When I have a lot of mood swings, as I’m having now- managing bipolar disorder becomes my job. Everything I do has to be examined- will this help me get better? Will this make me more ill?

 It’s hard. I just want to be a person who gets up, works, sees friends and family, has fun and goes to bed. That is my dream! I have lived it a few times.

Now the bipolar is back. I have to be ready for it.

This afternoon, I saw a nice looking woman who was in her 50’s walking down the street. She was very well dressed. The well part of me thought, “Wow, those are great shoes!” The sick part of me thought, “What is the point of even looking at her shoes, we will all be dead eventually.”

It takes a lot of work to have conflicting thoughts like these- you have to know what is real and what is ridiculous!  Managing bipolar is my job when I’m sick. I do it 24 hours a day until I’m better.

 Julie

I was just going over some old notes and I found this paragraph:

Bipolar disorder takes away our ability to evaluate ourselves realistically and calmly. Our behaviors and thoughts are seen through a bipolar disorder filter and this filter distorts everything. It’s hard to be kind to yourself, be rational or calm when this filter distorts everything in your life. The solution- recognize that the filter is there- learn how it distorts your thoughts, feelings and actions and then do everything you can to get rid of the filter so that you can make decisions from the real you.

This is so true isn’t it! I always have to remind myself that thinking my life is terrible when it isn’t is a sign that I’m sick. In fact, nothing is really terrible in my life- I may be unhappy or things may not be going well, but overall, my main problem is bipolar disorder. If I can remember that and treat the bipolar disorder first, then I can make rational decision and be a lot happier with my life.

Before I wrote the Health Cards to help manage my bipolar disorder- my friends had no idea what was going on with me. Actually, I had no idea what was going on with me!
I have taught my friends how to use the cards. They know my symptoms now- because I showed them my symptoms from the third column in the cards. This isn’t an intuitive thing to do. Many people with bipolar disorder keep silent about their symptoms. I couldn’t. They affected my friendships too much. I have a friend- a guy friend – who always asks me, ”Julie, when you say ‘I’m sick today’- what does that mean?” I am so impressed and thankful that he truly wants to know what bipolar does to me.” So, I tell him what it means and now he knows when I say ‘I’m sick today’ that I’m depressed and having a tough time functioning. He can then remember what my Health Cards say about depression and how he can help me. Instead of being freaked out, he asked questions. That is what the Health Cards are all about.

I can hear myself talking and talking these days. I have trouble letting people finish their sentences and always feel the need to get my words in. It’s embarrassing as it’s hard to monitor when I’m actually in a conversation. I know it’s happening! But it feels so good to talk- especially after a depression has made me less interested in life.My friends are used to my talking- I just apologize and try to be a good listener when I’ve got too much manic energy.

 A friend of mine just had to up her Zyprexa due to paranoia. She was really trying to make it on a lower dose, but had to face the reality of her psychosis. I am so proud of her for being able to take care of herself.  Another friend went off her meds and called me crying on Saturday- she said,  “I was doing so much better! I thought I didn’t need them.” The interesting thing is that she’s a doctor! No matter how educated we are or how smart we are, bipolar disorder can still trick us regarding medications.    When the meds are working long term , it’s hard to feel them working.  My mind often says, “You’re doing well today Julie. It won’t matter if you just skip a dose. Opening all of those pill bottles is such a bother.” This is not the voice of reason! The voice of reason reminds me of what life was like before I had my Lamictal- or before my friend had her Zyprexa.  It reminds me that it’s not normal for my doctor friend to cry when she calls me.   Meds work.  They don’t take away all of my symptoms- but they help. I managed bipolar disorder on my own for over 10 years- it’s possible to do, but extremely difficult. When I found a medication that worked, I still had to manage the illness daily – but it’s a lot easier now. If you’re struggling with your meds, don’t give up. It took me a long time to find the right one for myself, but I’m so glad I kept trying.  I now use the med as part of my overall treatment plan. I’m doing a lot better these days, that’s for sure. Julie  

http://www.bipolarhappens.com/bhvideos/juliefastamnorthwest.flv Julie appeared on KATU’s AM Northwest in Portland, Oregon on January 17, 2008.  You can see the interview by pressing the arrow in the screen above.