I write a lot about suicide on this blog. I just received this comment from one of the posts. I replied to the comment below:
Hi Julie,
And, now I’m scared. This down keeps on keeping on and more and more I cannot see the point of my living. Diagnosed 12 years ago and many meds later I’m not confined to my bed but I’m just awake more to alienate myself from everyone and experience longer and more excruciating bouts of pain. I understand that fighting attitude and I keep trying to rise above it and then I get weary and then I can’t fight my way out of a paper bag. I’ve lost all credibility with family, friends and co-workers. I don’t want to be around someone like me. I have not stopped crying for weeks. I cry while I’m walking, I cry at thru water aerobics Now, I’m just holding on until I can experience , at best, a grey day.
Hi Kat,
I went through a month long suicidal episode this summer- it was a reaction to a medication. I remember driving down the street crying and crying- but I KNEW that it was bipolar disorder. I have been suicidal off and on for all of my adult life. It’s the same thing as being manic- it’s part of the illness. If you can remember this- it helps a lot. Here are some tips for dealing with the suicidal thoughts while you get help.
1. Suicidal thoughts follow a pattern- everyone who is suicidal thinks in the same way. The topic changes depending on your personal experiences- but the nature of the thoughts never changes. Everything is awful- everything is dark – there is no hope and nothing will ever get better. Notice that this is black and white thinking- it’s literally impossible that nothing will ever get better. As you say- even a gray day is better than the suicidal days.
2. Say this to yourself- this is an illness- this is not the real me- this is not my life. I am not my thoughts. Things can and will get better.
3.Check your meds- many medications can cause suicidal thoughts- check to see if your meds are too low- people with bipolar disorder have to be very careful if they take antidepressants as they can cause mania and or suicidal thoughts. My suicidal episode this summer was from Zoloft. I knew I shouldn’t try it! I know you have tried medications for years- but there is always hope.
4. I know this is a scary topic- but talk with your doctor about ECT. It can be a miraculous treatment for serious depression. I have friends who say it changed their lives. There is a lot of information on the web that is anti ECT- but it’s important to remember that the web often has more negative information than positive stories. All of the doctors I talk to and work closely with approve of ECT. I almost had it myself, but the Lamictal got me out of the severe depression.
5. It’s easy for others to say not to give up- but you’re hearing this from me- suicidal since 19- constant depression until I created my treatment plan and then almost constant depression. Like you said- why would anyone want to be around us when we are so sick and crying all of the time! Don’t give up- this literally has nothing to do with you- if you’re crying all of the time- that’s a huge sign that it’s bipolar.
If you do all of the above- I promise you that a gray day will happen and then you can find the energy to take new steps to end this suicidal episode.
Julie
Related posts: Living with bipolar suicidal thoughts… | Depression and Suicide | Bipolar Disorder and Suicidal Depression Downswings |
Hi Kat and Julie – Thank you so much for your thoughts/feelings on suicide. It helps me to know that I am not alone in this illness. It is so true how the symptoms/thought patterns are the same from person to person with this illness. Christmas is coming and it is always so hard for me. Thank you for your words of encouragement, Julie. Good luck to you, Kat, in getting some relief. I know that relief is possible although it is hard to see it now. Remember the good times – Take care – we’re not alone in this illness.
Hi Karen,
Thanks for your comment. Ah yes the holidays- these are the toughest times for people with bipolar depression. I have my plans set already as I don’t want a repeat of past holidays. I believe that knowing exactly where you are going to be and who is going to be there makes a big difference. This helps a lot with suicidal thoughts as well. Thanks again, Julie
Thank you sooooo much Julie and Karen! You both sure had a Purpose in my life in writing this!!! I am so sad. I am so depressed. I hurt. I was hospitalized on Oct. 28th for one week after my meds that had helped me wonderfully for 4 years just stopped working (last hospitalization 4 years ago). ALL was dark and I mean ALL. It was sheer horror-perfect for Halloween to be ironic I guess (haha). I started a new med and I am getting better-slowly. But surely. I do have my days and momements. Tomorrow I start my new mood stabilizer. We’ll see. I have hope. But I am sad (notice the repetition?? Yep. Depression) But I swear I will NOT give up. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just think happy thoughts and feel happy things? (there is A LOT of happiness in this world!!!!) Why? Because I have no life. Oh hello again depression, nice to meet you again. You’re such a bullshi**#%. Anyhow, I know I need the treatment cards badly, its about time. I have over 500 pages complete on a series of books on recovery-I write very well actually, when I am well. I just feel like I won’t feel better till I am published and successful. Funny how before the depression hit I was trusting and not rushing that process, hmmm. I also dealt with someone else’s suicide when–while-I was working as a counselor this summer. I know that had something to do with this. It had to. I shortly thereafter quit my job as residential counselor due to stress, discrimination, drama; the perfect storm. Hello depression. Anyhow bless you ladies, bless everyone this hoilday season. I’m gonna get through this one paddle at a time (the image of rowing comes to mind).
Nichol Widga
My husband suffers from bipolar disorder and also has a difficult time during the Holiday’s. This year I found a book to cheer him up… “Blessed with Bipolar: 36 God-Given Gifts of Manic-Depression” by Richard Jarzynka. The book really brings out a great point about bipolar disorder that I have found to be so true… “If you have bipolar, you have a gift to offer the world. The disorder and its extreme emotions have given you a unique perspective on life and the ability to deeply empathize with others in their most dire circumstances and pain. You can comfort others with the comfort you have known. You have a more intense experience of reality than 95 % of the world will ever have. You know the reality of human emotions in an amazing and unique way that can be used by God to literally change lives.”
