Hi, It’s hard for me to write blogs when I’m so suicidal. I wrote a few days ago about a bad experience with Zoloft that put me into a severe downswing.
I just had a conversation with my coauthor Dr. John Preston and he said, “Julie, you always keep the fighting attitude alive. You keep moving even when it’s hard to keep moving.”
And then we asked the question- What’s the alternative!
I don’t want to kill myself, but my brain doesn’t get the message sometimes. I was crying in bed last night with the thoughts, “Is this all there is to my life? Will I always be this sick? Does anyone care about me? Am I going to die from this illness? Will I be alone forever? Does my work have a purpose? Why am I on this earth? I am left out of everything. My life is so small.”
If you have ever been suicidal- you probably have! – this is the common language of bipolar suicidal thoughts. They never change- but my god they feel so real it’s hard to fight them. But as John said- you just have to keep a fighting attitude. So that is what I do. I’ve had these suicidal episodes since age 19- I’m 45 now. I don’t get used to them because they SUCK, but I do keep fighting the desire to give in to them.
Last night was hard. The voices, thoughts and images spit out by a bipolar brain are like the world’s most compelling movie. But that’s all they are- FICTION.
I’ve managed to get my voice of reality in there- This is an illness Julie. You had trouble with the Zoloft Julie. You’ve been through this a million times before and it always ends. You are going to be fine. Keep going with your life so that all will be in place when you get better. Don’t do anything stupid when you feel like this. Remind yourself all day that this is NOT the real you. You never think these things when you’re well. And just keep on creating a life you can love so that it’s there to help you through these suicidal episodes.
So, that is what I’m doing today. The stuff is there in the background of my head- I feel it lurking, but I won’t ever give into it. It’s an illness. I bet I will be fine in the next few days. I just have to be easy on myself so that I can get better.
Hey, I’m working today- seeing friends- doing my email- getting on with life. It’s proof you can feel like dying and not listen to it- because it’s not real.