Over the past few years, I’ve worked daily to free myself from the triggers that make me ill. I found myself in one of those triggers last week- and it wasn’t really my fault- but I did walk into something that has made me sick in the past. My therapist was smart- she said, “Julie, think of the consequences of your choices, not just want you feel you should do in the moment.”
It’s hard to have bipolar disorder. I want to be someone who can do things like other people! I want to be able to do something and then walk away from it without going into bipolar symptoms.
Here is what happened. An important person from my past became very ill about six months ago. When I offered my help, he basically went into his typical behavior and told me I was overreacting. There is no question I was not overacting. It’s just his way of handling stress.
This of course made me ill. I worked on it and decided to send him my best and move on. A few weeks ago, I started to think about him a lot. I just felt that something must be wrong. I finally sent him a text this week to see how he was. I thought about this carefully and decided that though he has caused me constant trouble in the past, he obviously needed my support at this time. I was right- he is ill again and will go in for surgery next week.
The problem is that this simple text on my part brought up so many past memories – and his reply- thanks for writing- I appreciate your support- I will be fine- did cause me trouble.
Overall, I did something that has made me feel bad in the past.
It is always a struggle for me to decided what behavior is ok and what behavior will cause a mood swing. It’s not a fun way to live, but I can say that these situations are rare now. I think a long time before I do something. I still make mistakes- but they thoughtful mistakes! ha ha.
I don’t regret contacting my ex. He is a good person going through a tough time.
Now, I am a good person going through a tough time- so I have to take care of myself!
Julie
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Boy, did this ring a bell! I’m always doing things with people that cause a really bad trigger. Right now there is someone that I’m really worried about and I can’t get to them. It has made me depressed and crying and isolated. Not to mention all I want to do is eat. I can’t get through to them and all I’m doing is not taking care of myself…in a lot of ways. Thanks for your story. I felt like I was the only one that went through things like this.