I have been SO prepared for the holidays this year- everything is planned- everything is thought out. I learned from the past seven years since ending a long term relationship that I need to be with people I love, but I also need variety and plenty of fun time. And yet.. it – by it I mean bipolar- still got me this morning.
I went to see my mom and the converstation went like this:
Hi Mom, what are you making for breakfast at Ed’s? (Ed is my brother)
Mom: Scones
Julie: Great! I see her pour a bag of something into some flour and think it’s chocolate chips. Then I say, “Oh no! Are those raisins? You know we don’t like raison scones!
Mom: They are not raisons. They are cranberries.
Julie: Cranberries? I hate cranberries in scones! You know that mom! I hate them and never eat them! Didn’t you know that! I really hate them with orange flavoring. You know how they change taste. Why are you making them with cranberries?
Mom: (silence- she goes to the counter and pours out the buttermilk into the sink. She then pushes the bowl away and puts the pan back in the cabinet)
Julie: Mom! Don’t stop making them! I don’t want you to stop. You are being so passive aggressive about this! Please make the scones. I didn’t mean you shouldn’t make them. ( I then start to cry because it’s Christmas and it’s always too much for me on Christmas morning. I didn’t want her to see I was crying – I don’t want to worry her.)
Mom: Julie, the buttermilk was bad. I didn’t stop making them becuase of you.
I staying in the living room and put my head in my hands and cried and then just stopped. I never get mad like that. I control it because I love my mom and I have no desire to get on her case about anything. It’s not good for our relationship. I knew I woke up slightly depressed and just had to deal with it on my own. It’s hard to say sorry when you’re bipolar sick. It gets stuck in your throat. But I don’t want bipolar to control my life. I went back into the kitchen.
Julie: Mom, I am sorry I was so weird about the cranberries. I want you to make what you want to make. I was being selfish.
Mom: (she knows when I get sick) Don’t worry about it. It was the buttermild. It expired six weeks ago! It usually lasts forever. I’m making fruit salad.
I always cry more when I realize I have hurt someone because of a mood swing- but I know that saying sorry and not repeating the behavior is the ONLY way to live with this illness. We went to my brothers and I was still depressed, but I worked thorugh it and now I am fine.
It’s hard work to stay stable and the holidays make it tough!
If you have been cranky, stressed, weepy, demanding or nasty due to holiday stress- just say sorry – it helps.
If you feel overwhelmed, lonely, sad and hopeless- there are people who love you- they may not be as close as you would like. I am sending out a lot of holiday love. I rarely write this way as you know, but we all need love. Please do write a message here if you wouldl like to spread some holiday cheer for those who may be sad today!
If you are reading this because you feel stressed- how about- take a break and watch some basketball or football, take a walk or go to a movie!
Thanks to my mom for being a great baker!
Julie
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Thanks for sharing your story. It’s amazing how easy it is to misinterpret things when feeling weird. Sometimes it seems that the mood creeps up or surprises me.. Sometimes it is only when I begin to have a conversation with someone else that I realize that I’m really not feeling right.
You’re right, the only thing that can be done is to say sorry and try to not repeat the episode. And also try not to focus on the bad moments too much. But it can be a hard thing to do.
Holidays are tough. As my Mom said the other day, “I think about things during the holidays that I never think about during the rest of the year.”
Merry Christmas to you, and to everyone reading this
HB
http://bipolar-hotbrain.blogspot.com/
Thanks for your comment. I think that your mom put into one sentence what I tried to describe in a paragraph!
“I think about things during the holidays that I never think about during the rest of the year.”
It’so true. And it gets tougher when we go through the new year! But we can do it and focus on what has gone well in 2009. Hello to your mother! julie
Thank God my Christmas was great. I felt the tidings of comfort and joy. My question is this, Julie. I realize that there is no cure for bipolar disorder but can you help me to understand how and to what degree the medications that you are on help you? I am very afraid to start taking them even though I feel I have no choice. However, I don’t really understand how much they are going to help if at all. I am afraid of the side effects. I am also curious to know if you have ever tried natural supplements to help and if they were succesful or not. You hear so many amazing stories about those type of things but you wonder if they are real, or only real for some. Thank you so much for your time.
Merry Christmas
the worst christmas i ever had….i know i need to get help yet i’ve tried every med there is and i’m sick of it all. the irritablility and anger and depression and anxiety is just too much. the meds make me nonfunctional or sick or etc. i’m over 50 and it doesn’t feel like there is any hope. no support groups where i live and no support, period. people think i need to just ‘buck up’. thinking about the health cards, but is this just another gimmick to get money…no offense intended. I wouldn’t give you a dime for all the psychiatrists in America. vowed i would never see another one. hand out meds and leave you do the best you can. have a great GP, but we’ve run out of options med wise. I, too, use a med for sleep but my anxiety level is still really high and i’m really depressed. wish i could afford to talk to you. seems like you are real. who knows, though, huh? my poor husband has been through it with all of this BP stuff. I feel so sorry for him but I have no support from any direction. I’m the one with the issue. I can’t try to keep my head above water AND try to explain it all to him! I need some support and understanding……… first time I ever did this, so i hope i get a response.
Hmm. Holidays. My boyfriend just tried to end our relationship over the holidays.
It’s my own (unstated) idea that he may have some kind of bi-polar disorder.
What’s the best way to bring up my suspicion without totally losing him?
Thanks ss