I have said this to myself many times in the past 15 years since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Just a few weeks ago I dealt with a lot of suicidal thoughts- even when I was crying and scared, I said, “Julie, it’s bipolar disorder. It’s going to be ok.”When I wake up depressed and think, “Oh no, not another day of depression!” I say to myself, “Get up Julie. Make it a day that isn’t ruled by depression. Then it will be ok.”Oh man. I get tired of this illness, but it’s treatable. I woke up slightly depressed this morning. I then made myself focus on what was going well in my life and the depression didn’t feel so overwhleming. Once I got up and got going, the day looked more positive. It’s getting up that makes the difference.If you’re sick today- it’s going to be ok. If you were super sick and just got out of the hospital it’s going to be ok. And if you just went through a summer mania where you did some really stupid things- you can get through that as well. I got through a three month long hypomania on a Navy Base in Yokosuka, Japan in 1987. There was a lot of partying going on and then a lot of depression when I got back to the states. I wasn’t diganosed until 1995. Oh how I wish I had been diagnosed then! I had my first mania episode at 17 and my first suicidal depression at 19. I’m 45 now and I’m ok!Julie
Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category
It’s ok. It’s going to be ok. You are ok.
Thursday, July 9th, 2009Living with bipolar suicidal thoughts…
Thursday, June 25th, 2009Hi, It’s hard for me to write blogs when I’m so suicidal. I wrote a few days ago about a bad experience with Zoloft that put me into a severe downswing.
I just had a conversation with my coauthor Dr. John Preston and he said, “Julie, you always keep the fighting attitude alive. You keep moving even when it’s hard to keep moving.”
And then we asked the question- What’s the alternative!
I don’t want to kill myself, but my brain doesn’t get the message sometimes. I was crying in bed last night with the thoughts, “Is this all there is to my life? Will I always be this sick? Does anyone care about me? Am I going to die from this illness? Will I be alone forever? Does my work have a purpose? Why am I on this earth? I am left out of everything. My life is so small.”
If you have ever been suicidal- you probably have! – this is the common language of bipolar suicidal thoughts. They never change- but my god they feel so real it’s hard to fight them. But as John said- you just have to keep a fighting attitude. So that is what I do. I’ve had these suicidal episodes since age 19- I’m 45 now. I don’t get used to them because they SUCK, but I do keep fighting the desire to give in to them.
Last night was hard. The voices, thoughts and images spit out by a bipolar brain are like the world’s most compelling movie. But that’s all they are- FICTION.
I’ve managed to get my voice of reality in there- This is an illness Julie. You had trouble with the Zoloft Julie. You’ve been through this a million times before and it always ends. You are going to be fine. Keep going with your life so that all will be in place when you get better. Don’t do anything stupid when you feel like this. Remind yourself all day that this is NOT the real you. You never think these things when you’re well. And just keep on creating a life you can love so that it’s there to help you through these suicidal episodes.
So, that is what I’m doing today. The stuff is there in the background of my head- I feel it lurking, but I won’t ever give into it. It’s an illness. I bet I will be fine in the next few days. I just have to be easy on myself so that I can get better.
Hey, I’m working today- seeing friends- doing my email- getting on with life. It’s proof you can feel like dying and not listen to it- because it’s not real.
Julie
Bipolar Disorder and Holiday Cheer
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008Get ready for the holidays- today!
I’m planning my winter holidays right now. I tend to get very depressed when I don’t plan ahead. There is so much cheer around me! Holiday cheer! If only regular people knew what it’s like for us. Especially those of us who have some odd family dynamics!
What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Where will you go for the holidays in December? Do you have plans for New Year’s? No matter where you live, December and January are usually on a different schedule. Bipolar disorder doesn’t like schedule changes!
Suicides peak during the holidays. If we plan now- In September- we can make things really different this year and have some holiday cheer ourselves!
Julie
Depression and Suicide
Wednesday, June 18th, 2008I just received this comment on the blog I wrote on bipolar depression:
“ I want to die. Can you help me please. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I don’t want to live anymore.”
