Oh man am I sick today.. depression has me in it’s tentacles!
- It’s hard to get on with life, but you usually have to.
- It’s hard to have conversations because you’re stuck in your own gloom, but you still have to talk to people.
- It’s hard to get out of your bipolar fog and work, but you have to sit down and at least get started.
- It’s hard to feel any hope, but you have to remind yourself that there is always hope because this is at treatable illness and it won’t always be like this.
Can you tell that this is what I’m saying to myself today? I have been sick for months off and on- lots of depression and rapid cycling between feeling pretty normal and then going way down. I haven’t had much hypomania- which is a bit odd as it is finally sunny here (off and on!) in Portland, Oregon.
This is a serious illness that has to be managed with a serious treatment plan. At least it’s that way for me. Many people with bipolar disorder take medications with great success- they are able to go back to work and have a balanced life- I wish that were me! But it never has been- so my goal is to manage this illness at 100% my best even when I’m super sick.
I made it to my office today- I cleaned my house- I made fresh SALSA for a birthday party tonight. I am going to see my nephew this afternoon. I am going to be fine. Crying is ok- it makes sense I would cry when I’m sick. I have people who love me and have a great treatment plan that has never let me down!
Onward!
**
Here is the salsa recipe:
Boil eight tomatoes with the skin on. (Take out the core before cooking, but you don’t have to cut them up)
Cook one jalapeno with the tomatoes. This gives flavor, but doesn’t make it too hot.
You don’t need to add any water to the tomatoes- they have tons of water in them. Just cook until they are medium soft.
Add tomatoes to a blender or Cuisinart and pulse until chunky.
Cool.
Add as many fresh jalapenos as desired- seeds and all. Three makes a very hot salsa. If you don’t like hot salsa, just leave them out.
Add three cloves of fresh garlic and a big handful of fresh cilantro.
Pulse together and keep adding more cilantro and or garlic salt you get the desired taste. Finish it off with plenty of salt to taste.
Wow, it’s good.
Who ever thought you would get a salsa recipe on a bipolar blog! I feel better just writing about it.
Julie
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I love salsa! lol! sounds like you are pushing onward just fine. i know how u feel though. Trust me. I been on meds for 4 years now, lithium, cymbalta and abilify and i still dont think they are right. I had a major high 6 years ago and that was it, im low all the time now. cant seem to shake it.
I’ve always wanted a good home-made salsa recipe…BONUS!!! I’m glad in a not happy way, to hear your posts this spring. My daughter has had a good long hall of Bipolar stronghold and is pushing on but it’s so hard to see her have to work so hard all the time. Meds don’t cut it for her either, help some but not nearly what you wish for. I’m sorry I get such hope from your tough days. That’s just not fair but it’s true so thank you for posting when it’s not easy to do and thanks for the recipe.
Kathy
Hi Kathy, I know it’s super hard for my mom to see me sick as well. I always say to her, “I’m going to be ok mom. You know that!” I probably say that just as much for myself!
It took me SO long to find the right meds, so there is hope for your daughter. Has she tried Lamictal? I always say that as it changed my life after trying 22 medications.
I write about my tough days so that people can see that we can go on no matter how sick we are- sometimes that means doing what you can- on others it means crying and asking for help and then there are the times when a person just has to go to the hospital. It’s an illness like any other illness – too bad there isn’t a cure, yet. There is hope with the genetic research is going on!
Say hi to your daughter for me. We sound similar! Julie
Julie,
I’ve been eating tons of fresh salsa lately.. not my own.. but by a company I’ve discovered that makes a brand called “Wholly Salsa”. It’s very delicious!
But as of today, I’ve just broken ground for my garden and planted my first plant starts that I had already bought. Guess what? Tomatoes and jalapenos are in the bunch, and now I can hardly wait for them to grow fast enough so I can try your recipe and make my own fresh salsa right out of my own garden! Yay! I feel better already, too. =) Thanks!
As for the up and down emotions, I’ve been really emotional the past few days. Rapid-cycling & mixed episodes through-out each day. Maybe it’s a weather thing, or a moon thing, or a mercury retrograde thing, or just stress or all of the above. Or maybe meds. I don’t know.
I’ve always been on Lithium and Lamictal… and have never known anything else. I don’t know if I could be better than what I am… because I have nothing to compare it to, to know what “normal” and “healthy” really is. All I know is that I’m way better now than I was before meds, and I never, ever want to go back to the way things were.
It would be nice though, to know if maybe there was a state of wellness that is better than my experience is now, but I’m afraid to mess up what seems to be a pretty good thing, by switching to something else that could make things worse.
Ah well, for now.. I have my beautiful garden, on my new 10 acres property that I just moved to, way out in the country.. and I feel alive and grounded (mostly… i think?) and at peace.. and maybe that’s enough for now.
