I got very, very sick today. I would say the depression was a 9 out of 10. Hospital style depression. It’s now 9PM and I have it down to a 4. I worked hard for that 4! I did a lot today to take care of myself and will write more about that later.
Before I go to sleep and sleep off the rest of this terrible mood swing- I want to say thank you for the amazing comments of support I get from all of you. You know how it is when you get really sick- you just get so worn out. I cried off and on all day and I’m now physically tired….. bla! My mom and friends helped a lot- I am glad I was able to get on with my day as best I could. The odd thing is that there was no obvious trigger. It was what my coauthor John calls a rogue wave downswing.
I got home and saw the comments on the blog- and just felt so much better. This is not an illness that does well in isolation or with silence. We deifnitely need to talk with each other and those who care about it!
It just hit me out of nowhere today! I am glad the day is almost done and I can have a wonderful day tomorrow. I did manage to do fun things today and that helped a lot.
So, once again. Thank you so very much for your kind comments! Julie
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You said that there was no obvioius trigger, but you’d been VERY concerned about the presentation to the law enforcement officers.
Glad you’re feeling better!
Sandra
Hi Sandra,
That’s true- but I always get like that before I have short and unexpected travel- it’s just so odd as the downswing was so severe. It was probably a combination of things. And.. it could just be that bipolar disorder is a rotten illness that takes you by surprise!!
I woke up feeling ok today and I’m thankful!
And I thank you for the reminder that I did do something new the day before. julie
What scares me the most about downswings like that is how easily they catch you out. I woke up feeling down the other day but i made myself get up and go out and visit friends who i had been needing to catch up with for ages. This visit felt like it had help lift my mood. However when i was driving home i was bombarded by thoughts of you are worthless and what is the point. This just overwhelmed me and i just started to drive faster and faster. Then a voice just tells me all i need to do is pull the steering wheel to the right and it will be all over. I had a few seconds of rational thought and managed to stop the car and get myself to a friends house. Once i had cried and talked to my friend for a while (she is one of those friends you cant do without!)i managed to calm down. What scares me the most is that even using every technique i know how easily it can sneak up on you. I am now worried about what if next time i dont catch it quickly enough.
Hi Joanne,
Wow! We went through the same thing at the same time. I want to remind you that you did EXACTLY what I suggest you should do. You did it all and you survived the episode, just as you will survive the others. I always wonder what will happen if I don’t make it throught the next one- but I always do. The voices that tell you to run your car into something are extremely common. Everyone I know who has bipolar disorder has them. They are a stress reaction- and they are darn scary! I talk back to them and say- oh no, i am not going to listen to you! and I drive home. You did everything right- which means you can do the same in the future.
- you got out of the house
- you said no to sucidal voices
- you went for help
- you praised yourself for doing a good job
- you wrote on this blog which helps thousands of people stay well
At some point, bipolar will always sneak up on us. We have to be ready- just like you were! Julie
Julie, I am so glad to hear that your intense downswing was short-lived. I can identify with feeling so scared by those intense depressions. My severe depressions are far between but feel excruciating. When I experienced a prolonged episode of bpII depression about a year ago, it took longer for me to go from good baseline to almost-hospital-feeling depression – but I got there, over about three weeks. I got through it and did not have to go to the hospital. I know sometimes people do truly need the hospital but at that time, my mentality was such that I just wanted an easy way to feel better and thought the hospital could be it. The time I last had felt so depressed was before I was diagnosed and on meds (1995-96), and truly had to be in the hospital to undergo ECT, get on meds, and start my recovery process. My experience prompted the thought that any time I felt so bad, I would immediately need the hospital, ECT, etc. My husband looked at me one weekend during the first, worst part of my 2008 depression – a day on which I wouldn’t get out of bed or shower – and said, “I’ll give you a choice. You can get up and shower and eat the breakfast I made for you, or I will take you to the hospital.” He also got me outside later that day to take a walk with him and our baby daughter. From then on even though it hurt a lot, I accepted that it would hurt a lot to continue in recovery, that some of the pain was necessary – and that eventually I would feel like “me” again. It’s now been a year since I was that depressed, and I am still trying to regulate my emotions and figure out what “healthy” feels like, and try to enjoy my “bigger,” more intense hypomania without it always turning dysphoric. (It’s gotten more dysphoric than euphoric as I’ve been getting older, unfortunately.) Thank you for offering a forum like this where we can share our stories with others, Julie, and thank you for sharing your story day by day with us.
its amazing. i feel exctly how u feel and write. to know another person out there feels the sme is wild.