Comments on: Bipolar Disorder and Relationships http://bipolarhappens.com/bhblog/bipolar-disorder-and-relationships-2/ by Julie A. Fast Sat, 20 Mar 2010 00:13:55 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Michelle http://bipolarhappens.com/bhblog/bipolar-disorder-and-relationships-2/comment-page-1/#comment-618 Michelle Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:54:17 +0000 http://bipolarhappens.com/bhblog/2008/11/26/bipolar-disorder-and-relationships-2/#comment-618 I kind of have the opposite problem. My brain does create bad relationships with people that aren't real, but it creates positive ones too. It's weird. I'm borderline too so that explains a lot, but I get really excited sometimes when I meet someone new. There are certain people I just feel an instant connection with. And so I obsess about them and how they're wonderful and want to learn about them and be close to them. They're usually teachers or counselors, fellow mental health cronies or dancers. And I build my life around them thinking that if they care about me then I must be okay. I did this for many years when I was younger with dance teachers in different states. There was one woman who I wrote hundreds of letters to for 5 or 6 years who never once wrote me back. But I kept writing because when I would see her at a convention once every year and ask if she had gotten the letters she would say yes and give me a hug. I thought that's what relationships were supposed to be like. And, in a way, it's easier that way. When I can take a real person I rarely see and give them whatever attributes I want, positive or negative, I feel more in control. You know? Even when you give someone negative attributes or convince yourself they hate you you are giving yourself the control, even though you feel helpless. I have been out of dancing for awhile and just went back to a convention this weekend. And I saw one of these teachers. And I was thinking back over my memories with her and remembered something I had long forgotten. She is one of the reasons I'm alive today. She always listened to me and one time when I was particularly down and suicidal I asked when it was I would see her next. It was about 9 months. And, although I didn't tell her until now, I decided then that I only had to make it until I could see her again. And I fought and fought to make it through that time reminding myself over and over that I had to make it to see her again. Somehow my idealization of this woman, my imaginary relationship, helped me to stay alive. And I am so grateful. :) I kind of have the opposite problem. My brain does create bad relationships with people that aren’t real, but it creates positive ones too. It’s weird. I’m borderline too so that explains a lot, but I get really excited sometimes when I meet someone new. There are certain people I just feel an instant connection with. And so I obsess about them and how they’re wonderful and want to learn about them and be close to them. They’re usually teachers or counselors, fellow mental health cronies or dancers. And I build my life around them thinking that if they care about me then I must be okay. I did this for many years when I was younger with dance teachers in different states. There was one woman who I wrote hundreds of letters to for 5 or 6 years who never once wrote me back. But I kept writing because when I would see her at a convention once every year and ask if she had gotten the letters she would say yes and give me a hug. I thought that’s what relationships were supposed to be like. And, in a way, it’s easier that way. When I can take a real person I rarely see and give them whatever attributes I want, positive or negative, I feel more in control. You know? Even when you give someone negative attributes or convince yourself they hate you you are giving yourself the control, even though you feel helpless.

I have been out of dancing for awhile and just went back to a convention this weekend. And I saw one of these teachers. And I was thinking back over my memories with her and remembered something I had long forgotten. She is one of the reasons I’m alive today. She always listened to me and one time when I was particularly down and suicidal I asked when it was I would see her next. It was about 9 months. And, although I didn’t tell her until now, I decided then that I only had to make it until I could see her again. And I fought and fought to make it through that time reminding myself over and over that I had to make it to see her again. Somehow my idealization of this woman, my imaginary relationship, helped me to stay alive. And I am so grateful. :)

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