Thank you for having positive information regarding ECT. I had 22 treatments in 2008 and it saved my life. There is so much negative about it on the internet and most people think it is like what has been shown in movies. I’ve even been criticised in support groups by others saying that it causes brain damage. There is some memory loss, but most of it comes back and it’s worth what you lose.
HI Mick,
I would have ECT if I needed it. I was close a few years ago and then found out my Lamictal wasn’t at the right dose. My friend Gayathri Ramprasad is a big mental health activist in the Indian community- she is from Bangalore, India. She became severely depressed when she moved to this country- she had always been depressed, but when it got so bad she tried to kill herself, she had ECT. It saved her life. She says she had memory loss- but it’s better than being so ill. Here is her webpage. http://www.myasha.org
Thanks for writing and I am SO glad you chose ECT and it helped you. Julie
If Your Bipolar Andd Your Thinkking
Of Suicide.
Whats The Best Thing To Do?
Hi Maria,
First, I always remind myself that my suicidal thoughts are about bipolar and not my life. I don’t want to kill myself- I just don’t want to be in so much pain. If you look to the right, there is a category list. The suicide category has many ideas on how to deal with sucidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts are just so normal with bipolar disorder. You are not alone if you’re having them. Julie
so what if your a bipolar drunk and still drink and have been through many upon many of classes for alcoholism? the only time i ever feel it would just be better if i were gone is when im drunk… and every time i am drunk this does not happen? why? i can have my great nights of partying but i can have my off nights… it doesnt happen when im sober… when im sober im rational and think of everyone… they always come first… so why is that its only when intake alcohol?
Courtney,
I used to be a bipolar drunk, too. (Many years) It did calm me down at night and I thought it made my depression more bearable. I know that the drinking just eventually ruined nearly all of my relationships and exerted a terrible toll on my children. In addition, fueling tremendous guilt as a result. I really don’t know why I stopped. I probably had so much ECT I don’t remember. Now I still feel like utter hell at times, but for some reason it never occurs to me to drink. My daughter (probably bipolar) drinks and smokes weed and is so promiscuous it is unbelievable. (At least she stopped crack and meth.) Other times she will call me depressed and suicidal. She tells me that she really feels good after an AA/NA meeting when she does go. Maybe you will just burn out from drinking when you get old; however, it sounds like you have some insight into your drinking–you are probably on the right track. The last time I overdosed I was drinking and taking pills and insulin and ended up on a ventilator in ICU. Please try and resist alcohol when feeling like hell as it only makes things worse and can be fatal.
Much love, April
Hi April,
Thanks for your letter. I find it amazing at how our bodies react so differently to alcohol depending on our moods. If I drink too much when I;m depressed, I become far more depressed and have a terrible hangover and much worse depression the next day. If I drink when manic, I can drink so much more than normally possible- it tastes like nectar and I fell like a movie star. If I am still manic the next day- I don’t have much of a hangover and want to start drinking immediately.
This is why I completely stopped drinking in 1995 when I was diagnosed- I wish I could say I never had trouble again- but that would not be true. I still struggle with alcohol when I am manic as I lose my normal filters. As we all do.
Alcohol is dangerous in so many ways because it exacerbates the negative behaviors of bipolar disorder.
It’s so natural to want to get drunk to deal with mood swings. It doesn’t work- but it’s natural. The better I became at managing the illness on my own- the less I needed to drink. I still have to be careful.
Julie
Bi polar here, 30 + years Try this using your meds
Establish rhougts that are connected to your manic
Be sure you carefully are able to pick these thoughts out
These thoughts do not belong to YOU
When you have identiied the thoughts that do not belong to you
Simply concentrate on another thought
Your mind can have obly one train of thought
The thought that does belong to you has to go away
This takes work before you master this
And you will have to do this the rest of your life
But it becomes much easier the more you do it
then,
live in today its the only day you can live in
save your good memories, these are what you cherish
the past is everything else and you are not to return at anytime
the future can’t be lived in and you can’t project yourself into the future
use today to plan for the future as thats all you do
Sum it up, use the personal thought control and live in today
I live in beace today God Bless
Thanks Hal!
I am what they call a someone who lives in the shadow of suicide, it’s a nightmare
that never ends, I have councilling, it’s been 19 months since my son took his life,
he could not deal with the pain anymore, I totally understand and my heart goes out to all those who are inflicted with this life threatening disorder,I just wish society was more clued up and really understood what each day is like for you guys,
I pray everyday that soon a cure will be found, or a wonder medication that works for all. Never in my wildest dreams did I think surviving suicide would be so tough, so heartbreaking, I think of my son everyday, my heart is shattered,I will never get over his death and I pray for all sufferers may God be with you all.
hi
Your article is very informative.I am an Indian girl. Since my childhood iam suffering from my fathers rejection for everything I tried to ask him many times but he refuse it I always thought of suicide but my sister help me out to come out of suicidal thought.
Now i am getting marry to boy who is choose my father though I loved someone else but just to get love from my father i am getting marry boy of his choice.
But I am unable to do this marriage as i love someone and my father is accepting my wish. This making me so depressed that every moment i think of suicide.
Please help