I just received the following comment from Judi. Believe me, I understand her worries and frustrations, as I am sure many of you do as well.
Hi Julie,
I find it very hard to tell my son that I can’t take the mood swings that go with him. He has been unstable for years. Right now I am the only person he can talk to. If I turn my back on him now I’m sure he will commit suicide. There seems to be no way out for me. He needs to be hospitalized but that will NEVER happen. He told me that if I call 911 he will either kill himself or the person that shows up at his door. LOST
Judi
Hello Judi, ( I posted your comment on the blog as well- it’s such an important topic.)
It’s quite a coincidence I received your comment this morning. I recently wrote down a quote I heard from a football coach regarding a player he let go:
I don’t want to take on the headache that goes with you.
Then I thought of how I would put it:
I don’t want to take on the mood swing that goes with you.
** Here is the problem- when it’s a family member who is truly in crisis, the way you describe your son- we can’t say we are done and just move on. We know the consequences. It’s a very heavy, heavy burden. My books don’t address this situation directly- they are for management and tips on how to recognize the signs of bipolar disorder. Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder does address the topic in one chapter. The book will help right now to at least help you understand how to talk with him when he’s in a mood swing. This area is where I do most of my coaching. If you want to talk about your situation and your son- feel free to go to my coaching page- for now, this is the best way I can help and it’s immediate and so helpful to talk to someone.
http://www.juliefast.com/family-coaching
We can at least talk about a few ways you can help your situation in the moment. There are so many books I want to write- and one of them is for those who love someone who can’t or won’t get help. Often the person is financially and emotionally supporting the child and is simply worn out.
I do have ideas we can discuss that I know have worked for others. Readers- do you have advice for Judi?
Julie
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My sister called the clinic where I went for therapy and told them what I was not saying, and they put me in the hospital against my wishes; I was a danger to myself. She saved my life. I do not know what will help your son, but I sure hope you have a strong support system set up for yourself. It takes such strength to cope with this, and we do not have to carry it alone.
Right off, I will admit I have had NO experience with this, but I thought of a few ideas.
1. “I find it very hard to tell my son that I can’t take the mood swings that go with him.” Have you talked to him and told him this is how you feel? If not, that would be a good beginning. You could say that you wish he would be able to have a life of stability, which is SO much better than where he is right now? Maybe if you share how YOU feel with him, he will realize he is hurting you and then see about getting the help he needs.
2. “If I turn my back on him now I’m sure he will commit suicide.” Are you 100% positive he would do this? This is so unfair – as Julie says, this is his illness talking, but it is understandably frightening. If he has a psychiatrist, consider calling and asking for suggestions and assistance in getting your son hospitalized. It sounds as if your son sort of has you in limbo – don’t call 911 or I’ll commit suicide, but I’m going to keep on making your life miserable with my untreated mood swings. That is selfish and unfair – you need support.
3. At some point, it seems to me that you must decide what you are able to live with – continuing with mood swings or the possible suicide of your son. I realize that sounds incredibly drastic and I do apologize for that. But if your son chooses his current life with mood swings over getting the help he needs when you have repeatedly sought it for him, and when you have done everything possible to get him the treatment he needs, where does one draw the line? When is another person’s mental illness – or even another person’s lifestyle – NOT allowed to continue undermining the well-being of another? It doesn’t seem right to have you live as a sort of hostage by your son’s mental illness. (When my husband left me with three young children, I was so torn about the possibility of divorce, particularly since I’m Catholic. My parish priest said that when a relationship is no longer life-giving, it is healthier to end that relationship and move on. I realize that the situation with your son is more extreme than a divorce, but I wonder if the advice is still sound?)
This may have led to more questions than answers. But I hope it may offer another person’s perspective. Just know you are not alone – seek the help you need from the people in your community who understand bipolar disorder. You need the support right now. Be good to yourself.
Sincerely,
Sandra
Sandra, you say the son is selfish and unfair and as such that is true. But one thing you need to remember is that bipolar makes us very self-centered. Everything revolves around ourselves. Actually, we don’t even have the energy/knowledge to take proper care of ourselves, let alone worry about others.
The prospect of being hospitalized is also very frightening. As Lyn says, the only way for some people is to be forced. I don’t know about the USA social security system (I live in South Africa), but can’t you contact a social worker for advice and assistance about how to get him admitted against his will?
The threat of suicide is real, but so is the fact that his bipolar is currently destroying both of your lives. Besides, suicidal thoughts can come at any time and he may attempt suicide without you even driving him to it by calling 911.
All the best!
My husband made the same threats and I told him that I’d leave with the kids then because I’d had it. I’d try that first–tell him you’re going to cut him off because although you love him, it’s hurting you, too. Read Judy Eron’s book and make an apology for the way you see things, but be honest about your feelings. Set boundaries. If you sense that that isn’t working, you can always fill the police in on his threats and the liklihood of him really being able to implement them. Hospitalization is not the root of all evil and can be a catalyst for great good things and you can tell him that. See if you can call the hospital’s doctor first and speak to him or her to see if you can start establishing a connection and give him some clues on how to talk to the patient. If he tries to check himself out, there may be ways to keep him there–look at Treatment Advocacy Center’s website and research your state’s laws. This is tough love, but he isn’t really himself. It might look like this is who he is, but it isn’t. Would you choose death or hurting others over life if you were rational? As one of my husband’s former doctors said, he isn’t living any kind of life as it is, so you might as well try to do something to change that. But do not put yourself in harm’s way, of course.
As an emergency health care provider and as a life long depressed person here is my advise. Tell him how you feel and if he still gives the same answer. Let Him Calm down and Hide his weapons if he has any. Go outside or for a ride, if you have to, call 911 and tell them what is going on esp that he is suididal and threatening to harm responders. They will send someone to evaluate the situation and transport him to a medical facility. Medical and police responding are trained or should be on handling these pts. My second suggestion is to call the Coroners office and ask how he can help you to get yourson the help he needs. But I will tell you the coroners office is the slower route. I know this sounds drastic but he doesnt know what a good day feels like at this time. But with a little help and medication the good day will come. Dont wait! I wish I had been on medication years before I was because my relationships with my family would have been so much better.