Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category
Saturday, October 24th, 2009
It’s often hard for people with bipolar disorder to know what is reasonable and what is unacceptable. If you’re born with a certain kind of brain- it makes you say and do things that are normal to you. For example, people with bipolar disorder get stressed a lot more easily than the general population. They get more angry- cry more- try to kill themselves more- and definitely get higher than anyone without the illness when it comes to mania.
But that is natural behavior for us! It’s not ok and it’s certainly not a very productive way to live- but it’s what our brains do. So it makes sense that we will all have to learn what is reasonable and acceptable.
How can you stop behavior that is unacceptable and non productive? I have found an answer that took me a long time to master, but I’ve kept at it for 10 years and it’s working.
Here is the answer: I regularly examine how my behavior is affecting all of the people in my life. Do they want to be around me? Do I have friends who actually think I’m a cool person? Do people avoid me? Am I able to listen to someone without talking about my troubles all of the time? And most importantly, so people keep telling me that what I do is not ok and that they want me to stop?
Bipolar disorder is sneaky- you would think that the above would be rather easy- you simply have to look and listen to the people in your life and change your behavior, right? Wrong- our brains are fighting reasonable self reflection. Bipolar depression and bipolar mania lie to us and make it difficult to answer the above questions. But it can be done! How would you answer the questions today? And if you love someone with bipolar disorder, how would they answer the questions?
Julie
Tags: bipolar friends, bipolar relationships, bipolar symptoms management, Bipolar Treatment Tips
Posted in Bipolar Treatment Tips, Relationships | 7 Comments »
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
I live in Portland, Oregon in the US. I work with family members and partners over the phone with my coaching business. I also work with family members and partners of people with bipolar disorder in person here in Oregon.
My goal is to help those in crisis learn more about the illness and how they can help the person they love. I remember when my partner Ivan was in the hospital for three months in a bipolar manic psychotic episode and I had no one to talk to. There was so much I didn’t know and I lived in constant fear. I thought to myself- When we get through this- I’m going to write a book- and I did. Now I’m glad I can now work one on one with those in the same place I was all of those years ago.
If you have a loved on newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and in the hospital, a teen who needs a plan so that you all can manage the illness together or a partner you’re scared of losing, please look over my coaching plans. I want everyone to have the information and education needed to help a person with bipolar disorder find true stability. But most of all, I want family members and partners to get the help they need as well!
Please visit here for more information:
Julie
Tags: bipolar coahc, Bipolar Help, family bipolar, partner bipolar
Posted in Friends & Family, Relationships, coaching | 2 Comments »
Sunday, July 19th, 2009
Here is a reader question from my blog on respect in relationships:
Hey Julie!
Here’s a terrible question. What if the person who is not treating you with love and respect is your husband of 16 years? My friends comment on how he treats me. He’s not a complete ogre – just mostly. But I’m afraid to address the issues and stand up to him and advocate for what I need. Any thoughts?
Hi M,
This is not a terrible question AT ALL. It’s essential that we know who exacerbates our mood swings before we can actually do something about it. At least you’re not lying to yourself and that’s admirable. Here is my advice- the day that you decide you are worth more than the pain- and that you will not longer be treated disrespectfully is the day that you will stand up to him and say-
I love you. But I am no longer willing to allow you to treat me this way. I am changing and doing all that I can to manage my illness. I would like your help and support, but if you feel you can’t give it to me- I will find support in another way. I know who I am and what I want from life. I choose to have people in my life who respect this. Can we work on this together?
At this point you’re probably saying- Julie, you’re crazy- he will never listen to me! But that is not the point. What matters is that you say it over and over again. I have also found that just being silent helps. If there is no fuel there is no fire.
My brother is so moody that I literally have no idea what mood he will be in day to day- but I know who I am and how I will react. I am stable and steady around him. He does not control me nor does he have to affect my moods. It took me a long time to realize this. He’s a wonderful man when he’s normal and a mean and yelling man when he’s not. I encourage the normal and don’t react to the meanness- instead I say – This is not ok. I will not be treated this way. I would like to have a good relationship with you, but I won’t put up with this. And then I walk away. Just the other night he got mad at me and yelled about something so stupid! I just sat there until it ended and we went on with the conversation. For most of the time we have a great relationship. He knows full well that he’s unreasonable and he’s not a happy person in many ways- but he’s my brother so I let him be who he is- but our time together is determined by his mood. There are defintely times when I cry and get depressed becuase of his behavior- it’s a typical physiological reaction to our interaction- but it’s a lot less than it used to be.
