by Julie A. Fast
I will let you in on a secret. Many of us with bipolar disorder feel like failures when the illness doesn’t allow us to have the high powered or super intellectual and/or creative jobs that we could probably do if this illness were not so difficult to manage. I’ve talked with parents for over 20 years now and have learned something important. Being a good person is far more important to parents than being a ‘successful’ person only through work and finances. Don’t believe me? I will let Don take over from here. He is writing a letter to his son Marcos.
Dear Marcos,
My son. Last week something happened that made me so happy I thought I would cry. You were the cause of his happiness and I wanted to say thank you. You are probably wondering what you did. I know you. You may think that I’m talking about jobs or school or reaching some kind of society implied goal, but I’m not. I’m talking about the call you made to your mother where you asked her for help in setting up your appointments for the month. When she hung up the phone, there was a smile and her first words were not that you were finally doing this or doing that- she said, “I am so proud of him. I am so proud to have a son who knows how to ask for help. So few people can do this.”
We have loved you and worried about you for many years. Like you, we had goals and dreams that were attached to an idea of how things should be. Marcos is so smart, he should be a lawyer like his brother. I am sorry that we ever thought this way, but we did. And I know you have thought the same way for many years. When you got manic in law school, it was devastating for all of us, but I can’t imagine what it was like for you. We had no idea what to do. Now, three years later we do have an idea of what we all need to do. We need to live our lives and share with you the pride we feel having you as our son.
How can I say this in a way that explains what your mom and I felt and how we discuss your life these days? I am going to try. I know, I am being sappy! But I mean this. Marcos, the way you have handled this diagnosis makes you a superstar in our eyes. The way you have learned to ask for help and receive help is humbling for us. You have learned skills and taught yourself skills that would never have been there if you had followed the path you thought was in front of you- the path we simply assumed would happen in this family of lawyers and teachers. I know this is not how we felt at the beginning. We didn’t understand this illness at all and thought you would simply take a pill and be better. We all know better now.
Do you remember when we almost called the police on you and you screamed at us and ran off in your car? That night changed all of our lives. This was not the son we knew. This was not you. This is when we blamed YOU for the brain we gave you. We can laugh about that a bit more now. Nothing ever prepares a parent for a child getting sick. We hid our heads for awhile. There was a lot of blame. Why can’t he settle down? What the hell was he thinking when he skipped his exams! Who taught him to even play poker! All of this was so new and so scary.
Three years later we have our son in our lives in a way I am not sure we would have had if the bipolar never showed up. No, I am not saying I see bipolar as anything good. I don’t. In fact, this is something I would like to discuss with you, but for now, this is a note to you to tell you something specific.
We will always love you, but who knows how proud we would be of you if the bipolar had not happened and we had not seen the amazing son who is now changing the lives of so many people. Your openness on social media scared us at first. How will he get a job now? I can’t believe I thought this. Please forgive me and know that this has been a learning and growing experience for ME. I was judgmental and I know that people have suffered because of this. You have become my teacher.
Marcos, I don’t care what job you have. I don’t care how much money you make. I care about the man you have become and I want to let you know I simply could not be more proud of you. Anyone who takes care of his health and his relationships in the way you do is a success beyond measure. Happy Birthday Marcos. I hope the next 25 years are wonderful for you and that what ever you decide to do next in life brings you great joy.
Papa