It’s hard to get these emails- not because they shock me- they don’t, but because I wish I could sit across from the person and tell them why they feel the way they do and that they can get through this.
Since I can’t actually look at the person, I will write them here.
Hi. I’ve been suicidal so many times I can no longer count the episodes. Suicidal thoughts are a completely normal part of bipolar disorder. We get depressed, manic, anxious and paranoid, just to name a few- and we also get suicidal.
Wanting to die is actually something different than it seems- it’s actually wanting to end the pain that comes with bipolar disorder depression. I can remember being so suicidal that I was rolling on the floor in order not to do something I didn’t really want to do. I’m not kidding about this. The compulsion that comes with suicidal thoughts is what makes it so dangerous. When I had thoughts of running my car off a bridge, I said out loud, “I don’t want to kill myself! This is not real! This is bipolar lying to me!” and I kept driving until I was off the bridge.
Bipolar disorder is a VERY dangerous illness. It makes you think and do things you don’t really think and don’t really want to do. That’s why it’s so important to separate yourself from the suicidal thoughts.
I see my suicidal thoughts as separate. They are not me- they are bipolar disorder. I hope you can do that- if you really examine what you’re thinking, you can see that there is a lot of crap going around in your head that doesn’t represent you. It’s not the real you. It’s the illness talking.
Once you can see the you in there and feel the you in there- you can say to yourself, this is bipolar talking and I’m going to get help immediately.
I assure you- you don’t want to kill yourself. You want to get better. I hate suicidal thoughts because they aren’t fair and they are SO tricky.
I’m 44- and I’ve been suicidal off and on since I was 19. I have survived and you can too.
Here is how to get help- first of all, say out loud- “I’m suicidal because I have bipolar disorder. These thoughts are not real. They are a sign that I’m very sick.”
Next- call your doctor immediately. Say, “This is an emergency. I have bipolar disorder and I’m thinking of killing myself.” This is an honest way to ask for help. If you fell down and broke a leg- you would scream for help. You have to do the same thing now.
If you don’t have access to your doctor- call a suicide hotline- if you go to www.moodgarden.com you will see suicide numbers on the left side of the page. There is also a link there for more help on what you’re going through.
If you’re worried for your immediate physical health, call 911. They know what to do. Be honest, “I have bipolar disorder- I’m suicidal and I need help.” Or, “I’m bipolar and I just took a bottle of pills and I need help ”
You may notice that I’m being very methodical when I talk with you. It’s because I would do the same thing if I saw you bleeding on the side of the road. I would help you and remind you that things are going to be ok. You just need professional help. I would never expect you to take care of yourself on your own.
Suicidal thoughts are completely normal when you have a mental illness. They are not the real you. The real you wants help. There is a lot of help out there. I encourage you to take care of the you that wants to live and not listen to the illness that is lying to you. I’m alive and well because I do this every time I get suicidal.
Julie
Bipolar Disorder and Suicidal Thoughts
Friday, April 11th, 2008Sucidal thoughts are normal when you have bipolar disorder. I was really stressed the day before my new radio show last week. I was on a busy road and saw a red light up ahead. My mind said, “Julie, you can just run that red light and a car will hit you and all will be taken care of!” These thoughts used to scare me a lot. I now know they’re a response to stress. My friend Lani, who was the guest on the show that day said, “Well, your brain thought is was helping!”
So true. These thoughts are not real. They are manufactured by a bipolar brain. Don’t listen.
Julie
Prevent the Holiday Blues Newsletter
Wednesday, December 12th, 2007Prevent the Holiday Blues
The holidays are a great time to visit with family and friends, exchange presents, look at beautiful lights and eat delicious food. Unfortunately, they can also be a very stressful and depressing time for people with a mental illness and their family members. As a person with bipolar disorder, I often have trouble with the holidays. This is why I plan my day’s way in advance to make sure I minimize stress and increase my enjoyment.
