I walked into a trigger this weekend. This is like walking into a brick wall you refuse to see even when it’s staring you in the face. It’s a hallmark of bipolar disorder. My real brain says, “Sure Julie! Of course you can do that! “ and then once you do it, the bipolar brain says, “Oh no Julie. Look what you’ve done! You caused the monster to come out once again!”
I know better. I write the books right? I know not to be so hard on myself. This is a tricky illness. I can get mildly manic and not realize it and then make a decision that seems just fine at the time. Then the effects of the decision hit my brain and I go down, sometimes way down. It’s completely unfair.
The good news is that I have a plan I put into place immediately. This shortens the inevitable depression and lets me get back to my life in a day or less instead of the weeks I used to experience in the past.
I try to remind myself that it’s depression when the really sad, lonely and negative thoughts start- but it can be hard to maintain perspective.
I call my depression team: my mother and friends. I may talk to three or four – one after the other. They all know what to say:
“Julie, remember the Health Cards. You’re talking like this because you’re depressed. You know what you’re saying and feeling isn’t real. Let’s work on getting you better.”
They remind me not to listen to the voices that tell me my life is worthless. Instead, they remind me to focus on stopping the depression. I have a terrible illness- but I do have a wonderful life.
It always works.
Julie
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