Being honest with the people in your life is very, very hard. I’ve found myself staying in friendships and listening to things I don’t like or don’t agree with just to be a good friend who listens and accepts the other person. This is something that is preached to us a lot- we need to be rational and non judgmental. And yet, there are things people do that I don’t like, but to be totally honest, I’m scared to tell the truth as I fear the relationship will end. I fear that I will come across as non understanding and needy.
I then try to be a good friend by saying to myself- it’s her life- it’s his choice. It has nothing to do with me.
And finally, as a result of this dishonest ‘understanding’ on my part, my upset with the other person’s behavior festers and then comes out in one big scream on my part. I’ve done it over and over again. I’m too understanding of the other person and not understanding of the fact that it’s ok to be honest in a relationship.
It’s ok to say, I care about you, but I don’t like what you’re doing. If the friendship is a good one, it will survive. If it doesn’t – things can end gracefully before you blow up and really feel terrible.
This is advice to myself.
Julie
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Hey Julie!
Honest relationships – that’s a hard one for me. Not so much on the friendship level but on the family level – particularly my husband. He does things that bother me that is true but where I am most dishoenst is where my illness comes into play. I asked him to read your book and he got about half way through I don’t know if he finished it or not. But when it comes down to it I’m afraid to share with him what my symptoms are because hypersexuality is the most pressing of my symptoms. I fantasize nearly constantly to varying degress of intensity and it’s usually about other men. I try to put him into the fantasy but I know in reality he won’t play along so I turn to some other man in my fantasy that might do the things I desire. I’ve been very good about controlling my impulses to follow through on these thoughts but there are times that I nearly have to duct tape myself to the chair in my office. I’m afraid to tell him about my hypersexual symptoms because I’m afraid to tell him the whole truth. How do you tell your husband that you fantasize about other men all day to the point of complete distraction. We have been together since I was 16 and he was my first so that makes the curiosity even worse for me. Any ideas on how to handle this issue? I am very frightened of the response I will get from him but I am also very unhappy and feel guilty to be constantly turning to my fantasies because I’m not getting what I need.
Thanks for any input – I can’t be the only one with this issue.
- Melissa -