I’m sitting here at my desk writing my column for BP Magazine.  The topic is great- the length requirement is great. I have been writing these columns for years and usually enjoy the process. Today, things are tough. My anxiety is just hitting me from all sides! I feel it in my body- my brain and all around me.  There is nothing wrong- I’m on track to write the article, even though I’m a few days past my deadline.Anxiety can be so debilitating because it’s so physical. I can sit and work when I’m depressed or mildly hypomanic. I can even work when I’m mildly psychotic. But anxiety is tough!!!!!I have to finish this though- I need a plan.

1. Change my writing position. I have a crate I use on top of my desk where I can stand up and write instead of sitting.

2. Do a few minutes of yoga. I have yoga lessons on my Itunes- I can just play a lesson right from my computer. I like yogajournal.com

3. Remind myself that I will feel 1000x better if I get this done today and sent to my editor. Otherwise, it’s just another work albatross I have to carry around.

4. And, as always- I will keep something very important in mind.. all day… I have bipolar disorder. Anxiety is a normal part of bipolar disorder. It comes and goes. This will be gone by the end of the day I’m sure. Especially when I finish this article.I’m glad I have my treatment plan. It helps me remember what anxiety feels like so that I’m not confused about what is happening. Oh, it’s so uncomfortable! But I can definitely work through it!  Do you have anxiety that makes it difficult to work? Julie

Here is a picture of a stand up desk. I have had a lot of success with this style of working- but I have to admit, I don’t have a treadmill attached to my desk. I just use a plastic bin!

Bipolar anxiety is really common when you’re depressed- and a large part of dysphoric mania where depression and mania are combined.

 But there is also just plain old anxiety that visits on its own. I call this free form anxiety as it just sort of floats around and comes in and out in waves.  When this happens, as it is today- I have to remind myself that….

You can work through anxiety. Your body will still function and work can still get done. It’s just not comfortable. After over two weeks of solid mood swings, I’m feeling better, but the anxiety is floating around! I’m working on an article on psychosis. I love this topic and am excited to get it done- so I have to work through this anxiety that wants me to stop. It makes my body feel so tense and uncomfortable !

I made a promise to myself a long time ago- I said, “Julie, if you’re well enough to walk around, see friends and go to a BBQ when you’re depressed and anxious, you’re well enough to sit down and work.”  That’s true.

I am here working- I’m almost done with my article. As I wrote that I felt a wave of anxiety. Oh well!  I’m going to work anyway! It helps to sit straight in my chair and talk in a slow, deep breath that fills my lungs to capacity. I then hold it and blow it out very slowly. This at least makes me focus on the moment so I can get started with a project.

 Julie

If you have itunes on your computer, you can download yoga podcasts and plan them straight from your computer while you do some yoga. It really helps. I like the one from yogajournal.com. You can also listen directly from their site.

I’m in the middle of a very quick, exciting and completely up in the air book project.  The publishing profession is very volatile, hit and miss, unsure, sometimes devastating and when it works, exhilarating and profitable.  It’s hard to deal with bipolar disorder and work!

The problem is that you literally can’t control how things will turn out. But you keep trying.

In the normal process, I turn in my ideas to my agent- she then contacts specific editors she thinks are a good fit for the project. I currently have an idea for a relationship book that’s very exciting.  An editor liked the idea and asked for a table of contents and a sample chapter- four days ago. I have been working on it pretty steadily and I can feel the effects:

1. Too wound up and excited to sleep
2. Alternatively hopeful and fearful- which leads to anxiety
3. Irritated- massively irritated from the stress of having to work so quickly
4. Scared that it won’t happen

I feel lurking, overwhelming anxiety and hysteria in the background. I’m getting the feeling I get when things are getting very overstimulating . My brain is shutting down a bit and I have to put off other projects in order to have enough mental health to keep going with the new book project. I then have to protect myself because I know for sure I will get depressed if it doesn’t go through- even though it’s normal in the business to have this uncertainty.

My goal is to do as much as possible to keep myself in excellent mental health during this process. I will get plenty of sleep and remind myself that even if I get sick, the project can still get done with the same quality as it would when I’m well. And most importantly, I will focus on the fact that I have an original idea that others find interesting.

I’ve spent every day of the past seven years getting well enough to work on projects such as this one! I don’t want to mess up now.

This is one of the reasons I haven’t written as many blogs- or answered the questions I said I would answer. I am consolidating my mental tools.

I love your comments, so keep sending them in!
Julie

PS: I came very, very close but didn’t get the book deal. I handled it well.

Here is a long blog… it was a long day!

I lost an entire day today. That has not happened in a while. I’ve been traveling to see friends and for the most part, I’ve had a wonderful time.  I was able to work with my friend Lorraine as we are both writers. When Lorraine went back to her regular job, my concentration and ability to work plummeted. I’m used to this. Yesterday, I made myself work using my normal techniques and ideas. I made sure I told Lorraine the projects I was going to get done so that I could show them to her when she got back. It’s a technique that works. When I know I have to show my work to someone, I can focus more.