Do you have a plan for the holidays yet? No matter what you celebrate- now is a good time to really think where you want to be and what you want to do during the last few weeks of the year.
The following ideas can help:
Holidays have the reputation for being jolly, family oriented, exciting times. People are often on vacation and families who haven’t seen each other in a while get together. Because of this, there is naturally a built in expectation that a person has to be happy this time of the year. This is not always the case with bipolar disorder is it? If a person doesn’t have close family or a place to go- the holidays can intensify this and make a person very sad. Television and movies don’t help. When I watch the holiday commercials with all of the parties and gorgeous looking people I start to think- they are having so much more fun that I am! This isn’t necessarily true, but it feels real. This is one reason I don’t watch much television!
In terms of loneliness, there is a group called meetin.org that has holiday events. There are many people who want to be with others during the holidays- it just takes some planning to find them and create a good experience.
Feeling Overwhelmed
For others, the frantic pace of the holidays can cause stress and an overwhelmed feeling that can lead to hopelessness and sadness. You may ask yourself- I have such a great family, why can’t I just have fun like everyone else? Or I have so much to be thankful for, why am I unhappy when it’s such a great time of the year? You can experience a lot of guilt because of these feelings and family members may not understand at all. This is when I suggest that you plan to do a lot less way ahead of time – you can then warn family and friends that in order to stay sane and happy, you are letting everyone else decorate, plan and cook.
You still have a few weeks to decide what is realistic for you. Remember, as I always talk about in my work, you have to treat bipolar disorder first. Even before the holidays .A friend of mine decided last week that she’s not decorating the outside of her house for the first time in 10 years. She felt guilty as she has an 11 year old son, but there is no doubt that he would prefer a stress free mom who has time to actually enjoy the holidays instead of one who is so stressed that nothing is really fun.
Suicide
The holiday season is the number one time for suicide for people with bipolar disorder and depression. If you have suicidal thoughts or have a history of suicide attempts, now is the time to make sure you are well protected and loved during the holidays. In fact, this is essential. I always remind people that suicidal thoughts are normal when you have a mental illness. The holidays are so stressful for some, that the thoughts just start raging. If this sounds true for you, what do you need to do right now to make sure you stay safe? Call your doctor? Talk with a friend? Talk to family members? Create a plan for yourself you can use if or when the thoughts begin? There are options. You have to start planning now.
A Set Schedule
I know that I have to be so careful and make sure I know exactly what I will do on Christmas Eve, Christmas day and New Year’s as I will not stay well if I’m alone. Luckily I have family and friends who understand- at least they try to. They know I don’t do presents- except for my little nephew. I stopped giving and getting presents over eight years ago and don’t regret it! I never cook either! I keep away from busy stores and work on my mental health daily. It’s not fair, but I’ve learned that the depression can be really bad if I don’t do these things. I like it when my mom and friends decorate and I try to spend as much time with them as possible. I do love to be in festive settings- I just can’t create them myself. If you decide to do something similar this year, expect it to be hard on others at first, but they will definitely happy if you’re happier!
The New Year
And finally- the rituals around New Year’s Eve can magnify what didn’t happen the year before- such as still being single or not having the stability you need to work. (Sound familiar?) So many people have goals for a year and yet they don’t get it done. Facing this all on one day can be pretty tough. This can be prevented by saying to yourself – I did my best this year. 2008 is a new year. The past is the past and I learn from it! I am proud for what I have accomplished.
You can do this as soon as you finish this newsletter. No matter what did or didn’t happen this year, you can have a great holiday season. You have a few weeks to get ready- I hope you have a lot of fun.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Julie A. Fast best selling author of Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder is a critically acclaimed six-time author, award winning bipolar disorder advice columnist, national speaker, and sought after expert in the fields of bipolar disorder and depression. Julie’s work specializes in helping people manage all aspects of their daily lives -despite the complications that bipolar disorder creates. To learn how to personalize a plan to help yourself or a loved one find and create stability that ensures the quality of life that we all deserve, visit: http://www.bipolarhappens.com
