Living with bipolar suicidal thoughts…
June 25, 2009 6:10 pm SuicideHi, It’s hard for me to write blogs when I’m so suicidal. I wrote a few days ago about a bad experience with Zoloft that put me into a severe downswing.
I just had a conversation with my coauthor Dr. John Preston and he said, “Julie, you always keep the fighting attitude alive. You keep moving even when it’s hard to keep moving.”
And then we asked the question- What’s the alternative!
I don’t want to kill myself, but my brain doesn’t get the message sometimes. I was crying in bed last night with the thoughts, “Is this all there is to my life? Will I always be this sick? Does anyone care about me? Am I going to die from this illness? Will I be alone forever? Does my work have a purpose? Why am I on this earth? I am left out of everything. My life is so small.”
If you have ever been suicidal- you probably have! – this is the common language of bipolar suicidal thoughts. They never change- but my god they feel so real it’s hard to fight them. But as John said- you just have to keep a fighting attitude. So that is what I do. I’ve had these suicidal episodes since age 19- I’m 45 now. I don’t get used to them because they SUCK, but I do keep fighting the desire to give in to them.
Last night was hard. The voices, thoughts and images spit out by a bipolar brain are like the world’s most compelling movie. But that’s all they are- FICTION.
I’ve managed to get my voice of reality in there- This is an illness Julie. You had trouble with the Zoloft Julie. You’ve been through this a million times before and it always ends. You are going to be fine. Keep going with your life so that all will be in place when you get better. Don’t do anything stupid when you feel like this. Remind yourself all day that this is NOT the real you. You never think these things when you’re well. And just keep on creating a life you can love so that it’s there to help you through these suicidal episodes.
So, that is what I’m doing today. The stuff is there in the background of my head- I feel it lurking, but I won’t ever give into it. It’s an illness. I bet I will be fine in the next few days. I just have to be easy on myself so that I can get better.
Hey, I’m working today- seeing friends- doing my email- getting on with life. It’s proof you can feel like dying and not listen to it- because it’s not real.
Julie
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June 25th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
i understand your mind whirling. my own would not stop a second, going over everything negative like a movie, imagining every worse thing, and worse than that round and round and round till you can choke it out of yourself. i took a seroquel and tried to go to bed. it helped some. at lease i got some sleep. helen
June 25th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I’ve been with you in the dumps more times than I care to remember. I’ve been on all the antidepressants and now I’m on Pristiq. It is fairly new and works like a charm. It pulled me up in four days and there are no side effects. It is so hard to keep fighting when the depression hits. I’ve been feeling pretty good now for over a year. Would love if you checked my site: bipolaroni Take care.
Hi Rita,
That is GREAT news about the Pristiq. We have to just keep trying new stuff. Julie
June 26th, 2009 at 12:39 am
I’m with you. I think we’ve all been there once or five million times. Don’t give up and don’t give in. As my husband and I always say :This too shall pass”.
I’ve given up before. The hospital stay is not worth it.
June 26th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I have had suicidal thoughts alot, but by the grace of god i made it thru and i have been close to carrying out those thoughts but i am glad i am still here. BP is such a horrible mental illness it skews reality and i hate it.
June 26th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Hey Julie!
I’m so glad your pushing through this awful time. You and your work mean a great deal to me. I wait each day to see if you’ve posted something to the blog – it feels like a lifeline sometimes. I have been having a difficult patch with my marriage and there have been times that those “dark thoughts” as I call them have swirled through my mind. I am combatting them with better self-care. For me that has been an exercise regimen more extreme than any I’ve ever done. I have been working out in various ways 6 days a week for 45-60 minutes a day. I have been going with other people so I have some accountability and support. I’ve found that not only do I feel more capable and in control but that my sexual thoughts which plague me constantlly have been decreased in intensity as well as frequency. Thanks so much for being the you that you are. Ever since I first heard you speak I have felt as though I’m not alone in this battle with Bipolar Disorder.
Hi Melissa,
thanks for your kind words. It was awful- and knowing that others are helped by my experiences makes it a bit easier! I am SO glad that the sexual thoughts are lessening. That can be a real burden- and scary too- Many people say exericise helps them stay stable. I also agree that the people we have around us determines our stability! Julie