Then today… I am in Florida, so I wanted to go to the beach. The plan was to drive there, walk on the beach and write at a coffee shop. I have a very important deadline for a new book I want to write, so working is essential.

Here is a short version of what happened: The place where I rented a car gave me a piece of junk that was not clean on the inside. I should not have taken the car, but it was the only one. As I drove away, I started to get upset with myself as I felt like a dummy for letting them get away with this.  Then the brain looping started- you never stick up for yourself. Remember when you got that bad manicure and didn’t even say anything? They scammed you! This car is dirty! On and on. To make things worse, the GPS I had didn’t work so I had to use my written driving directions and this is extremely stressful for me.

The result was a panic attack- it was mild, but it was not fun. I finally got to the beach and the weather was dark and windy. And… the beach looked just like the beach in Oregon! I was expecting white sand, blue water and palm trees. Of course,  that is not what you get in Jacksonville!  By this time, I’m losing it. My mind is racing, I’m crying and the stress of having to work is too much. So I decide to go home – and I get lost. Finally, I get the GPS to work and I arrive back at my friends,  almost four hours after I started. It was awful.
I knew I had to do something to feel better. I called the rental company and complained. They are picking up the car and will not charge me.

 I drank a Coke and had fries. (Guess what, this didn’t work! ha ha) Then I went back and took a walk with my Ipod. That helped.  Finally, I accepted that this would have to be a bipolar sick day. The illness was stronger than my ability to work.  I took a break and felt a lot better in the early evening when my friend got home.  I would like to be a different person sometimes. One who doesn’t get sick when they get the wrong rental car!

Julie

I have experienced OCD for most of my life, but I never really understood the term technically.

Many people with bipolar disorder have OCD symptoms, especially under stress. I know that my OCD obsessions come from dating situations, travel and work stress that puts me under too much pressure.

What is OCD?

The initals say it all- Obsessions that lead to compulsions that become a disorder when they affect a person’s ability to lead a ‘normal’ life.

 Obsessions are thoughts- compulsions are the actions a person does to calm the obsessions.

For example, if a person has the thoughts- “I left the stove on. I left the stove on. Oh my god I left the stove on. My house will burn down. I left the stove on. I left the stove on.”  the compulsion to calm the thoughts is to go back to the house to check that the stove is not on. Then for a minute, the person feels better and the obsessive thoughts stop. But if the person has OCD, the thoughts come back almost immediately and then the compulsion happens again.

 It’s a terrible way to end. OCD can be treated with antidepressants and talk therapy- but it’s a tough illness to treat. People with bipolar disorder usually  have OCD in episodes that are triggered by certain situations.  

 If a person with bipolar disorder has continual OCD symptoms without the mood swings, they are often diagnosed with bipolar disorder and OCD.

OCD is one of the seven classes of anxiety disorders which means it’s all about fear of what might happen.  I treat my OCD by removing the trigger than causes the OCD- such as staying away from dating. This has really helped.

If you have OCD symptoms that don’t seem to go away no matter what your mood, it’s a good idea to see a psychiatrist. Remember, people with bipolar disorder have to be very careful about taking antidepressants, so make sure you have a doctor who understands bipolar disorder as well as OCD.

Julie

Most people with bipolar disorder experience anxiety symptoms. I recomend the book: The Idiot’s Guide to Controlling Anxiety by John Johnston.
I learned SO much from this book.

Did you know there are seven forms of anxiety inluding general anxiety and OCD!

This book is good for a general audience as it can help explain your behaivor or that of someone you love- as anxiety is pretty wide spread here in the States!

julie

The US presidential debates started last Friday night. When all of this fighting between parties, and unfortunately fighting between friends started, I wrote a blog on how important it is to be careful not to let all of this upset you too much.

 This comes from my own experience! Even this morning- after telling myself I wouldn’t get involved, I did.
There are a few reasons this is trouble  bipolar wise.

#1. Arguments affect the brain negatively when someone is already in a down swing. I have actually had semi arguments with friends I’ve known for many, many years. We agreed to disagree and the tension eased. Actually, I was the one upset, so I agreed with myself to stop.

#2. Extreme emotion before bed affects sleep which affects bipolar disorder symptoms.

#3. Fear and worry can definitely exacerbate depression.

#4. Mania can absolutely make you do things politically that may affect your future in a very negative way!
So, if you’re political, be careful and think of how your current feelings could lead to mood swings. If someone without the illness read this they would probably think – gosh, just chill!  But it’s not always that easy for us is it! Things are going to get more heated in the next month, so this is just a heads up to myself as well!

Julie