Straight Talk on Managing Bipolar Disorder

I have been SO prepared for the holidays this year- everything is planned- everything is thought out. I learned from the past seven years since ending a long term relationship that I need to be with people I love, but I also need variety and plenty of fun time.   And yet.. it – by it I mean bipolar- still got me this morning.

I went to see my mom and the converstation went like this:

Hi Mom, what are you making for breakfast at Ed’s?  (Ed is my brother)

Mom: Scones

Julie: Great! I see her pour a bag of something into some flour and think it’s chocolate chips. Then I say, “Oh no! Are those raisins? You know we don’t like raison scones!

Mom: They are not raisons. They are cranberries.

Julie: Cranberries? I hate cranberries in scones! You know that mom! I hate them and never eat them! Didn’t you know that! I really hate them with orange flavoring. You know how they change taste. Why are you making them with cranberries?

Mom:  (silence- she goes to the counter and pours out the buttermilk into the sink. She then pushes the bowl away and puts the pan back in the cabinet)

Julie: Mom! Don’t stop making them! I don’t want you to stop. You are being so passive aggressive about this! Please make the scones. I didn’t mean you shouldn’t make them. ( I then start to cry because it’s Christmas and it’s always too much for me on Christmas morning. I didn’t want her to see I was crying – I don’t want to worry her.)

Mom: Julie, the buttermilk was bad. I didn’t stop making them becuase of you.

I staying in the living room and put my head in my hands and cried and then just stopped. I never get mad like that. I control it because I love my mom and I have no desire to get on her case about anything. It’s not good for our relationship. I knew I woke up slightly depressed and just had to deal with it on my own. It’s hard to say sorry when you’re bipolar sick. It gets stuck in your throat. But I don’t want bipolar to control my life. I went back into the kitchen.

Julie: Mom, I am sorry I was so weird about the cranberries. I want you to make what you want to make. I was being selfish.

Mom: (she knows when I get sick) Don’t worry about it. It was the buttermild. It expired six weeks ago! It usually lasts forever. I’m making fruit salad.

I always cry more when I realize I have hurt someone because of a mood swing- but I know that saying sorry and not repeating the behavior is the ONLY way to live with this illness. We went to my brothers and I was still depressed, but I worked thorugh it and now I am fine.

It’s hard work to stay stable and the holidays make it tough!

If you have been cranky, stressed, weepy, demanding or nasty due to holiday stress- just say sorry – it helps.

If you feel overwhelmed, lonely, sad and hopeless- there are people who love you- they may not be as close as you would like. I am sending out a lot of holiday love. I rarely write this way as you know, but we all need love.  Please do write a message here if you wouldl like to spread some holiday cheer for those who may be sad today!

If you are reading this because you feel stressed- how about- take a break and watch some basketball or football, take a walk or go to a movie!

Thanks to my mom for being a great baker!

Julie