I’m so needy today! I feel like crying and I’m lonely. These are the very typical systems of depression, but they sure are hard to fight aren’t they!

I get so tired of having bipolar disorder

Here is a long post on the difference between feeling sad and having a bipolar disorder downswing……

This can be an awful illness- I go into a downswing when something bad and stressful happens such as a work issue or a troubled relationship, but I also go down when I have a good experience such as seeing an old friend who has to leave the next day. Most people in this situation would feel sad, I get depressed. It’s odd and it’s not fair, but it’s reality.  There is a big difference between a depression downswing and feeling sad.

One of my closest friends came to visit yesterday. He lives in Seattle which is about three hours from Portland. We used to date so building a friendship has taken a lot of time. But we have done it! He really makes me happy when I see him. He’s from Africa and is always smiling. When he went back home yesterday, I was in a fine mood and really thought of how lucky I am to have such a good friend. I then started to feel sad that he had to leave. I’m sure other people without bipolar disorder would feel the same- it’s normal to be melancholy that he doesn’t live close by and that things didn’t work out relationship wise. 

It’s at this point that I go in a different path from people without bipolar disorder- I call the bipolar reaction.  When I woke up this morning I started crying because my brain said that I never have good times and that I will always be single. Then I noticed that the weather was dark and gloomy just like my own life. I worried that my work was pointless and that I have money problems and health problems that are ruining my life. My house seems too small and I’m sure that the people around me have boyfriends and a much better lifestyle than I do. He was supposed to stay a day longer but had work commitments, so I started to get worried I didn’t have plans tonight. I felt that I have no friends and everyone is busy and doesn’t care about me. I cried some more. I wonder is my life is even worth living when I’m so unhappy.

Bla, bla, bla, bla. It’s a broken record isn’t it! I have years of entries in my journal that sounds just like this. It’s mostly rubbish and if I want to get well, I have to fight it. Depression is an insidious monster in my life.  No matter how much I know about it or how many ways I have to treat it- I can still get caught in it’s unreasonable thinking.

I will write  what I do to fight it in the blog below.

julie

Depression vs. Sadness Part II

The problem with depression is that it takes away the FACTS.

Here is the first fact, I only feel down about my life when I’m depressed. Here are some more facts. This wonderful man is a dear friend, but I don’t want a relationship with him. It’s my choice! My house is small, but I’m still very proud to own a house. That’s quite an accomplishment when you couldn’t work for over five years! (before I started the Health Cards) The weather always sucks in Portland in the winter. And it was just as dark yesterday when I was having fun with my friend.

I’ve already talked to two friends and my mother and brother this morning, so the idea that I don’t have people who care about me is just stupid. Not having plans on a Friday night will not kill me- I can always find something to do! Money is a worry for many people, especially now- that is simply normal. My work is what I make it- I can take book deals and speaking engagements that make me happy instead of only focusing on making money. I made an extremely conscious decision to remain single until I was well enough and in a good place work wise as I know what havoc dating creates in my life. It’s a choice! I’m not happy I have to modify my life so much- and that makes me sad, but that’s a normal sad! I could go on and on here- because what I feel when I’m depressed is a distortion of the facts.

I want to stick to the facts. Writing this got me out of my downswing and I will do all I can today to keep the depression from coming back. I hate this illness and it will not ruin my life.

Julie

I now a lot of people with bipolar disorder and we all have one thing in common. We need the people in our lives to be dependable. I used to stay in relationships with people who made me sick. Here is how they made me sick:

- Call and want to meet and then cancel

- Forget we set a time to meet and then tell me it’s my fault as I expected something from them that wasn’t actually confirmed

- Come on strong and then fade away

- Remained secretive even when they knew me well

And finally- these people in no way understood, even when I told them over and over again, that I’m an extremely flexible person in most areas of my life… except when it comes to changing plans at the last minute. I need structure when I’m depressed- not a ‘let’s just see what happens’ situation.

I used to attract a lot of these people- ( maybe you do to!) It’s not good for me. I have good news though. I now have a radar that now knows the signs that someone is like this and I end the relationship in a nice way, but very quickly.

A person who calls or sends an email saying they want to meet – and then doesn’t reply to my calls or responses until they feel like it- is not someone I want in my life. This laissez faire way of life is totally fine- but not in my life!

My life is now filled with dependable people whom I love and cherish. They understand my need for structure. I know how to let go of the people who drive me crazy and hang onto the ones who don’t!

Julie

Relationships that Don’t Exist

Have you ever noticed that your brain can create a relationship with someone that isn’t real? Even to the point of seeing them do bad things to you or cause you problems – all in your mind!