It’s hard to do this- but my health is far more important than his anger. He has to deal with that on his own. You have spent 16 years with your husband. It’s now time to decide if you want to spend 16 more years with a man who treats you disrespectfully. If the answer is yes, then it’s time for you to change and see if he can keep up! 
Wow, I went off on a tangent, but I hope this helps!
Julie
PS: I have learned a lot from the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. My book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder is great even when you have the illness. It teaches skills for both partners regarding the illness and the communication problems that can arise!
Tags: , Bipolar Disorder, bipolar relationships, husband bipolar, loving someone with bipolar disorder, the four agreements
Posted in Reader Questions, Relationships | 1 Comment »
Friday, June 26th, 2009
Here is a question from Liz.
Her partner has bipolar disorder and recently got out of the hospital. She asks an interesting question- as a partner of someone with the illness, where does help end and needing the person to take care of themselves on their own begin? It’s surely a fine line. I read the question and answer it on the podcast below.
Hi Julie,
I just want to say thank you for having this site and writing your books. My husband was just diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in December after a very scary manic episode where he was on the roof of a McDonalds 45 minutes from our house.
I have learned a lot about bipolar disorder through your book, Loving someone with bipolar disorder and he has just to really begun to read Take charge of Bipolar disorder.
He is on medication and was on sick leave from his job for 6 months and has just returned last week on a light duty schedule. We have a long way to go. As you know, there are bad days and good days. One of our biggest problems is when it is time to go to sleep at night. He cannot go to sleep unless I am in bed with him. We seem to go through the same ritual every night. He goes to bed much earlier than me because he has to get up much earlier for work. He sits on the side of the bed and says, “this can’t be happening to me or I hate feeling this way. After about 10-15 minutes, he then lays down and puts his sleep machine on (sleep apnea) and falls asleep within 5-10 minutes. It is very frustrating for both of us. Any suggestions.
Hi Liz,
I like to answer reader questions on a podcast because it’s just so much more personal when I say in my own voice- I have been there, my ex who has bipolar one has been there, most of the readers and their family members have too!
This illness is frustrating, but it is treatable.
You can listen to the audio below for my answers to your question.
Julie
Standard Podcast [16:04m]:
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Tags: bipolar and hospitals, bipolar disorder relationship problems, Bipolar Supporter, bipolar supporter taking care of yourself, hospital and bipolar, just diagnosed
Posted in Podcasts, Relationships | No Comments »
Monday, May 25th, 2009
A big bipolar disorder treatment secret… .
Surround yourself with people who love and respect you. It’s that simple. I’ve been around people who say they care about me and that they want to be with me- but in reality they didn’t love and respect me. It’s all about them.
I don’t want people like that in my life. I used to know quite a few of them and I have met a few lately- but I’m getting better at seeing them at face value when we meet.
People who don’t love and respect me but still want something from me make me sick. Literally!
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone who so disrespects me they would continue behavior I have asked them to stop. The only thing I can do in a situation like this is say a strong GOOD BYE!
On the other hand, I have to be aware that I am sometimes the person who doesn’t act with love and respect. If I’m nervous, scared, intimidated or worried I will be rejected, I too can act unkindly. I can also act in ways that are confusing to others. Depression can distort situations to the point that I assume someone doesn’t care about me so I will make sure I leave first- and it may all be in my head. It’s human nature to want to hurt someone before they can hurt you. It’s our self preservation gene! There is just no way to be perfect in relationships- but we can at least be aware of our own behavior. Mine is not always stellar, but I am trying. This has really improved my stability.
Julie
Tags: Bipolar, bipolar affective disorder, bipolar depression, Bipolar Disorder, bipolar disorder dating, bipolar disorder relationship problems, bipolar disorder sex, Bipolar Help, bipolar illness, bipolar mania, bipolar questoins, Bipolar Treatment Tips, bipolar triggers, bipolarhappens.com, bp magazine, dating help bipolar, DBSA, Get It Done When You're Depressed, julie fast, juliefast.com, loving someone with bipolar disorder, manic depression, manic episode, NAMI/DBSA, relationship help bipolar, Relationships, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, www.bipolarhappens.com, www.juliefast.com
Posted in Relationships | 5 Comments »
Monday, May 4th, 2009
Bipolar Disorder?
