Suicidal? Here is how I handle suicidal thoughts.
I know my typical thoughts. Here are a few examples:
Mild:
What’s the point?
Another day of this life?
My work is pointless and I am washed up.
Escalating:
I would be better off if I just got cancer and then I could just die.
I would not get treatment if I got cancer.
Life is too hard.
I am always sick and I can’t take this any more!
Serious:
I am going to drive my car into that wall.
I am going to drive my car off the bridge.
I can walk in front of a bus.
I am going to take all of these pills.
I can list these verbatim as I have had the same thoughts for almost 40 years.
Suicidal thoughts are a completely normal part of having bipolar. This is a mood disorder and suicidal thoughts are about the mood.
Memorizing what I think, say and do when I am suicidal has saved my life. When these thoughts start now, I go into action mode.
– I remind myself that I am sick and I have to stop what I’m doing and Treat Bipolar First.
– I need to tell my doctor, Julie Foster of Pohala Clinic – A Place of Healing that the suicidal thoughts are back and I need help with meds.
– I will talk to myself all day and remind myself that this is illness and nothing more.
My suicidal thoughts and feelings are often a part of psychosis. I have hallucinations when I’m suicidal.
My first suicidal episode was in 1983. I was going through my first break up and I had the thought, “Everything would be better if I just rode my bike in front of this bus.”
My most recent suicidal thought was a few weeks ago!
It is a part of life with bipolar.
Are you suicidal right now? Does it help to know you are 100% normal? It is no different than having trouble breathing. You (and I) need to get help when the suicidal thoughts are raging just as we would get help if the mania were raging and taking over our lives.
Suicidal thoughts are scary, but they are not real. They are only thoughts. If we disconnect these thoughts and do not let them turn into suicidal behavior, we will survive.
I know there is a saying- It gets better.. and when you’re suicidal, this feels impossible, but please know that it’s true. Each time you’re suicidal and you create a plan that you can use the next time, you will decrease the intensity and length of the episode.
No one needs to live with suicidal depression. First, we recognize it as illness and talk to ourselves about being sick.
Then, we get help for the illness just as we would get help for any illness.
This includes medications such as the new and hopeful ketamine treatments, ECT and more.
I will do anything for stability. If you’re suicidal right now and you made it thorough this long ass post- chapeau my dear friend. Now, let’s get some help.
