Straight Talk on Managing Bipolar Disorder » Suicide

Reader comment on suicidal thoughts….

Julie Fast — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 18:32:31 +0000

I write a lot about suicide on this blog. I just received this comment from one of the posts. I replied to the comment below:

Hi Julie,

And, now I’m scared. This down keeps on keeping on and more and more I cannot see the point of my living. Diagnosed 12 years ago and many meds later I’m not confined to my bed but I’m just awake more to alienate myself from everyone and experience longer and more excruciating bouts of pain. I understand that fighting attitude and I keep trying to rise above it and then I get weary and then I can’t fight my way out of a paper bag. I’ve lost all credibility with family, friends and co-workers. I don’t want to be around someone like me. I have not stopped crying for weeks. I cry while I’m walking, I cry at thru water aerobics Now, I’m just holding on until I can experience , at best, a grey day.

Hi Kat,

I went through a month long suicidal episode this summer- it was a reaction to a medication. I remember driving down the street crying and crying- but I KNEW that it was bipolar disorder. I have been suicidal off and on for all of my adult life. It’s the same thing as being manic- it’s part of the illness. If you can remember this- it helps a lot. Here are some tips for dealing with the suicidal thoughts while you get help.

1. Suicidal thoughts follow a pattern- everyone who is suicidal thinks in [... Read More ...] Related posts:

It’s ok. It’s going to be ok. You are ok.

Julie Fast — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:52:25 +0000

I have said this to myself many times in the past 15 years since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Just a few weeks ago I dealt with a lot of suicidal thoughts- even when I was crying and scared, I said, “Julie, it’s bipolar disorder. It’s going to be ok.”When I wake up depressed and think, “Oh no, not another day of depression!” I say to myself, “Get up Julie. Make it a day that isn’t ruled by depression. Then it will be ok.”Oh man. I get tired of this illness, but it’s treatable. I woke up slightly depressed this morning. I then made myself focus on what was going well in my life and the depression didn’t feel so overwhleming. Once I got up and got going, the day looked more positive. It’s getting up that makes the difference.If you’re sick today- it’s going to be ok. If you were super sick and just got out of the hospital it’s going to be ok. And if you just went through a summer mania where you did some really stupid things- you can get through that as well. I got through a three month long hypomania on a Navy Base in Yokosuka, Japan in 1987. There was a lot of partying going on and then a lot of depression when I got back to the states. I wasn’t diganosed until 1995. Oh how I wish I had been diagnosed then! I had my first mania episode at 17 and my first suicidal depression [... Read More ...] Related posts:

Living with bipolar suicidal thoughts…

Julie Fast — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 18:10:06 +0000

Hi, It’s hard for me to write blogs when I’m so suicidal. I wrote a few days ago about a bad experience with Zoloft that put me into a severe downswing.

I just had a conversation with my coauthor Dr. John Preston and he said, “Julie, you always keep the fighting attitude alive. You keep moving even when it’s hard to keep moving.”

And then we asked the question- What’s the alternative!

I don’t want to kill myself, but my brain doesn’t get the message sometimes. I was crying in bed last night with the thoughts, “Is this all there is to my life? Will I always be this sick? Does anyone care about me? Am I going to die from this illness? Will I be alone forever? Does my work have a purpose? Why am I on this earth? I am left out of everything. My life is so small.”

If you have ever been suicidal- you probably have! – this is the common language of bipolar suicidal thoughts. They never change- but my god they feel so real it’s hard to fight them. But as John said- you just have to keep a fighting attitude. So that is what I do. I’ve had these suicidal episodes since age 19- I’m 45 now. I don’t get used to them because they SUCK, but I do keep fighting the desire to give in to them.

Last night was hard. The voices, thoughts and images spit out by a bipolar brain are like the world’s most compelling movie. But that’s [... Read More ...] Related posts:

Bipolar Disorder and Holiday Cheer

Julie Fast — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 15:45:48 +0000

Get ready for the holidays- today!

I’m planning my winter holidays right now. I tend to get very depressed when I don’t plan ahead. There is so much cheer around me! Holiday cheer! If only regular people knew what it’s like for us. Especially those of us who have some odd family dynamics!

What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Where will you go for the holidays in December? Do you have plans for New Year’s? No matter where you live, December and January are usually on a different schedule. Bipolar disorder doesn’t like schedule changes!

Suicides peak during the holidays. If we plan now- In September- we can make things really different this year and have some holiday cheer ourselves!

Julie

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Depression and Suicide

Julie Fast — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 17:04:56 +0000

I just received this comment on the blog I wrote on bipolar depression:

“ I want to die. Can you help me please. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I don’t want to live anymore.”

It’s hard to get these emails- not because they shock me- they don’t, but because I wish I could sit across from the person and tell them why they feel the way they do and that they can get through this.

Since I can’t actually look at the person, I will write them here.

Hi. I’ve been suicidal so many times I can no longer count the episodes. Suicidal thoughts are a completely normal part of bipolar disorder. We get depressed, manic, anxious and paranoid, just to name a few- and we also get suicidal.

Wanting to die is actually something different than it seems- it’s actually wanting to end the pain that comes with bipolar disorder depression. I can remember being so suicidal that I was rolling on the floor in order not to do something I didn’t really want to do. I’m not kidding about this. The compulsion that comes with suicidal thoughts is what makes it so dangerous. When I had thoughts of running my car off a bridge, I said out loud, “I don’t want to kill myself! This is not real! This is bipolar lying to me!” and I kept driving until I was off the bridge.

Bipolar disorder is a VERY dangerous illness. It makes you think and do things you don’t really think and don’t really want [... Read More ...] Related posts:

Bipolar Disorder and Suicidal Thoughts

Julie Fast — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:55:45 +0000

Sucidal thoughts are normal when you have bipolar disorder. I was really stressed the day before my new radio show last week. I was on a busy road and saw a red light up ahead. My mind said, “Julie, you can just run that red light and a car will hit you and all will be taken care of!” These thoughts used to scare me a lot. I now know they’re a response to stress. My friend Lani, who was the guest on the show that day said, “Well, your brain thought is was helping!”

So true. These thoughts are not real. They are manufactured by a bipolar brain. Don’t listen.

Julie

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