gets up, works, sees friends and family, has fun and goes to bed. That is my dream! I have lived it a few times.

Now the bipolar is back. I have to be ready for it.

This afternoon, I saw a nice looking woman who was in her 50’s walking down the street. She was very well dressed. The well part of me thought, “Wow, those are great shoes!” The sick part of me thought, “What is the point of even looking at her shoes, we will all be dead eventually.”

It takes a lot of work to have conflicting thoughts like these- you have to know what is real and what is ridiculous!  Managing bipolar is my job when I’m sick. I do it 24 hours a day until I’m better.

 Julie

It’s Sunday evening. At this time, I have 319 email in my inbox. This email haunts me! I think of it constantly. I worry about it and fret that I’m not getting it done.  I can’t answer all of the personal email I get from readers in the way I want to- and yet I have to answer all of my business email.

I’ve been doing so well for months. I got my work done and actually went to bed and got up feeling pretty good.

Unfortunately, the bipolar has been pretty rough for a few weeks. This means it’s very hard for me to work.

Thus, the 319 email.

I wrote a book on getting things done when you’re depressed, so I know what to do.

First of all, it takes less time to get something done that it takes to worry about it all day!

So,  I have a goal to get it all done before I go out of town on Thursday. That is plenty of time.

Secondly, I remind myself that I have an illness that makes it hard to get things done-  I have to keep going and do the best I can.

Bla. Don’t you sometimes feel that we have it too hard? Julie

Here is a copy of a recent newseltter.

My Brother Ed Talks About My Mania!

I recently did a radio show on mania. My guest was Andy Behrman, the author of Electroboy. It was a fantastic interview as it’s always great to two people with bipolar disorder to discuss the illness!
In order to prepare for the show, I asked my brother to tell me what it’s like to have a sister with bipolar disorder.  I did the same with my friends- if you listen to the show, you can hear the letter my friend Karen wrote explaining how she helps me stay stable when I get manic.
 
Here is what my brother wrote:

How to Deal with Julie’s Mania

Simple, blunt and to the point…

It’s hard to look for the signs that Julie has taught us. Even after all of these years, a conversation with my mom will have me saying, “Of course! How could I not have noticed the tell tale behavior of the week!”

If I were a casual friend, then I would probably never bother with it and would write off our friendship as too much work. It takes a special (unique!) person to care, learn and follow through on what Julie needs from a good friend. Actually, as an older, middle age adult, I care more about relationships and other people’s feelings.  I think I would be willing to put up with what Julie needs from a friend. As a young man. No way!
Julie’s qualities are worth it though! If it weren’t for those, I could see where some people with mental health issues would be out of luck!

Ed

**

Hmm.  It’s interesting (and sometimes painful!) to read an honest assessment of your own behaviors.  Ed and I have worked on our relationship for a long time. It took him a few years to even understand how the Health Cards work and why they are so essential to my health! He is a good brother. I will write more about how we work together in the next newsletter.

Julie

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