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    The Fine Line Between Creativity and Illness

    I’m in the middle of a very quick, exciting and completely up in the air book project.  The publishing profession is very volatile, hit and miss, unsure, sometimes devastating and when it works, exhilarating and profitable.  It’s hard to deal with bipolar disorder and work!

    The problem is that you literally can’t control how things will turn out. But you keep trying.

    In the normal process, I turn in my ideas to my agent- she then contacts specific editors she thinks are a good fit for the project. I currently have an idea for a relationship book that’s very exciting.  An editor liked the idea and asked for a table of contents and a sample chapter- four days ago. I have been working on it pretty steadily and I can feel the effects:

    1. Too wound up and excited to sleep
    2. Alternatively hopeful and fearful- which leads to anxiety
    3. Irritated- massively irritated from the stress of having to work so quickly
    4. Scared that it won’t happen

    I feel lurking, overwhelming anxiety and hysteria in the background. I’m getting the feeling I get when things are getting very overstimulating . My brain is shutting down a bit and I have to put off other projects in order to have enough mental health to keep going with the new book project. I then have to protect myself because I know for sure I will get depressed if it doesn’t go through- even though it’s normal in the business to have this uncertainty.

    My goal is to do as much as possible to keep myself in excellent mental health during this process. I will get plenty of sleep and remind myself that even if I get sick, the project can still get done with the same quality as it would when I’m well. And most importantly, I will focus on the fact that I have an original idea that others find interesting.

    I’ve spent every day of the past seven years getting well enough to work on projects such as this one! I don’t want to mess up now.

    This is one of the reasons I haven’t written as many blogs- or answered the questions I said I would answer. I am consolidating my mental tools.

    I love your comments, so keep sending them in!
    Julie

    PS: I came very, very close but didn’t get the book deal. I handled it well.

    Related posts:   Cherise asks: how can I manage bipolar illness and also go to work and school? |  Work and Bipolar Disorder: It has been nine years! Why do I keep thinking this illness is going to change? |  Bipolar Disorder and Focus: How do you do it Julie? |





    4 comments to The Fine Line Between Creativity and Illness

    • Martin
      April 14, 2009 at 4:20 am · Reply to this comment

      Hello, Sister! I say that because I’m bipolar-1 and currently relatively manic. And I’m sure you’re describing the typical onset of mania here. Like you, I’m always trying to develop wisdom that will get me through it without disaster. My best defense by far is the embrace of Buddhist ideas, though I’m not a devoted Buddhist. There, I find much about suffering, and what seems to be a truly authentic way of handling it.

      Best wishes!
      Martin

      Hi Martin,
      I love being ‘relatively manic’- unfortunately it is not a good thing over all! I have often thought that if I could just be about 25% mildly manic all of the time- that would be the life!

      I hope you did escape disaster- my last one was pretty bad- but it only lasted a few days! Now it’s back to the mild anxiety and the depression- but it’s better than usual! Julie

    • kathy
      April 14, 2009 at 11:13 am · Reply to this comment

      Hi Julie, remember, people like me, and my family benefit greatly from you sharing your experience no matter what the “pro’s” in the writing business tell you or your illness may tell you as you write. Don’t worry about the blog or newsletter. There is plenty in the archives for us to reference.

      Best wishes from me too.
      Kathy

      Hi Kathy,
      Thank you! I turn in a sample chapter today and managed to sleep! Julie

    • kathy
      April 15, 2009 at 9:23 pm · Reply to this comment

      Good News…on both fronts :)

      Hi Kathy,

      Thank you! I am truly grateful for all of the reader support from this blog!

      Julie

    • nichol
      April 17, 2009 at 10:30 pm · Reply to this comment

      cheers jules! way to go! we support u 100%! i have been a bit manic too and noticed when i was driving yesterday in the rain and snow in denver, i said to myself “god i LOOOOVE driving! and i love driving in the snow and rain! and i LOOOOOVE this music! and im gonna sing david bowie to my friend when i see him at the meeting!” etc. then i realized-it’s high time for seroquel prn! it may make me wanna eat, but thats better than mania . . . i managed it and got through it-now on to work,
      nichol

      hi Nicol,

      I bang my hands on my steering wheel like a drummer- and I turn the music up really loud. Even the road looks interesting. It took me a while to see this pattern and finally write it down on my mania Health Card! Now, after a few minutes, I go. Oh no… it’s mania. It is so disappointing! can’t I just be HAPPY for once!

      I am SO glad you took the Serequel. That is a sign that you truly know how to manage your illness. Julie

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