The only thing that will make it better… is fresh salsa… in a few weeks. Oh, how I will be impatiently waiting now……
Thanks again, Julie…. for all you do. Including posting salsa recipes. hehe
- Morrigan
Hi Morrigan,
you have a lot of insight. If things are going well, don’t change the meds, that’s for sure. I am not sure who the real me is for any legnth of time- but I do know when I’m well. I’ve been sick for MONTHS and i finally got it to end. Today I woke up and just got on with life. If you have the Health Cards, there is a section on writing a normal letter to yourself- this is when you write to yourself so that you can read it when you get sick. I’ve found this helps a lot. I just visualize that letter and it motivates me to do something about the depression as it’s happening.
I think you have found the meds, environment and purpose that many search for. Good for you! Now you can examine who you are philosophically and go from there! I like the book The Four Agreements if you haven’t read it already!
Julie
Hi Julie, actually, my daughter does take Lamictal and Lexpro and I believe she is going to talk to the new Psychiatrist about increasing the dosage, when she finally gets to meet him. [This week, I think.] If I might ask, it’s not a good thing [now that she has found a therapist that she likes and has had a couple of appointments with, when her therapist cancels an apt.. [two now I think] My daughter has very limited time due to her job so she cannot rescheudle in the same week and it’s a time that she really needs to apt.. I have to say it ticks me off considering this persons job, I’d think that she’d be more aware of the effect, for many reasons. Is it unusual for a patient to ask for a phone apt.? Just thought. I don’t want to react with the anger I feel and would like to make a helpful suggestion.
Thanks again, and at your convenience, Kathy
Hi Kathy,
In my personal opinion, a therapist that cancels twice is not dependable- people with bipolar disorder need so much structure!
I have had to change times with my therapist- and she has had to change times with me- but it’s always done ahead of time and it’s rare. If the therapist is exceptional and really helps your daughter, I would suggest your daughter talk to her and say that sticking to appointments is essential. It’s important to remember that we PAY health care professionals- it’s not the other way around. When we pay for something, it’s natural we want value for our money.
If her connection with her therapist is not a great one, I suggest getting references from friends and other professionals and making it clear that consistency is essential.
This is tough isn’t it! But great and dependable therapists are out there!
I think that talking with her therapist first and being honest about her concerns is the first step. It may be the therapist is in crisis with something and has not told your daughter. But even then, that would be too much stress for me and I would look for someone else.
julie
PS…Dashed that off a little quickly as I’m sure you can tell.:)
Julie what can i do to get some support from people i have to be with every day? i have bought books from David Oliver ,asked them ,begged them to read about this illness , but no one seams to want to or have the time , I am at my wits end , i have suffered from this all my life i can always remember being very dark , even tho i had some good times in my child hood , i was molested by many men in my Family , and never felt safe , i have been through therapy for these issues , i have been suicidal many times in my life , trying it twice , unsuccessfully I have lived with this not knowing what was wrong with me for a very long time it was pure torcher! and having 4 children it was hard just getting threw every day .fortunately my sister & my mother was there to help.I was told in 1998 by my DR, that he taught i had Bipolar , But my mother being a state Mental Health Nurse . I was so ashamed to go to seek help where she worked (the only hosp. on the island , i have taken my poor children through 6 marriages always thinking there was something wrong with the men i was with ,and always believing they will love my children .I still feel the pain from all those mistakes that touched my children s lives , but feeling bad dos not change or help any one , now i am so focused on doing every thing better, being a better person , but God some times like Today I think I’m just not going to get through it , i want this day to be over , with all the expectations of every one around me , how i long for a way out of this pain I’m feeling , I’m loosing everyone in my life to death who ever made me feel even just a little bit safe . I have faith that it will be brighter tomorrow, my heart is so heavy i just want to get out of my body and hide for awhile . so i will go see what wisdom i can find from Julie .it seams some times she is what gets me through , i thank her with every ounce of my being , you are sent by God , THIS IS YOUR NITCH IN LIFE You Give so much to every one you touch with your work , God Blessings On YOU !!
Hi Yvonne,
Thank you for your comment. I think you are an amazing woman. You are not alone as there are millions of us out here who understand you 100%. I get a lot of strength from reading comments on this blog as well!!!
Julie
I went to my first therapy session in years yesterday ,and it helped Two things that Susan said to me Jumped out at me and i would like to share it with you , a Quote by Nelson Mandala “Resentments are like Drinking poison and hoping that the other person will Die” And Never do anything that doesn’t bring You Joy !just say No, But Thank you for Asking, it some how helps me not to feel guilty about saying no. I think it reinforces ,My joy in having the relationship with that person. And gives me the feeling like I have a right to say No . And It’s OK