Ignoring Bipolar Reality- messing with sleep

Like everyone, I struggle with doing what’s right for myself versus doing what I want to do.

 

I’m paying the price. Sleep is always an issue and lately I haven’t been a good girl when it comes to getting to bed on time. In fact, I’m doing things that are counter intuitive. Eating way too close to bed. Eating foods I’m allergic to- which means body pain that makes it hard to sleep.

 

Drinking too much decaf- eating chocolate and drinking iced tea. They all have caffeine!

 

Watching TV really late- but that’s because of the Olympics!

 

I can make so many excuses. Managing sleep is one of the best ways to manage bipolar disorder. I get tired (no pun intended!) or [ Read More ]





Bipolar Driving and Missing My Lamictal

Bipolar Driving and Missing My Lamictal

I’ve had a lot of irritation lately. My Lamictal dosage is messed up (my fault) and I can feel it affecting my tolerance level. I swear, I was in so much traffic the other day I thought I would explode. I live in a city, so this was not abnormal. What was abnormal is how I reacted to the traffic: cussing out my window when I was stopped at a green light. Honking my horn. Banging my steering wheel. Leaving a message on my friend’s cell saying, “Portland is a great city, but it’s going to hell!! This traffic is getting worse every day!”

I felt my face squeeze into an ugly mask. I wanted to hurt someone or ram someone’s car. And then I stopped and thought,Oh no. I’m rapid cycling. And right there, I realized what was going on. I was rapid cycling and my head was [ Read More ]





Bipolar Disorder Drama

One Bipolar Drama After Another!

I used to have a lot of drama in my life. Much of it was due to my own choices, some of it was due to bipolar disorder causing me to make stupid choices, such as when I get manic.

I have changed completely in the past few years. I’m no longer willing to make decisions and then just hope they turn out ok.

I get too sick when I do this. I have goals in life that I want to reach-  speaking to large groups on mental health, reducing the suicide rate in this country, financial stability, physical health- big stuff for sure! The only way I can accomplish my goals is to examine every potential decision for disaster (drama!) from sending an email to saying yes to a request. I’ve learned to ask myself the following questions:

Will it make me sick?

Has it made me sick in [ Read More ]





Depression and Generocity

It’s so hard to be generous when you feel like hell.

It’s hard to be happy for others when you’re unhappy.

It’s hard not to be jealous when you see someone get what you can’t have.

It’s hard to say, ‘I’m so proud of you! Good job! You deserve it! I’m happy for you!” when you fell like your world is falling apart.

But guess what, you can teach yourself to do it- even when you don’t feel you can do it.

I call it acting as if.

When I’m unbelievably jealous of a friend,  I first have to look inside myself and see where the jealousy comes from- it usually comes from depression. In fact, if I’m jealous and depressed and mean and nasty and then the friend starts having problems, I actually feel better! It’s awful and something I fight a lot! It simply is not the real me. I am always happy [ Read More ]