I just received the following comment from Jack. I know I have had the same feelings many times regarding relationships:
Hi Julie,
I have been diagnosed as bipolar type two and have already put my wife through more than I can handle (guilt). We have only been married for about two years. If I had known I had this illness before I would have spared her all of the pain. It hurts me more to see how much my pain hurts her. If there is no cure for bipolar disorder I don’t think I want to live for much longer. When we had our baby everything got worse because of my inability to deal well with any kind of stress. How can I raise a family like this. I love my wife so much. jack
Hi Jack,
First of all- every single person with bipolar disorder has trouble with relationships. This is an illness that affects our ability to regulate and control our emotions- think of how hard it is for people without bipolar to navigate relationships! If you’re having trouble, it’s normal. But it does mean that you and your partner don’t have a plan you can use together to manage the illness. When bipolar is a part of a relationships, it takes a HUGE amount of planning and working together to make sure the relationship stays stable. I know this better than most as I have BP, obviously! and I lived with my former partner Ivan for ten years- he has bipolar one. If you read any of my books- they all explain what it’s like to have bipolar disorder from both sides of the illness. So I know what you go through and especially know what your wife experiences.
You obviously know that things must change. Nothing makes that more clear than having a child. The pressure is enormous on any man who has a child- providing for your family, maintaining stable work, being there when your wife needs you, dealing with inlaws, etc. etc. When you add bipolar it can be like adding gas to fire.
But, as you can also read in my work- it is 100% possible to have stable and loving relationships when one person has BP. It just takes a plan and daily management.
Here are some questions:
1. Do you know your triggers?
2. What are the symptoms of each major mood swing- from depression and mania to anxiety and psychosis?
3. Do you and your wife discuss what it means when you say and do certain things?
4. Do you have meds that work?
I could ask a million questions here- but you get the idea. My suggestions are that you get my books- they are available in bookstores, online and in libraries. My book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder is essential for your partner. Just essential. There is simply NO way she can intuitively know how to help you. She has to learn about the illness and then learn from you how she can help. I also suggest my Health Cards- they are the management plan I have used since 2000. They gave me my life back. It’s so important to see that others go through the same things you do. You can use them together.
My site www.bipolarhappens.com has a lot of free information on the illness I think your wife would find very helpful.
Now, here are some words of encouragement. Not wanting to go on because you are hurting the people you love is all about bipolar and not necessarily about your ability to have relationships. When the illness is managed- that is when you can truly see what is you and what was the illness. I always write about the language of depression- and when we feel the guilt, pain and sadness that comes from being too sick to have basic relationships – it’s a horrible place to be. Especially if you see it’s affecting a beautiful child. I feel the same about my nephew David. I have explained bipolar to him since he was two and he understands that it’s an illness. You will be able to do the same. Having bipolar is nothing to be ashamed of. It makes us feel ashamed though!
I suggest that you give yourself a solid year to learn to manage this illness. You can talk with your wife about this and make an aggreement that ALL of your attention will go to reading about and learning to manage bipolar disorder so that you can be the loving and wonderful partner and father you obviously want to be. Managing bipolar is life long. It NEVER ends, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to do it successfully.
You can keep going even when you’re feeling hopeless and helpless. Just remember, you never have to be completely stable to have great interactions with the ones you love - you can still love and be loved when you’re sick. This is part of the learning process. You will have to learn how to manage yourself when you’re ill (this includes a treatment plan and bipolar meds) and you will then have to teach your wife exactly what to do to help you. You will eventually teach your child the same. These are the secrets to managing this illness.
It’s 100% possible.
Julie
A note to readers- please do leave comments and words of encouragement for Jack. We have all been there! Julie
Related posts: Reader Comment: Work, bipolar and struggling | Reader comment: bipolar disorder and spirituality | Reader Comment: Success and bipolar downswings |
I can see that Jack is a great guy for having such consideration for his wife. One comforting thing about being in bipolar relationship (I’m in one myself) is that there are plenty support around if we know where to find. Julie’s tremendous work is one of them.
Julie, I have started reading two of your books; I read them concurrently: TAKE CHARGE OF BIPOLAR DISORDER and LOVING SOMEONE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER. I have learned so much in a short span of time and they’re definitely helpful in my effort to try to understand what my partner is going through.
