I wanted to tell you a little about my “roundabout” way of getting diagnosed with bipolar. I had my first suicide attempt at 15 & my last one 2 1/2 years ago. I am now 54. My mother had bipolar & was not able to be helped. She was in & out of mental institutions, had ECT’s, medications & was in the process of being involuntarily committed to the mental institution when she successfully killed herself (after many attempts). I was 15; this was about 3 months after my overdose. She had been “sick” since I was 3 years old.

After my mother died, my father didn’t want to deal with another “mental case” I guess so he sent me away to a boarding school. I didn’t see much of him after that. I turned to alcohol & drank to the point of blackouts frequently. In my 20’s I had a baby 2 1/2 months premature due to my drinking & smoking while pregnant.

The intense guilt over that caused me to stop drinking & smoking, but the depression came back full force. I sought help, but my GP kept putting me on anti-depressants. When I got on Prozac I went into hypo mania & thought, “Wow, this stuff really works!” I felt great for about 8 weeks & then crashed. He upped the dosage & the same thing happened. Then he switched me to other anti-depressants & I followed the same pattern for years.

Finally, I changed to an internal medicine doc & when I went in to see her I was in a mixed state & she said with my mother having bipolar & my symptoms & reactions to anti-depressants she didn’t think I had “regular depression” but bipolar & put me on Depakote & sent me to a psychiatrist. By this time I was about 43 years old & quite frankly a mess. I had started drinking & smoking again & was barely coping.

The Depakote helped with the agitation, but not the depression so that started a year-long quest for the right combo of meds. I had so many side effects. Felt GREAT on Lithium but had kidney malfunction. Geodon knocked me out so much that I fell asleep while driving & the only thing that saved me from killing myself was that the shoulder of the road had gravel & the sound of the wheels hitting the gravel as I veered off the road woke me up.

I did have paranoia & delusional thinking (thought my husband wanted me to kill myself) & was put on Abilify & Lamictal & Provigil & Xanax–later had to add Wellbutrin one winter when a depression hit me.

But I was stable for 5 years & got involved with NAMI teaching in their classes as a consumer & was a “poster middle-aged woman” for bipolar. Doing all the right things.

Then I went on a trip to see a friend in Calif. I live in the Midwest I got very excited & started not sleeping due to excitement. When I got there I continued to not sleep–just getting about 2 hours of sleep yet full of energy & enthusiasm. I felt WONDERFUL.

When I returned home this “new me” continued for 5 months. I so was enthused about everything & enjoyed all the extra time I had because I was only sleeping 2-3 hours. I could actually feel the adrenaline coursing through my body–rushing like speed.

I didn’t tell the doc as I didn’t realize this was dangerous. I was joining all sorts of organizations & playing a mean game of tennis & my husband seemed to like this personality better, too. I was more social, self confident (never one of my strong suits) & face it, he liked the stronger sex drive that came along with it.

But with the lack of sleep I didn’t realize that my brain could “misfire” & one night he made a negative remark & I flipped a switch & went into the bathroom & downed a bottled of Xanax. He found me unconscious.

So there went my stability. For 2 years after that I struggled with being in a mixed state. My meds being fooled with. Going to intensive therapy. My self esteem was in the gutter. I couldn’t stop crying & somehow all this childhood stuff came up that I had “forgotten.”

But I also started dialectical behavioral therapy. What a great thing that has been. I have learned so many tools to help me retrain my thinking & thus, help me regulate my out of control emotions. Now in the past 2 months I have been able to get off the Abilify (the paranoia & delusions have not returned) & cut my Lamictal dosage by 1/2. I’m not on any anti-depressants & have learned to handle my anxiety with breathing techniques & mindfulness.

I no longer fear I will overdose again. I know now that I have to call my doc if I go 3 nights without sleeping at least 6 hours & that I cannot give into the “drug” of hypo mania as it is like a drug to me.

My husband has stuck with me through all this. We met at that boarding school all those years ago when I was 15 & have been married for 34 years. My preemie? She is now a law prof. I had another son (didn’t drink or smoke during that pregnancy & had a full-term healthy baby); he is a civil engineer. They are both so happy for me to be feeling well again. I am so blessed to have a forgiving & understanding family.

Long story–sorry–but a happier one than my mother’s at least.

Hi Candace,

You are defintely as strong as I am- I just had to find ways to find the strength when I’m sick- if that makes sense. I have my system in place when things get bad, as they did last month! It takes daily practice. I lose hope regularly, but have to remind myself that the real me is pretty normal! I don’t even think about hope much when I’m well. I am sorry you’re having a tough day. Communication is hard when you feel rotten. But, you sent me a letter, so you are communicating! That means you can go to bed feeling better than when you woke up! Julie

Thanks for your most recent newsletter…I’ve been having a hard time getting anything done for about the last month or so, and I just feel “stupid” like my brain won’t work. Maybe it’s the season! Anyway, I was encouraged by your letter

~Noelle