Originally published on the Bp Magazine website.
Feeling Anxiety vs. Feeling Safe
I often get so anxious I feel I can’t go on. I want to do a project like answering email or making a call to a friend, but the minute I even approach the apparatus such as a phone or a computer, I feel a terrible physical reaction in my body that causes me to stop before I even get started.
This is the very definition of anxiety—a FEELING that you can’t do what you want to do. So, you simply stop in place and go back to what feels safe and more peaceful.
Inevitably, what feels safe and peaceful is something like a substance such as sugar, weed, or alcohol; a bad relationship; video games; or the internet. I know, you would never think that a bad relationship would be a choice over anxiety, but that’s how bad anxiety feels!
Anxiety in Turbulent Times
Current world situations now require us to be in our own company a lot more than we might like. This can bring up enormous anxiety that then leads to even more anxiety-avoiding behaviors.
Behavior created by the anxious brain is complex—quite separate from what we know is good for us. If you’re like me and you’re tired of living a life controlled by an unseen anxiety brain wave, let’s work together to get on with life while we have time to focus on our health.
Learning to Manage a New Symptom of Bipolar
I spent 30 years learning to live with my relentless depression. So far, it’s working, and although I still experience a lot of depression, it rarely brings me to my knees. I am now teaching myself to do the same with this rotten anxiety.
As I’ve gotten older and my brain has gone through more traumatic events (such as a serious biking accident in 2012 that resulted in a head injury), I found that my anxiety increased right when I was finally having relief from my lifelong depression.
It is my goal to use the strategies I created to manage mania and depression to help manage my current anxiety. Here are my ideas:
#1 Anxiety Is Real
I taught myself to work when I was depressed. I often cried while working, the depression was so awful, but I still managed to write books and get on with life. It has not been the same with anxiety. I find anxiety FAR more physical in terms of the symptoms.
Depression makes me feel two different ways—either I feel like I’m completely numb inside and catatonic, or I’m agitated and irritated. But anxiety? It’s simply worse.
It’s imperative to accept that anxiety is serious and terrible, and it CAN prevent us from working. We are not weak, lazy, or incapable of getting things done. Our brain is out to get us, and we have to find a path around the brain that doesn’t want us to work. Now, it’s time for me to teach myself to work through and around this anxiety.
#2 Work through the Pain
I once had a physical therapist tell me that when you have a chronic injury, working through pain—as long as you’re not injuring yourself more—is the only way to get better. This is a rough situation because the pain is scary, and it feels like you’re doing more harm than good; but if you don’t try to work through the pain, you will never get better. It’s the same with anxiety.
It’s often the moving toward something that feels too painful too bear. Thus, we stop before even opening a project or completing a task. It’s like an anxiety hornets’ nest opens up in front of you, and you have to step into it in order to get work done. It’s that painful. With anxiety, the hornets’ nest is metaphysical. It feels mighty real, but we know it’s not.
Feeling the pain of anxiety has to be the first step. To walk into the fire and at least try the project to see what happens. It’s always painful, but it’s the way to get work done.
Feel the pain and walk into it, and get a project done. It’s how I’ve written articles for the past few years. I now need to use this process in order to write a new book. The anxiety has kept me from big projects for a few years, and I’ve worked hard to get this new project ready. So, if you read this one day, and I have a new book out, then you will know the process is working. Just like you, I have to change and try new things to make it through this life with the brain I have.
#3 Get Help
This is especially true for men. Anxiety is not very fun, is it! To feel fear when approaching a project makes one feel weak and ineffectual. I have cried many times from the pain and fear that comes up when the anxiety rises up to my neck. And I have asked for help from health-care professionals and from friends and family. Turn to those around you for support. It’s not a sign of weakness but of strength.
It’s a daily process. Medications can help, but as with most chronic brain chaos, it’s often up to us to figure out what works and what doesn’t. I get help from my own books and the advice of others.
It’s My Decision
We didn’t win the brain lottery. We didn’t get the easy path. I want to live a long life that is easier as I get older. The only way to accomplish this is to grow and change as new symptoms show up. I never thought I would have to deal with this much anxiety, but here it is.
I had moderate anxiety since age 19, and now have had to live with serious anxiety since age 48. That is my life. I know that anxiety is a feeling in my body and not a reality in the physical world.
What I do with my life is up to me. I want peace. I want to write more books, and I want to end this anxiety. I am a work in progress. Join me!