Ha. ha. ha.
I haven’t been stable for days. It’s up and down all day long. You would think that after 15 years I would at least be used to it. I’m not- I’m resigned to it and I definitely know how to deal with it- but I’ll never get used to it. I am not sure that’s possible. Let’s put it this way- I live with it. It’s all you can do.
I have a dear friend in town. I was upset because I wanted to see her and she had other obligations. I felt like a needy, whiny friend- but I kept it to myself as she is so dear to me and I know she cares about me. Of course, she did have time planned to be with me. And then after we had spent part of the day together- which was great! I felt overwhelmed and had to leave. It’s so freaking stupid. Then I felt guilty for being over stimulated. Of course she totally understood and I will see her tomorrow.
Lesson learned: For the great majority of time, I am very wrong when I assume what others are thinking. I get lonely and think that no one cares about me- which is ridiculous. I know I will have to be alone quite often- and I have to deal with it.
And finally, I’ve learned to absolutely not bring up my worries and feelings and hurts until I know the whole situation- my reaction is usually bipolar disorder blowing things way out of porportion. Instead of saying- why aren’t you paying attention to me? I waited and realized she planned to see me all along.
I hate what bipolar disorder does to my mind- I hate what it does to my emotions- but I now know how to control it enough to make sure my relationships stay strong.
Julie
Tags: Bipolar, bipolar affective disorder, bipolar depression, Bipolar Help, bipolar illness, bipolar mania, bipolar questoins, bipolar rapid cycling, Bipolar Treatment Tips, bipolar triggers, bipolarhappens.com, bp magazine, DBSA, general bipolar disorder, Get It Done When You're Depressed, julie fast, juliefast.com, loving someone with bipolar disorder, manic depression, manic episode, NAMI/DBSA, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, www.bipolarhappens.com, www.juliefast.com
Posted in About Julie, Relationships | 2 Comments »
Monday, April 27th, 2009
I went to the wedding of an old flame of mine yesterday. Believe me- seeing someone get married is a wonderful thing- but it can be a rather depressing thing when you’re already depressed- and you’re seeing an ex look so happy! (Depression makes a person very selfish! )
My downswing from last Thursday has continued off and on. The secret is to keep doing exactly what you would do if you were NOT depressed. That is what keeps me going. I drove to Seattle from Portland- met a dear friend and went with her to the wedding. My mom came with me on the trip- so that was nice. And all the time- I was sad and depressed on the inside – and trying hard to be normal on the outside. I did a really good job which means that I actually did have a lot of good times on the trip!
It is possible to over ride depression and have a good time for at least a few hours. When it comes back- you have to remind yourself it’s an illness. There is a kind of sadness that you feel when someone you love moves on- and then there is depression – they are very different. Sadness is real- it has a cause- it has feelings related to the situation- it’s normal.
Depression is unrealistic- it blows the situation out of proportion- it lies! I can deal with sadness and examine my feelings as they are real- but I must always say no to depression.
It’s Sunday night and I feel the best I have felt since getting so sick on Thursday. It’s possible to deal with depression – it just takes time and a plan. I plan to have a good day tomorrow.
I hope that your mood swings are in control- and I hope that if you love someone with this illness – you can learn from my story that it’s very treatable!
Julie
Tags: Bipolar, bipolar affective disorder, bipolar depression, bipolar depression medications, Bipolar Help, bipolar illness, bipolar mania, bipolar questoins, Bipolar Treatment Tips, bipolar triggers, bipolarhappens.com, bp magazine, DBSA, Depression Help, general bipolar disorder, get it done julie fast, Get It Done When You're Depressed, help me bipolar, julie fast, julie fast books, julie fast depression books, juliefast.com, loving someone with bipolar disorder, manic depression, manic episode, meds for depression, NAMI/DBSA, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, terrible bipolar symptoms, www.bipolarhappens.com, www.juliefast.com
Posted in About Julie, Depression, Relationships | 1 Comment »
