I Made it Thought the Suicide Darkness Once Again and You Can Too

Suicidal depression is the most dangerous illness in the world. It is more dangerous than any outwardly physical illness and is in my opinion far more dangerous than war and natural disasters. How can I make such a bold statement? In all of these situations, you have a self to protect you from harm. When you have a physical illness, you have a mind that says- you will make it through this! When you are in war, you can have training and weapons to protect you or have someone on your side to protect you if you are unable to fight for yourself. When a natural disaster occurs, you can take shelter and literally ‘weather out the storm.’ I am not making light of the death that can occur from outward experiences, but I am putting forth the argument that if we want to reduce suicide, we have to take it more seriously.

I consider depression the most dangerous illness in the world due to its ability to tell us to kill ourselves.

What is more dangerous to a human life than the brain that controls that life? Unless you have experienced suicidal depression, your mind will come up with holes in my argument. Please know that those of us with severe suicidal ideation that comes from an illness will understand the idea that unless we learn to protect ourselves from our ill brain, we might not win and stay alive.

I plan to stay alive. When I get suicidal, I have a plan. You can read about this plan here if you want to really dig deeper into my philosophy.

My latest suicidal depression was a few weeks ago. It was a whopper! A mental hurricane that was dangerous and life threatening. I was overwhelmed, scared and weakened by my thoughts, but I had my plan and I put it into action.

The suicidal episode was once again a reaction to a new medication. I regularly try new meds to help with my inability to sleep naturally. I don’t have insomnia. I don’t have sleep apnea. I have a sleep disorder that is created by bipolar disorder and a head injury, so finding a natural way to sleep is paramount in my life. This led to trying some meds that I knew could cause problems and one did.

The thoughts during this episode focused on the pointlessness of being alive. Oh! Just writing this is shocking. I love being alive and I love the people in my life. I am not in any way a pessimist and believe mightily in my future. And yet, a change in my brain chemistry took me down so far I had to go into protection mode in order to keep myself functioning. Here are the thoughts I have when I get into a What is the Point of Life? suicidal downswing.

No one will care if I’m not here.
Life is way too hard.
It will be such a relief to be dead!
Life is not meant to be such a struggle. I can just end it all and feel better.
I wish I were dead.
I want to die.

Oh goodness. What balderdash. What ridiculous statements. What LIES! But when I am depressed, they are more real than anything another person can say which is why this episode is so dangerous. The thoughts are unshakable. They are solid and feel as though they are rooted in reality.

How do I survive these suicidal episodes? I don’t try to talk myself out of being suicidal by counteracting my thoughts such as saying, “Julie, you know many people care for you and would be devastated if you died.” That rarely works. Instead, I do what I teach in all of my books.

I treat bipolar disorder first. No exceptions.

I have a set announcement in my head that I have memorized that sounds like this: Julie, you are sick. Nothing has happened in life. These thoughts are not real. They are your ill brain. Look at your Suicide and Depression Health Cards. You will see the same words over and over again. This is bipolar. Get help for the bipolar.

This is what bipolar ILLNESS looks like. It is not me. It is a mood swing. I am fine as I am. I treat bipolar disorder first.

This is what the real me looks like. A person with hopes and dreams and the ability to handle the world. I am not my illness and I take my bipolar disorder very seriously. Please know that the above picture and the picture below were only a few weeks apart. The above picture is not me. It is the outward image of my illness. I am not my bipolar. I am Julie and you are you.

My plan may not work for everyone, but if you have bipolar disorder, I would like to suggest it might work for you or at least become a part of your suicide prevention strategies. When you know what your suicidal thoughts sound like, you will be ready for when they show up and you can treat them the way you would treat any bipolar disorder mood swing.

When you treat bipolar disorder first, you can make it through the suicide darkness once again. No, it’s not fair you have to go through this. I am sad for myself as well, but please hear me when I say that just a few weeks later, I am sitting here writing this just as I would write anything. I didn’t want to die. Nothing had happened and the thoughts of ending my life were not my thoughts. They were the thoughts of bipolar disorder.

We can’t control the world. We can’t even control the person next to us! But we can set up a plan to Treat Bipolar First and then examine what we want to change in life. Suicidal darkness is not personal when you have bipolar disorder. It’s an illness. It can be managed and tamed. I hate this illness, but I love my life.

If you are suicidal right now, ask yourself this, “Do I have the same thoughts every time I am suicidal? Do I have the same feelings?” This will help you see that bipolar is consistent because it is an illness. I stay alive for myself. No one else. I like myself and I like my life. I will manage bipolar disorder daily and I encourage you to do the same. This is a dangerous illness, but can be stronger.

I believe in you,

Julie

Here are a few more resources from people who live with suicidal thoughts and manage them with a plan. My plan may not work for you, but the plans others have in place may be exactly what you are looking for!!!