Hi Julie,

My son, age 33, is bipolar and has made bad choices/decisions.  I have tried to assist him over the recent past.  The issue is how do I tell whether I am assisting or enabling.  I am looking for appropriate support organizations or resources to guide me.

Can you advise me?

Thanks,

R

Hello R,
 
You can look into the family to family program at NAMI- if you go to www.nami.org you can find a location near you.
 
My book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder is for couples, but it has great info that you can use as well – the issues of caretaking are the same.

BP Magazine at www.bphope.com has a lot of info for families. I write a column for each issue.

My family uses my Health Cards to help me. They are life savers. You can use them yourself whether your son participates or not.

I need to write a book completely for family members!

These are resources here in the Us. I will find some more worldwide organizations and post them later.

Julie

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Hello All,
I’m doing a very special interview with my mother this week on the Julie Fast Radio Show. If you would like to ask her a question, please send me an email and I will try to answer it on the air. I can’t guarantee it will be on, but I will get to all that I can. 

I have to say that my mother is an expert on helping a child who has bipolar disorder. We have worked together to manage this illness for eight years. We have some good tips that can work for all families.

My mother and I will talk at length about the Health Cards and how they literally saved our relationship. (If you’re new to this blog, the Health Cards are the treatment system I talk about on my site bipolarhappens.com)

You can go to www.juliefast.com/radio to send an email. You can also listen to the archived shows from the past two  months. I especially recommend the show with Don Moore- a friend of mine whose daughter has schizophrenia. 

 
I never thought I would be well enough to work again- but it’s happening. I just want to remind you to never give up- just over a year ago I was too ill to work full time, but today I can. I’ve made a lot of scarifies to get here, but it’s worth it. Working is wonderful and I don’t take it for granted!

Julie

Bipolar has been terrible on my mom. She spent so many years trying to figure out how to help me. To be honest, I didn’t know what would help me before I started my Health Cards!

Things are so different now. Sometimes I get mad at her when she says, “Julie, you’re showing the signs of mania. You have to be careful. Are you doing something about it?” I taught her to ask these questions and it helps, but I often just think, good god woman! Just leave me alone!

I am a mess without her help though- she sees what I can’t. We are a team.

I still don’t think my father really understands me- we live in different states. But I know he is trying.

I just realized that ‘we live in different states’ is a double entendre!
Julie

Negative thoughts are a normal part of depression- this means that you’ll have them no matter what you really think about a situation. I know I used to! I was a @$#%. You can fill that in with any word you like. Nothing was ever good enough. When I lived in Japan for three years- I complained for three years- I just can’t believe that people put up with me! It was awful- and now I feel I wasted so much time there with my anger and irritation. In hindsight,  most of this was due to untreated bipolar disorder. I still have some of the thoughts now- I still want to kick things and yell at people – but I just don’t do it. It’s a struggle- especially with email as it’s so easy to complain on email. But I don’t do it! I truly try to step back and think before I do something stupid.
The thoughts are still there- my brain still races all night when I feel someone has done me wrong- or when I feel I’ve been treated unfairly- but it’s often just bipolar talking. I can listen, but I don’t have to act on the thoughts. This saves relationships and saves me a lot of stress.

Julie

In part one of this series, I told my story of how I was very obviously bipolar when I was a teenager- but had no idea what was going on! My mother read the newsletter and said, “We didn’t think there was something wrong with you- you just seemed typical- you weren’t way out there ever. You were bored, but not to the point that we thought we had to do anything about it. I had no idea about the mania. I wondered why you didn’t do more things with your intelligence and that kind of stuff- but not even to the point that you would even be classed as ADHD.”

She was right- I didn’t have severe depression.  I lived at home and all of my hypomania was away from home. She never saw me hypomanic until I was 23 - (wow, that was a bad one!) All of my mania happened during trips. I was wild at least a few times a year, but never in the presence of my family! I find it amazing that I started with more mania than depression, because once I hit my later twenties- it was 99% depression. What a tricky illness.

A Friend’s Story

I asked a friend of mine who has bipolar I to tell me her teenage story. She said, “I was mostly depressed when I was a teenager. I don’t remember being manic.” After she wrote out her story she called and said, “Julie. I can’t believe it. I can see I was manic. I went to five proms!”

