Three Tips to Recognize, Feel and Ultimately Let Go of Shame Due to Mood Swing Behaviors
1. Recognize what was caused by a bipolar disorder mood swing. Remember that bipolar disorder is an illness that causes some pretty darn crazy behavior that you would never, ever do when well. It’s not like there is a choice in the matter to
- Sleep with two people at once when full blown manic
- Buy a car you can’t afford
- Leave someone you love because you are so depressed you can’t see straight
- Drop out of school because you can’t sit still.
Remember. If it happens because of bipolar- treat the bipolar and you won’t have to go through the shame… as much. For most people, mood swings come back and sneak up on you and even after years of management, you can still get sick. That is what happens to me. So I remind myself, if I’m feeling embarrassed and ashamed of something because I have bipolar and feel I should know better, that’s not realistic. I need to treat the bipolar and then deal with the shame.
Bipolar is a tricky illness. I must recognize that the shame I’m feeling is a result of something that happened during a mood swing, not a personal failing. I can prevent it from happening in the future. When something does sneak up on me, I say to myself, “Julie, you now prevent 90% of the mood swings that cause damage. Before, they all got through. I’m proud of you. Now deal with your feelings and move on.”
2. Feel the shame fully. Even if the reason you did what you did was bipolar, you still did it. It still had consequences. It still affected other people. Write it out.Talk about it. Here’s a very typical email I get all of the time:
“Julie, I’m so incredibly ashamed that I spend my daughter’s college fund on remodeling my kitchen. I didn’t listen to anymore- my partner was so upset that she threatened to leave. I didn’t feel that it was mania. I just felt invigorated and excited to FEEL something after being depressed for three months. I wish I had known that what I was feeling was mania. I understand the depression, but this mania kicks my ass sometimes. I need better meds I think. This was a $23,000 mistake. Julie, I’m going to do what you say. I’m open about my bipolar- first I need to apologize to my wife for not BEING ABLE to listen to her.I wasn’t in denial- we truly were having Bipolar Conversations. We will get Loving out again and strengthen our management plan. I need to tweak my meds- I’m not depressed like I use to be, but I forgot about the mania and how it feels so good.I wonder if my new meds let the mania back in? Julie, I’m so embarrassed. Maria’s college fund is gone. But, I love how you say Treat Bipolar First and things will work out. I make enough money to put that money back. Maria is only 11, it will work out. I forgive myself for what happened. It’s an illness. We are going to be OK.” Jim
Yes, you are Jim and I am too!
3. Prepare for Breakthrough Episodes and Stop Them Before They Go too Far. I told Jim that I also have break through episodes. A break though episode means you are taking meds if needed, working with a management plan- (Jim and his wife use the plan in Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder), and yet the mood swing shows up anyway. His daughter Maria fully knows about the bipolar- but he had not been manic for so long that everyone missed the signs at first and by the time his wife noticed them, Jim was in MANIA LA LA LAND and couldn’t translate what she was saying.
If we constantly have destructive mood swings- then it’s up to us to do something about it. A new plan is needed- then the shame will be less because there are less mood swings. For people like Jim and myself and possibly yourself or someone you care about, we DO have a plan, but bipolar disorder can be stronger than anything we throw at it. My mom is my greatest support in the world- she says, “Julie, I tell you I think you’re manic and you blow me off.” I always remind her. “Mom, when I’m so manic that all I feel is a raging curiosity and a desire to help others- I’m only half on this planet! I do hear you, but it takes me awhile to react- so please just keep saying that I’m manic, get out my Health Cards- put them in my face and help me get out of the clutches of bipolar. I always hear you eventually!” Also, when we let go of our shame- it helps our immune system heal from the mood swing.
Embarrassment and shame, guilt and worry. These are often the emotional after effects of a rough episode. Here’s a script we can all use when this happens- and then we must strengthen our plans because serious mood swings simply can’t be allowed to go too far. They are too destructive. We can manage this illness!
***Script example of what to say to yourself- or to say to someone you care about. It’s also nice to send this in an email!***
Dear (your name here- or a loved one’s name) You are a loving, kind and normal human being. You do your best- love other people- help others in need and are a good friend. You are pretty good at managing your money and you always do you best to stay stable. If bipolar disorder simply went away and if the meds were full proof with no side effects, you would not have to go through the embarrassment of these mood swings. But you know what (your name here!) I’m so proud of you! This is a tough illness. It’s not like having the flu! It’s tough and you are tough. Feel any shame you need to feel- feel the embarrassment of what you did and starting right this minute, make your plan stronger so that you don’t have to go through this again any time soon! You are loved…. signed, ME.
We are not alone in doing foolish things in the name of bipolar disorder. Only we an stop it from happening again and again and again by having a plan in place.
Treating bipolar disorder first with a strong management plan that includes meds when needed, a filled out symptom list for each mood swing and the help from people around you prevents shameful episodes. It’s ok if you got sick and did something you regret. Let’s work together so it doesn’t happen again!
I would start with Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and then move to the Health Cards if the mood swings are still causing problems.
