I now a lot of people with bipolar disorder and we all have one thing in common. We need the people in our lives to be dependable. I used to stay in relationships with people who made me sick. Here is how they made me sick:
- Call and want to meet and then cancel
- Forget we set a time to meet and then tell me it’s my fault as I expected something from them that wasn’t actually confirmed
- Come on strong and then fade away
- Remained secretive even when they knew me well
And finally- these people in no way understood, even when I told them over and over again, that I’m an extremely flexible person in most areas of my life… except when it comes to changing plans at the last minute. I need structure when I’m depressed- not a ‘let’s just see what happens’ situation.
I used to attract a lot of these people- ( maybe you do to!) It’s not good for me. I have good news though. I now have a radar that now knows the signs that someone is like this and I end the relationship in a nice way, but very quickly.
A person who calls or sends an email saying they want to meet – and then doesn’t reply to my calls or responses until they feel like it- is not someone I want in my life. This laissez faire way of life is totally fine- but not in my life!
My life is now filled with dependable people whom I love and cherish. They understand my need for structure. I know how to let go of the people who drive me crazy and hang onto the ones who don’t!
Julie
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believe me i have A LOT to say about this, but it is late and i need to sleep-one thing i will say briefly is that i am bipolar and i need MAJOR flexibility and if i have major symptoms that occur before a social event, you better bet your bottom dollar that i will need to call and let them know i am running late (or just “running crazy”) or sometimes I JUST CAN’T DO IT-though i try not to go there and if people are crazy controlling maniacs and get mad and huffy at me for being sick-there is nothing that makes me sicker. yet i can see where julie is coming from too where, “hello, could i get some reliability here please?” or i’ll go nuts . . . but there is nothing worse than a pacing, nervous person in your bipolar life!!! ahhhh! so, i need VERY easygoing people in my life, as “control freaks” are the most maddening, and yet re: canceling plans, changing plans, being late, etc. I feel COMMUNICATION is most key here-just call and let someone know of issues/changes asap so they are in the know and NOT left to pace and fret and worry if they are the high-wired type. does this make sense? would LOVE to hear others feedback on this. hey didn’t i say i wouldn’t write now? oh darn i got on a roll (as you can see, this topic is pretty high charged for me!) but you know what is a miracle today? that i get to talk about and work out my thoughts, feelings, and decisions instead of being in the hospital, going through a med change, or getting off cocaine, etc.-now THAT is what i call recovery!!! holiday blessings and richest abundance and love to ALL,
nichol and cats
Julie- Your comment above “A person who calls or sends an email saying they want to meet – and then doesn’t reply to my calls or responses until they feel like it,” is what my 27-yr-old BP daughter does every day of her life. For years she refused to acknowledge her diagnosis of BP but this holiday, I think she “sort a kind a” admitted to it but she continues to refuse treatment becauseas she said to me, “I don’t like the way it makes me feel.” So, here I have this so-called grown up daughter who can’t keep a job, who blames everyone but herself when she loses her job(s), can’t/won’t save money and therefore doesn’t pay bills and has creditors after her, and owns nothing. She screens all phone calls so when we leave messages for her and she finally calls us back (when it suits her) she’ll tell us that she never got the message. She won’t make plans with us but she certainly will with her live-in, who she constantly fights with and who she worries will give her HIV/AIDS if not a “lesser” STD. Yet, she admits she knows we are kind and loving but she gives nothing back to us. After all of this, I guess I’m asking you and your readers – how do I cope? How do I live without feeling hurt because I full well know this mental illness is not her fault…but it is her agency to choose not to seek help and take medication. Any words of wisdom for this sad mom and dad?
oh my heart goes out to this mom and dad posting sooo much!!! i would love to offer some help and will write some more tommorow-in the meantime-be good to yourself PLEASE and try to take care of YOU. bless u
nichol
Hi Julie – I stayed in a 10 year relationship that was the physical manifestation of my bipolar; On/off, high, low, “let’s get married, it’s over,” “I love you/I can’t be with you”.
I was untreated and thought the highs/lows were normal. Now that I’m “well” I can see how much this contributed to my illness and more than likely mirrored the craziness that was going on in my brain. Only an (untreated) bipolar would feel this was acceptable. Now that I’m properly diagnosed and imperfectly medicated I can see the insanity. The highs were fun, bur like BP, the lows were dark, and deadly. Never again. I need consistency in all my relationships in order to maintain consistency for myself. I’m not dating. Sucks. But at least it’s consistent.
When do you tell someone about your illness? How to you explain to someone that you need that structure?