I echo you in your post above. I am devoting a lot of my attention to reading about and learning to manage bipolar disorder so that I can be the loving and wonderful partner. In fact, that was the mindset I have when I first found out about his diagnosis, and set out to do my research. That’s how I bumped into you, your blog and your books. Thank you for your wonderful work!
Oh, wow, can I relate! I wish I’d known about bipolar disorder so many years ago. Fortunately for Jack, he knows what he has and can enlist the assistance of his psychiatrist, a good psychologist, his wife, family, friends, etc. Your books helped me tremendously, Julie, especially “Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder”. I would recommend that to anyone who has bipolar disorder.
It took me quite a while to find the right medications to treat this disorder, so I would encourage Jack not to become discouraged if the same thing happens to him. While there is no “cure” for bipolar disorder, the illness can be successfully managed! I’m a walking testimony to that!
Please recognize this guilt for what it is – bipolar disorder talking (Julie talks about this in her books). When you’re stable, you probably feel better than you do right now. So hang in there, because it really does get better, Jack!
Sincerely,
Sandra
Hi Jack, I know exactly what you mean. I had 2 young children and a husband when I first developed this illness. My husband has stood by me through the most extreme phases of my illness over the past 3 years. I have been abusive, made irrational decisions that adversely affected us all and had affairs. I behaved horribly towards a loving and good man who didn’t deserve any of it. But through it all, my husband knew it was an illness and not really me. So, he hung on in there through the tough times. (Unfortunately, when I am ill, he bears the brunt of it).
It was really helpful to work through a questionnaire with him that I read in a book. It teased out who I am and what the illness is. I am not bipolar. You are not bipolar, Jack. It is an illness that can be controlled and managed. This distinction certainly helped to ease my guilt over things I did when I was ill and not able to control my behaviour. And we can all move on.
Jack, the good news is, I now understand the illness better and can recognise the symptoms and manage it before things get out of control. There are many resources out there and the work of Julie A Fast is up there amongst the best. Have faith that we really can get on top of this and not hurt the ones we love. In fact, I believe I now have a lot to offer my children through what I have learned in managing this illness. You can be a great parent and husband. Keep learning as much as you can and never give up – the answers are out there.
Sincerely,
Colette
Dear Julie,
I am a bp2 43 old who has been struggling for 2 years. Diagnosed 12 years ago. I have your books/cards, go to bed early, run (when I can) walk dogs, try to work from home..a little own apartments. I have a understanding husband, a good Dr., trying to switch meds to help..Lithium,Lamictal, zoloft just added Lorazepam synthroid,cytomel. 5’6″ 130-140 depending how I feel. Healthy besides bp2.
The problem is I think…want your opinion, I have trouble doing just small things, med depression tired all the time anxiety can’t make plans because I don’t know how I will feel. Writing this is very hard for me. On the couch as soon as I am done my check list, sometimes can’t even do that!!
I have a trigger at home 20 yr old son. works 30+ hrs a week, Doesn’t make enough for his own apt. But is saving for one. Has tric, drug problem, steels money and Lorazepam from me -I have to lock it up now. got caught for graffiti this summer went to jail, now on probation I have to make sure he does what he is supposed to do. I talked him in to going to a DR he won’t go back or talk to me about it. I do think he is bp or something else. He has been in and out of trouble since age 14. (but I was stable then).
I try to separate myself from this, he can be a sweet kid too, do you think this could be causing soooo much in stability .. so much I barely function??
Sandy
Dear Jack,
I know how you feel and I have felt many of the same feelings. When I am depressed and feeling guilty I don’t understand how my husband could possibly want to be married to me or why I deserve to be married to such a great person. But through it all he has helped me, and now that I am much better again, and am able to have a “normal” life our relationship is wonderful, and I am able to give back so much to him. Please hang in there and try to remember it is not you being a bad partner, you are a sick partner who in time will get better and you’ll be able to show your wife how much she means, and you’ll be able to take on more with the kids. for now the most important thing you can do for all of them is to let them love you and take care of you while you focus on getting healthy!
Hi Jack,
I can’t recommend Julie’s book “Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder” strongly enough. I even love the title because it’s not about “curing” or “dealing with” but about how to love and care about each other. I went looking for a book that would help my husband and found exactly what *I* needed help with. This book will make your wife nod, cry, wince, laugh, and look forward to the next day at your side. We’ve been married for 9 years, have two kids, and it can be done!
