Hi! Here is the latest newsletter from bipolarhappens.com.
My Bipolar Brain is Lying to Me!
All right bipolar brain! I’ve had enough! Shut up!
This is what I had to say to myself today when my brain would not leave me alone. I sat outside at a cafe to get work done today. The weather was great, my hands which often give me trouble were not bothering me and I was actually getting work done. But every time a couple walked by I had the thought- you will never be happy like them Julie. Or if I saw a baby- I had the thought- you’ll never have the experience of having a baby. I felt like my life was wasting away and that others were having so much more fun than I was.
This is the bipolar trap and luckily I know enough to eventually recognize what it is and then tell my brain to.. shut up. It’s a harsh way to do it, but when this happens I have to snap myself out of it. Here are the facts outside of bipolar disorder:
- I am currently single because it’s the absolute right choice for me. It’s a conscious decision. I’ve been in relationships for the majority of my adult life and I doubt a year without one will kill me. Of course I prefer a loving relationship as most people do, but now is not the time. Crazy brain.
- I have never wanted a child nor do I want one now! It’s ridiculous what my brain says! My nephew is the light of my life and that is enough for me!
- There is no way everyone is happier than I am. Please!
- In an hour I’m going to meet friends to see a movie and then have a bbq. Why does my brain completely disregard this information?
Bipolar disorder lies to me. It lies all of the time. If I listen to it, as I did for many, many years, I will be miserable.
Saying I’ve had enough! and SHUT UP! to my brain and writing this got me out of the episode.
Julie
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Julie,
I am 43 years old, struggling with understanding my bipolar. I was diagnosed at age 40, never hospitalized, but have suffered greatly in my own silence. No matter what meds I have received, they make me ill. I have read so many wonderful books and through this self-education have been able to watch for my triggers, but the one thing I get confused about is ‘where is the real me’? They say you should love yourself,…but I don’t get that. What part? I spend more time helping other people than I do myself because I don’t know what I want. I am successful at everything I do,…but get bored quickly. Looking back, I can see that over the past 15 years, I have had a pattern of starting something new, and then ending it 9 months later. I say that I am successful because I can make a lot of money with these creative ideas, but I usually get bored and hand it off to some other interested party. I understand the patterns and triggers (because of your book), but I just don’t know how to train myself to trust my thoughts anymore. I feel trapped because I can’t tell anyone about my illness, and yet I feel trapped because whatever I find to do, I am always questioning myself. Am I doing these things because I am Depressed, Balanced, or Manic? I hate thinking in terms of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Not sure where to go from here, but your book on ‘Loving Someone with Bipolar has helped.
Any help,
Gary
{ Gary: hang in there bro! read read read and breathe alot and realize everyone, bp and non alike, are blenderized jekyll and hydes of differing degrees. find people to talk to about what you know and feel to be true about yourself. you got this far and will go farther secure in more knowledge~EF]
Julie,
I am a 41 yr old ‘ultradian’ BP1.
I am having a lousy bp-clouded week and am immobilized in a ball and the only productive thing I am doing is digging around online for the first time in a few years for BP resources.
I’m sort of amazed I’ve never come across your work till now. From this site and all the amazon comments I know I will look further into it. I am in awe of your candor, and SO glad you have levity with all the gravity. I will read this blog from now on.
I wanted to respond to this post esp, as it is the only one I’d seen here mentioning the idea of children/babies.
I am the very BP daughter of a very BP father. It’s clear to me from science, research, and my own life that BP is very much inherited, sometimes very directly.
While I have been an ambivalent fan of Kay Redfield Jamison’s work over the years, one issue that I sharply disagree with her on is the ethical decision of a BP woman to have a baby. Of course it is legally any woman’s ‘right’, esp in America, and options always seem to increase with resources [money, supportive family, education]
However, I feel it’s the worst choice possible to maybe impose on a child a form of BP, nomatter how ‘controlled’ your own case is. This is like deciding it is ok to have a baby who will most likely have any other disease that will color that child’s entire life, simply because a woman [or a couple] wants to roll that dice and feel they too deserve a ‘family’. I feel that this is an arrogant choice, not a hopeful or faith-filled one, but a selfish one.
As an artist, a brain condition that will always affect my perception and expression, and possibly handicap my efforts in life and love, is one that is far scarier to me than a more directly physical medical disorder.
Though I love and respect her work on BP and Creativity, I felt it truly insane that Dr Jamison, a BP woman, would ever plan a biological child, and it colored my perception of her and her work.
Therefore, hearing you, a BP woman near my age, mention that you heard that occaisonal [and I think normal!] voice that may long for a baby of your own now and then, and talk back to it, knowing you have ‘enough’ children in your life, impressed me even more with your outlook.
I have never wanted children [NEVER bio children certainly, maybe carefully adopted in the far future] and have fought for over 25 years with SO many people, male and female, friends and strangers, even drs, who felt it would ‘help’ me to have them, {including a 9 year abusive marriage to a man obsessed with me having his child}. I feel SO lucky that I was able to resist all the hype, as I feel it would have been a grave mistake both for me and for a totally innocent new person.
Clearly there are MANY people who procreate way before they have the time or resources to be really diagnosed BP, and even those who end up with children as a result of BP. [It's not like it's gonna die out of the human genome!] but I think that BP parents with BP children can most always produce conflict, esp during the teen years, with meds or without, and even with the best of support/management. Why risk that future for someone you will love?
Thanks for your thoughts and this forum,
EF