I write a lot about suicide on this blog. I just received this comment from one of the posts. I replied to the comment below:
Hi Julie,
And, now I’m scared. This down keeps on keeping on and more and more I cannot see the point of my living. Diagnosed 12 years ago and many meds later I’m not confined to my bed but I’m just awake more to alienate myself from everyone and experience longer and more excruciating bouts of pain. I understand that fighting attitude and I keep trying to rise above it and then I get weary and then I can’t fight my way out of a paper bag. I’ve lost all credibility with family, friends and co-workers. I don’t want to be around someone like me. I have not stopped crying for weeks. I cry while I’m walking, I cry at thru water aerobics Now, I’m just holding on until I can experience , at best, a grey day.
Hi Kat,
I went through a month long suicidal episode this summer- it was a reaction to a medication. I remember driving down the street crying and crying- but I KNEW that it was bipolar disorder. I have been suicidal off and on for all of my adult life. It’s the same thing as being manic- it’s part of the illness. If you can remember this- it helps a lot. Here are some tips for dealing with the suicidal thoughts while you get help.
1. Suicidal thoughts follow a pattern- everyone who is suicidal thinks in the same way. The topic changes depending on your personal experiences- but the nature of the thoughts never changes. Everything is awful- everything is dark – there is no hope and nothing will ever get better. Notice that this is black and white thinking- it’s literally impossible that nothing will ever get better. As you say- even a gray day is better than the suicidal days.
2. Say this to yourself- this is an illness- this is not the real me- this is not my life. I am not my thoughts. Things can and will get better.
3.Check your meds- many medications can cause suicidal thoughts- check to see if your meds are too low- people with bipolar disorder have to be very careful if they take antidepressants as they can cause mania and or suicidal thoughts. My suicidal episode this summer was from Zoloft. I knew I shouldn’t try it! I know you have tried medications for years- but there is always hope.
4. I know this is a scary topic- but talk with your doctor about ECT. It can be a miraculous treatment for serious depression. I have friends who say it changed their lives. There is a lot of information on the web that is anti ECT- but it’s important to remember that the web often has more negative information than positive stories. All of the doctors I talk to and work closely with approve of ECT. I almost had it myself, but the Lamictal got me out of the severe depression.
5. It’s easy for others to say not to give up- but you’re hearing this from me- suicidal since 19- constant depression until I created my treatment plan and then almost constant depression. Like you said- why would anyone want to be around us when we are so sick and crying all of the time! Don’t give up- this literally has nothing to do with you- if you’re crying all of the time- that’s a huge sign that it’s bipolar.
If you do all of the above- I promise you that a gray day will happen and then you can find the energy to take new steps to end this suicidal episode.
Julie
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Hi Kat and Julie – Thank you so much for your thoughts/feelings on suicide. It helps me to know that I am not alone in this illness. It is so true how the symptoms/thought patterns are the same from person to person with this illness. Christmas is coming and it is always so hard for me. Thank you for your words of encouragement, Julie. Good luck to you, Kat, in getting some relief. I know that relief is possible although it is hard to see it now. Remember the good times – Take care – we’re not alone in this illness.
Hi Karen,
Thanks for your comment. Ah yes the holidays- these are the toughest times for people with bipolar depression. I have my plans set already as I don’t want a repeat of past holidays. I believe that knowing exactly where you are going to be and who is going to be there makes a big difference. This helps a lot with suicidal thoughts as well. Thanks again, Julie
Thank you sooooo much Julie and Karen! You both sure had a Purpose in my life in writing this!!! I am so sad. I am so depressed. I hurt. I was hospitalized on Oct. 28th for one week after my meds that had helped me wonderfully for 4 years just stopped working (last hospitalization 4 years ago). ALL was dark and I mean ALL. It was sheer horror-perfect for Halloween to be ironic I guess (haha). I started a new med and I am getting better-slowly. But surely. I do have my days and momements. Tomorrow I start my new mood stabilizer. We’ll see. I have hope. But I am sad (notice the repetition?? Yep. Depression) But I swear I will NOT give up. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just think happy thoughts and feel happy things? (there is A LOT of happiness in this world!!!!) Why? Because I have no life. Oh hello again depression, nice to meet you again. You’re such a bullshi**#%. Anyhow, I know I need the treatment cards badly, its about time. I have over 500 pages complete on a series of books on recovery-I write very well actually, when I am well. I just feel like I won’t feel better till I am published and successful. Funny how before the depression hit I was trusting and not rushing that process, hmmm. I also dealt with someone else’s suicide when–while-I was working as a counselor this summer. I know that had something to do with this. It had to. I shortly thereafter quit my job as residential counselor due to stress, discrimination, drama; the perfect storm. Hello depression. Anyhow bless you ladies, bless everyone this hoilday season. I’m gonna get through this one paddle at a time (the image of rowing comes to mind).
Nichol Widga
My husband suffers from bipolar disorder and also has a difficult time during the Holiday’s. This year I found a book to cheer him up… “Blessed with Bipolar: 36 God-Given Gifts of Manic-Depression” by Richard Jarzynka. The book really brings out a great point about bipolar disorder that I have found to be so true… “If you have bipolar, you have a gift to offer the world. The disorder and its extreme emotions have given you a unique perspective on life and the ability to deeply empathize with others in their most dire circumstances and pain. You can comfort others with the comfort you have known. You have a more intense experience of reality than 95 % of the world will ever have. You know the reality of human emotions in an amazing and unique way that can be used by God to literally change lives.”
Thank you for having positive information regarding ECT. I had 22 treatments in 2008 and it saved my life. There is so much negative about it on the internet and most people think it is like what has been shown in movies. I’ve even been criticised in support groups by others saying that it causes brain damage. There is some memory loss, but most of it comes back and it’s worth what you lose.
HI Mick,
I would have ECT if I needed it. I was close a few years ago and then found out my Lamictal wasn’t at the right dose. My friend Gayathri Ramprasad is a big mental health activist in the Indian community- she is from Bangalore, India. She became severely depressed when she moved to this country- she had always been depressed, but when it got so bad she tried to kill herself, she had ECT. It saved her life. She says she had memory loss- but it’s better than being so ill. Here is her webpage. http://www.myasha.org
Thanks for writing and I am SO glad you chose ECT and it helped you. Julie
If Your Bipolar Andd Your Thinkking
Of Suicide.
Whats The Best Thing To Do?
Hi Maria,
First, I always remind myself that my suicidal thoughts are about bipolar and not my life. I don’t want to kill myself- I just don’t want to be in so much pain. If you look to the right, there is a category list. The suicide category has many ideas on how to deal with sucidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts are just so normal with bipolar disorder. You are not alone if you’re having them. Julie