I often receive questions about anxiety and bipolar disorder. It’s estimated that 90% of people with depression experience some form of depression. This means that most of us with bipolar disorder will experience anxiety at some point. Anxiety can limit so much that we want to do. Luckily there are many things you can do to manage and ultimately prevent anxiety from taking over your ability to enjoy yourself. The following is an example of the questions I regularly receive from readers:
Q. I have a great boyfriend, who is used to visiting his friends on a regular basis. Our relationship is still quite new (9 months) and I’m used to isolating. It’s the only issue we have in our relationship. My hesitancy to go out and meet new people. Are there any tools you can think of to make going out and meeting his friends less frightening for me so we can have more balance in our relationship.
Regards
E.
A. Hello E,
First of all, if you’re writing this question it means you know you have the problem and want to do something about it. That is really a good sign. It also may help to know that social anxiety is actually a normal part of bipolar disorder for many people. Before you had a relationship, it was easier to just stay home and not deal with it. Now you are being forced to look at the problem or you know you will have more trouble in your relationship. The first solution is to remind yourself that what you’re going through is normal and part of an illness. It’s also probably a part of your personality. Being an introvert is fine in some ways, but when it comes to other more outgoing people, you have to be willing to do things their way once in a while as well. The second step is to write down all of your thoughts and feelings regarding going out and meeting people. You can make a new Health Card called ‘going out’ for example. I use my anxiety card for this.
Once you have done that. Look at your thoughts. They are probably the same every time you go out- and yet you go out to so many different places. This tells you the fear of going out has a pattern- not because of a specific location. Once you deal with your own thoughts and feelings, you can remember that the thoughts are bipolar disorder thoughts and not the real you.
Next, tell yourself that the next time your boyfriend asks you to go out with him, you will definitely say yes. Tell your mind that there is no arguing: you’re going. This is a deal with yourself that you have to keep. This stops the tug of war conversation that often goes on in the brain when you want to go one way and bipolar disorder wants you to go the other way. Then make a goal and stick to it such as talking to one new person.
Then you can get to the real technique of going out. Imagine all that will happen- all of the feelings on your list – all that you will face and decide just to deal this by recognizing the anxiety and going out anyway. Remind yourself, ‘These are normal anxiety feelings. I know what they are and I can deal with them.’ Breathing is a huge help here. You can then have space to do the one thing that you have promised yourself to do at the event. If you think of the situation before you go, it often helps you see that it’s your reaction to what is going on that causes anxiety. This doesn’t mean you won’t be anxious, it just means you go to the event and deal with the anxiety there instead of at home alone. If things get too stressful, then walk outside and take a break. This helps a lot with being over stimulated.
Finally, you have to tell your boyfriend exactly how to help you by using the third column in the Health Cards. You can teach him how to respond when he hears you say certain things and what to do if you are feeling stressed. It probably won’t help if he says, ‘Com on! Just go out with me. It’s not that big of a deal.’ Instead, teach him to say what you need, such as ‘I know this is hard for you. We don’t have to stay long. I’m here if you need a break and want to talk. I respect that it will take time for you to be more comfortable.’ You say the relationship good, so I’m sure he would be more than willing to do this.
It takes small steps to get over social anxiety. I have done it and you can too.
Julie
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