I was able to express myself well, according to other people, & found a release of some kind & feeling of satisfaction with the writing. I am now on numerous meds for bipolar 1, including Abilify, Lamictal & Topamax. I do think these medications have taken away that creativity & have caused some “foggy” thinking & memory problems.

I miss the writing & self-expression, but I have to consider the trade-off of getting relief (most of the time) from the deep depressions that led to suicide attempts.

My mania was not “out of control” & very enjoyable, though I did overspend, get overinvolved in groups & activities that would lead to feeling overwhelmed that then would lead to depression. I would accomplish a lot when hypo manic & relished the energy & the extra time to pursue things because of the not sleeping (usually 2-3 hours a night).

Right now I’m considered by my doc as “mixed–moderate” as I’m not sleeping much despite sedating meds & have loads of energy, can have an elevated mood, etc. but then flip into a low mood at the drop of a hat & cry inappropriately.

I have had a lot of stress in my life due to some marital discord (mostly caused by my extreme emotional “meltdowns” as I call them) & had an overdose 1 1/2 years ago. My meds are being adjusted & I’ve returned to individual therapy & will start a group therapy class of dialectical behavioral therapy this week (DBT) to hopefully, help me learn to cope with the intense emotions better.

I just finished taking the WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) class & hope the “tools” learned there will also benefit me.

I was keeping a journal, but threw everything out after my overdose for fear my (grown) children would read them if I did pass away & I wouldn’t want them to know the turmoil & pain I have been experiencing. I think writing in a journal helped, but that fear has stopped me.

Any suggestions? It seems pointless to write & then just throw what I have written away…