A friend and I had a long talk about bipolar last night. He said that he would not get rid of his bipolar disorder if he had the chance. I was shocked by this as the illness has really caused him serious trouble. I know that I would do ANYTHING to get this illness out of my life. Tonight, I started to think more of our conversation. Here is a letter I wrote him:
Hi,
I was just going to write in my journal but decided to write you instead. I’ve kept a journal since 1990! Can you believe that! When Ivan (my ex who has bipolar one) was in the hospital I wrote down everything that happened. I recently went back to read them- as I was thinking of doing a memoir- and my memory was actually different that what happened. It was weird.
Since I’ve gotten better- it started exactly this time last year, I’ve had some weird things happen. Tonight for example – my brain is quiet. I’ve wished for this my entire life- what I didn’t expect was how unmotivated it would be. When I’m depressed, my brain is so active that it pushes me to do things. I write better when I’m slightly depressed believe it or not- at least in terms of my bipolar work. It’s so odd. I used to think- if I were well enough, I could rule the world! Now I’ve found why people just live without getting a lot done- or maybe they don’t even want to get things done- their brains don’t drive them!
When you said you wouldn’t trade the bipolar – maybe you meant this. The creativity that comes with depression is something odd- it’s only when it’s mild and uncomfortable depression, when it goes past that, I’m just trying to survive. Serious depression kills my nature- the real me is trapped in a body of pain. It sounds melodramatic, but it’s true.
Mania is so creative that it often spins out of control. I do have some wonderful times at the beginning though. So, if I were well for the rest of my life, I would love it. But I can see that I would have to come up with ways to make my brain push me to greater things. I’m so driven to get well that I write about the process- as a record and a way to help others get well. My management ideas are working. I just don’t want to ever lose my drive.
Julie
I’m intersted to know what you think….
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Just curious, Julie….I could be wrong as I’m just getting acquainted with you after hearing you speak recently, but in what I’ve read so far in your website/newsletter/blog writing, there’s a conspicuous absence of any sense of spiritual help for your bipolar issues. Is that a purposeful thing? Does faith of some kind have a place in the life of a bipolar person?
I also had a lot of creativity with writing starting back when I was a teen-ager & first developed mood swings. These writings were mainly shared just in writing groups & classes (which I continued to do as an adult until I got on meds for bipolar). When I was feeling hypo manic the writing would be high energy & humorous & then introspective & more “dark” when I was down.
I was able to express myself well, according to other people, & found a release of some kind & feeling of satisfaction with the writing. I am now on numerous meds for bipolar 1, including Abilify, Lamictal & Topamax. I do think these medications have taken away that creativity & have caused some “foggy” thinking & memory problems.
I miss the writing & self-expression, but I have to consider the trade-off of getting relief (most of the time) from the deep depressions that led to suicide attempts.
My mania was not “out of control” & very enjoyable, though I did overspend, get overinvolved in groups & activities that would lead to feeling overwhelmed that then would lead to depression. I would accomplish a lot when hypo manic & relished the energy & the extra time to pursue things because of the not sleeping (usually 2-3 hours a night).
Right now I’m considered by my doc as “mixed–moderate” as I’m not sleeping much despite sedating meds & have loads of energy, can have an elevated mood, etc. but then flip into a low mood at the drop of a hat & cry inappropriately.
I have had a lot of stress in my life due to some marital discord (mostly caused by my extreme emotional “meltdowns” as I call them) & had an overdose 1 1/2 years ago. My meds are being adjusted & I’ve returned to individual therapy & will start a group therapy class of dialectical behavioral therapy this week (DBT) to hopefully, help me learn to cope with the intense emotions better.
I just finished taking the WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) class & hope the “tools” learned there will also benefit me.
I was keeping a journal, but threw everything out after my overdose for fear my (grown) children would read them if I did pass away & I wouldn’t want them to know the turmoil & pain I have been experiencing. I think writing in a journal helped, but that fear has stopped me.
Any suggestions? It seems pointless to write & then just throw what I have written away…
Your reader mentions journaling. The benefits of writing as related to depression and bipolar disorder are discussed in the book Writing Through the Darkness. It describes how writing has helped the author and a group of students she has led for ten years, as they all struggle with depression and bipolar disorder. It’s got writing prompts and explains how various forms of writing can be useful to you and your family.