I try hard to recognize this when it’s happening and prevent it from going too far. Only people with bipolar will really get this one as it’s so strange!

What matters is that we never act on these feelings until we are sure something is real. I’ve learned to do this. I have a lot of people around me who can listen and say- “well, Julie. It sounds like you’re making something out of nothing. The person is actually acting pretty normally and you’re trying to make them like you- and they’re not.”

My friends always point out that when the bipolar is giving me a hard time- it makes me think others are going through what I go through so I have the same expectations of them that I have of myself- such as my needed to KNOW when something will happen or having trouble WAITING for another person to do what I feel they should do.

I am not like this at all when I’m well- so I’ve learned what is me and what is the illness and I can honestly say I rarely have problems in my relationships because of bipolar. I still have all of the symptoms and all of the pain, but I don’t take it out on others.

Julie  

 I just received this reader comment from Alexis.

It’s such an excellent idea for people who miss meds. I tend to go through phases where I mess up my meds for days at a time. It’s really dangerous sometimes. I will use this idea if I feel one of those phases coming on. It’s also a fantastic idea for traveling.

Julie-I too had a hard time remembering to take my meds.  I set the alarm on my phone to 6:30am and 8:00pm to remind me to take my meds.  It’s worked great.  The only thing I have to remember is to bring my evening dose with me if I’m not at home at 8:00.
Alexis

I am just winding up the most difficult book I’ve ever written. Believe it or not, it’s not a book on mood disorders. It’s a book on writing ebooks and it is kicking my behind. I’ve written about it on this blog for weeks. I’ve had to work very hard to stay stable.  It’s working.  I basically stopped my normal life in order to deal with the problems brought up by the stress.

In the past, I guess I didn’t know what to do in order to work on tough projects.  I’ve learned a lot in the past 13 years!

- I stopped going out at night completely

- I put my other work on hold even though it made me nervous

- I didn’t clean my house or car! ha ha

- I made myself go to the library to work

- I went easy on myself when I had two solid weeks of rapid cycling with a lot of hypomania

- I asked my friends for help with editing

- I got plenty of sleep

- I really, really tried not to take out my stress and irritation on others

I have talked about this a lot on the blog because I know that most of us with bipolar have trouble working. I want so show that we can work- we just sometimes have to sacrifice the other areas in our lives during stressful projects. I know that I could never maintain this level of stress at work, but at least I know I can survive the shorter projects. Believe me, I am going to celebrate with a lot of karaoke next weekend!

Julie

If you read down a few posts, you will see that I wrote about the ‘holiday horrors’ and how this time of year can be so stressful for people with bipolar disorder. I have received some great comments. I posted one below and here is another one!

There are always two sides to every issue!  I swear, this letter is so lovely and the invitation so amazing, I should go!  

 **

Julie, even before I got to the end of your blog, I just knew I HAD to invite you to my house to celebrate Thanksgiving!  You are cordially invited to attend, and to bring along a guest!  Airfare this time of year is pricey, but you’d have fun and enjoy the area – I live in Stafford, Virginia, which is just south of Washington, DC in a very historic county – first settled in the 1600’s, boyhood home to George Washington.  I could go on just about my lovely area.  But I won’t! I do hope you would seriously consider coming here for Thanksgiving some day, as it is by far my FAVORITE holiday. 

Why?  I dearly love having a full table of family and friends enjoying a meal that I’ve planned for and enjoyed preparing.  I usually don’t get to cook or bake so elaborately since I commute to work, but that is one day where I indulge myself!  Turkey, gravy, fluffy mashed potatoes, butternut squash, veggies, homemade cranberry sauce and homemade dinner rolls…  And then there’s dessert!  I bake a very good pie – so far, I haven’t found any pie that beats mine for either taste or appearance (my grandmother said, “Never trust a woman who doesn’t like her own cookin’.”)  I bake cherry, pumpkin, apple, and caramel-pecan for dessert.  I may also add a trifle or pumpkin roll, as well, depending on the number of guests we expect.  I love the sound of the Thanksgiving Day parades on TV and the smells of turkey and pies emanating from the kitchen.  I don’t feel the stress that Christmas brings (the present issues get me stressed) and I am in no rush to rush Christmas, so the entire weekend is one to enjoy. 

I do not hit the stores on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  I’ll quilt, or garden, or some other enjoyable activity, and munch on leftovers for meals (mmm!) I hope someday you may be able to share a similar feeling about Thanksgiving.  At any rate, feel free to consider yourself invited to our home for the holiday! Most sincerely,Sandra 

 **Thank you Sandra! People are so wonderful! So, now that you have read the few posts before this one, you have some ideas on how to spend the holiday next week. What will work for you to keep you happy and stable on this traditional day?  Julie