Here is my friend’s story:
 
I had my first depressive episode at 17.  I was so depressed I couldn’t understand anything in school, even though I had been an honors student.  When my sister, my main support, left for college, I didn’t want to live.  I overdosed on Contact and when I realized what I had done, I called an ambulance and got my stomach pumped.  And then, as though it never happened, I started feeling better.
But then I lost my period for 8 months and was feeling depressed the following year.  At the same time the following year, I overdosed on pills and went through the same thing over again.  My parents, divorced then, stood over the hospital cot, blaming each other.  But get this, even though I had two major depressive episodes, I ended up going to five proms, yes five.  And I did well in school, taking all the AP classes. Because I had some upswings. I can see that now. I believe I was undiagnosed as BP, and had been treated by an incompetent doctor for a couple of years.  I don’t remember what he put me on.  I remember feeling sedated in high school.  It wasn’t until 1990, when anti-depressants were spoken of that I started taking them which then in turn made me go manic and was finally diagnosed as having bipolar disorder.

**

If you’re a parent of a teen with bipolar disorder, here are some tips for helping your child while helping yourself. These are general tips. I know that many of you are in crisis. That is a separate topic- one I will address in the future.

#1 Know that your teenager may have no idea what is happening: Being a teenager is confusing. They are just beginning to learn about themselves and how they interact with the world. Their brains are immature- in other words they are literally still growing. Because of this, the maturity to deal with the symptoms caused by bipolar disorder is very limited. They don’t want to hurt you- they don’t want to run away or refuse meds. They want to be happy. Doesn’t everyone? So, when they yell, act up, leave, take drugs, have promiscuous sex, hear voices, have nightmares, flunk out of school, say mean and untrue things, try to kill themselves or make you feel like a terrible or ineffectual parent- remember, this is an illness. This doesn’t excuse their behavior at all- it still hurts and damages families- but you need this understanding before you can start a successful treatment plan with your child.

#2  Write down your teenager’s symptoms: All of them. As you know from the Health Cards, we can only treat what we understand. Get out a yellow pad and on the top of each page write: depression, mania, OCD, anxiety and psychosis. Then, on each page write as much as you can regarding what your teenager says and does. Once you have a list, memorize it- this is how you know what is bipolar behavior and what is teenage behavior. For example, typical teenagers get angry, but they don’t beat up strangers; typical teenagers have ‘low self esteem’ but they do NOT try to kill themselves; typical teenagers may want to stay up all night- but they get tired. Kids with bipolar can stay up all night and not get tired - or simply can’t sleep at all. As you can see, you can learn the differences. I use the Health Cards for this- and yes, I started with yellow pads!

#3 Read books on bipolar disorder - all that you can find. Especially mine as they are written by someone who was a teenager with the illness- even if your child will not listen to you or even admit they have the illness after they are diagnosed, you have to know all that you can. This helps you have compassion and understanding versus constant confusion and frustration. Remember, just because you may have a teenager who won’t read- you can. You have to know what you’re up against before you can help your teenager get better.

#4 Give your child a yellow pad with the same words on the top that you used and say, “Please tell me what you feel when you have these mood swings. I want to know what you’re going through.” Many kids can write down what they can’t say. There are many teens who have bipolar disorder and accept the diagnosis, but they are often very confused and not aware of their symptoms. Seeing them in black and white is comforting- especially if they can compare them to a list from someone else with the illness. You can then compare your lists and actually talk about the illness and how you’re going to treat each mood swing separately- this is the foundation for my treatment plan. It changed my life and the life of my family.

#5 Take care of yourself first. This is an amazingly hard thing to do when you have an ill child. But you have to do it. Or you will get sick - you will lose your relationships and have trouble at work. You will lose YOU. This means you have to get used to feeling guilty, worried, lonely, worthless, hopeless and very scared. These are often the feelings that come up when you put yourself before your child. I don’t mean to do this all of the time- but you have to do it often enough to be well enough to get through a crisis. You need to do this so that you can provide the stability your child desperately needs.

It’s Not Fair!

Life is not fair when your child has bipolar disorder. It certainly hasn’t been fair for my family, but we have survived. We get along well - and that is amazing considering that I was untreated for over 15 years! Creating a management plan that can be used for the whole family takes a lot of work, but it can be done. No matter how hard it is now, always remember, your teenagers will not be teenagers forever- and if you have a plan in place, they will appreciate it so much when they are adults. 

The next newsletter will address the big stuff: refusing the diagnosis, drugs and alcohol, running away and jail, just to name a few. You are not alone- at all- if your teenager with bipolar has these problems.  Never forget- there is HOPE. It takes a management plan and a lot of love- but you can have a stable and happy family.