My husband understands himself and what bipolar means for him very well, but to be in a healthy relationship I needed to understand what bipolar is like for a spouse. It’s helpful to know what you’re feeling, but it’s equally empowering for your family to know what they can do and say (and NOT do and say!) to be good partners.
This book is also the best support that I can give my friends and family who have loved ones of their own struggling with bipolar. Instead of just echoing other people’s sympathies, this is really useful tool! I used to uncomfortably whisper about it, “Hmmm, well, I know someone who has bipolar disorder, too….” but twice now I’ve practically been cheering: “I love someone with bipolar, too, and there’s this fantastic book you have to read!” Seriously, it’s that good. Just knowing that Julie is out there, has been-there-done-that and can talk about living with it from all angles is immensely encouraging.
Julie, I really want to hear your take on discussing bipolar disorder to children. We oversimplify it right now, but I want to be more open and honest with my kids, especially as they grow older. In fact, I’d love to buy any children’s books you want to write!
Wow, I’m using a lot of exclamation points. I feel pretty enthusiastic about your book. I love your emails, too. Every once in a while, something will hit home that I take back to my husband and you help us grow stronger together. Today, it was reading your email about cabbage. I have to admit that it made me laugh out loud because it was so trivial and so deep-down true that it hurts. Your mother sounds pretty amazing. Thanks!
Very best wishes,
Jessica
Hello Jessica,
Thank you for your kind comments! Yes, it’s about love and understanding, becuase we sure can’t change people! I agree that I need to write more about talking to children about bipolar disorder. If you do a search under the word David- I do talk about talk about how I talk with him. He is my seven year old nephew! Julie
Jack,
You’ve made a start by coming here. There is hope. I say that after having suffered a year living on the streets due to BP. You can manage your illness. Follow Julie’s plan (health cards). Devoting time to get this handled is a very good thing. I have found medication that is working for me, now. I am on Seroquel. One of the most important things I have done is keep to a sleep schedule, in fact it may be the most important thing along with the meds and family support.
As others have said, your bipolar is talking AND bipolar lies. Don’t let the guilt get to you. You have an illness, it has treatments.
Hang in there, it does get better.
Hello to who ever may be reading this, here I sit another day at my desk reading every blog, web site etc I can about depression & bipoloar. I am a 53 year old man that had it all. At one time I was making more money than I could every imange, still had that deep black hole inside that something was missing or wrong with me. I relocated my family to the south, build my wife of 20 years the home of her dreams to have all of it dumped in my lap after she had a affair. I feel that this diease has cost me everything, my family, business and most of my will to want to live. After my divorce I did the dumbest thing a person could do. Got remarried when I knew that I was not ready, still grieving from my past relationship. Anyway I jumped in with both feet, from there I basiaclly depelted what remaining funds I had on the second wife, who I found out after the fact was married more than 7 times when she married me. What a fool I look like to everyone. Now I wonder each day why go ow, I have moments that everything is great, but then the beast comes back. I am now into another relationship that is great, has been for almost a year until recently. I have never hide the fact that I fight with depressions, she tells me she understands and will do anythng for me. I really don’t think people know the deepth that depression/bipolar has on everyone. To say I am fooldest is kind, the deisase has brought so much pain, I make the wrong decision like not filling taxes for the past 8 years. At one time I had everything, people loved being around me, clients calling my office to request my services instead of me begging for business. I have gone from million dollar homes, to worrying about having the money to pay my power bill. No longer have a credit card due to the fact my credit is ruined. I went from a credit score to over 800 to now not being able to buy anything unless I have the cash. No health insurane to cover any doctors vist or meds. I think I have tried every med out there, it seems to work then I assume my body becomes inmue to the drugs and here I go again. I only wish there was one doctor, one book or one drug that would make all of my pain go away. What scares me now is that I go to bed and pray that I don’t wake up or lay in bed for hours trying to decide is there a drug in the house that I can take to make my pain end.All I want is help and my life back, I know I am a good person but has a mental condition that I have no control over, it controls me.
If anyone can help, suggest or anything to bring the man I use to be back then I would appricate it hearing from anytone.
Thank You