I woke up feeling ok this morning. I am very much looking forward to watching soccer with my friends. (It’s the Champion’s League game with Arsenal and Borussia Dortmund for any football fans out there!)
I have my morning planned out so that I can get my work done before and after the match. The weather is nice and I actually got to sleep rather easily last night! All good stuff.
Then, as I was walking to Starbucks where I am doing my email, I started to have these thoughts:
“Something is not right. I am in the wrong place. My clothes look funny. I am not as great as I think I am. Things will not work out for me. Other people have it so much easier. Something is wrong.”
If you have bipolar disorder, you know that these quick mood swings can be actual thoughts that you can identify- or they are simply the feeling that something’s wrong. You just don’t feel right.
As soon as this started, I used the tips I talk about in my books and did the following.
1. Reminded myself that I always have these thoughts when I am in a new situation such as going to a noisy place to watch a soccer game. It’s just stress and the thoughts are ALWAYS the same no matter what the event. I have them written specifically on my Health Cards so I won’t forget how normal the thoughts are for me. The Health Cards are my treatment plan- there is a link on the menu to read more.
2. I said LEAVE ME ALONE to the thoughts over and over again and just pushed the thoughts from my head. I was fine when I woke up- so I knew I could make sure this was just a blip on my day.
3. I kept going with my plan which was to go to Starbucks and do my email before I watch the match. I know that I can get things done no matter what my mind is thinking- this is mild stuff compared to what I have been through and I will not let it ruin my morning!
Julie
heck i get like that on line as well as out there in the real world lol
congrats though on what seems to be a real good way of copeing with it all
I also get strange down thoughts before going someplace that is stressful. This is true even if it is positive stress and I actually will enjoy the experience. As the stress increases up to the event, in my mind I will come up with reasons that I don’t want to go. However, I try to remind myself that I actually do want to go, as I did previously. I try to think of the positives and ignore the negative thoughts. It is easier if I think of the negative thoughts as symptoms and I tell myself that I won’t let them ruin my day, and that I won’t let myself ruin the day for others. I try to focus on the other people around me, and I try to do what I can to be a helpful or interesting person to be around, which might mean contributing to a conversation, helping with food preparation, etc. It’s good to remember that other people also have stress (whether bipolar or not) and if you can do things to make other people comfortable, then your own comfort often follows.
have them, am surrounded by them, sometimes cope but often don’t.
Think it is important to realize it is OK some days just to go home and rest. We cant be perfect all the time!
How does one respond to a bipolar 1 loved one, who is fighting a depression cycle and comments “I’d like to have a new brain”? It’s summer time; his usual pattern is depression in June, hypomania in July, and if he doesn’t catch himself, mania in late August – early September. He has the Health cards but has never used them effectively….I sent him a copy of your recent annual mania newsletter.
Julie,
I can identify with the negative thoughts. I have been struggling with them for the past tmonth. I have been sleeping more than normal, going to bed at 9:30 and waking between 9 and 10am. Sleeping gives me a break from the emptiness inside. I always think I’ll wake up feeling positive, energetic and ready to tackle the day but it’s not that way lately. I read your book “Get It Done When You’re Depressed” and the strategies in the book has helped me; I have to be my own drill sargent (sp) to get moving. Morning is the worst for me.
I have been married for 22 years, our home is paid off, 2 of our 3 kids are in college, the youngest will be a senior. I am off work for the summer, keeping busy with projects in the home, today I will finish unpacking, clean the home, wash my car, walk the dog and make dinner. Everything around me is positive yet I feel empty. I have friends but don’t initiate getting together with them. I think I’ll be too boring or that my knowledge base is too weak to have intelligent conversations so I stay to myself, more isolated than social. I confided these things with a friend and she told me that’s not how others view me at all. When we are with a group of people for our daughter’s softball games, I involve myself with others and appear confident but don’t feel it. (Our private life is so different from our public life.)
I have been diagnosed with cyclothymia. My meds were adjusted from 100 mg Pristiq and 2.5 mg of Abilify to 400 mg Lamictal and am the Pristiq was lessened to 50 mg. (This change over was done gradually) I felt pretty good with my previous meds but started to feel the depression return, that’s why my meds were adjusted. After being on the Lamictal/Pristiq, I had three very bad days two weeks ago, crying when there was nothing to cry about except to escape this terrible feeling, Pristiq was increased to 100 mg. (I’m slightly tearful writing this.) I constantly feel a pit of emptiness in my stomach and keep busy or sleep to try to escape this feeling. I noticed that the day after I drink alcohol it’s worse so I have again decided to abstain, my mental health is more important than the momentary lift while drinking, I know that alcohol is categorized as a depressant.
Thank you for your blog and the work you are doing with coping with depression and bipolar. I will keep going, forge ahead and continue to hope that there is more to life than this.
Holding On,
Kim
julie, it is refreshing to me to read your words that say your negative thoughts entering starbucks are a reflection of your mood disorder. i want to believe that for myself but instead believe that my negative self-talk is a result of my upbringing instead of my illness. as helpful as your belief is about these negative thoughts, it feels almost impossible to change them when they are raging. i do agree they are worse when my mood is down.
it is hard, as we all must know, to believe that our thoughts are not always true. they are influenced or caused by our illness. i understand that, but in the moments of clanging put-downs inside, i don’t believe that. it takes work to get out of that storm, and as you say, we can work our way to a better place. i want to believe these thoughts are related to my illness, but if i had to choose, they feel like this is the way it is, that they speak the truth. with your encouragement along with others, i will continue to work at believing that my negative thoughts are indeed caused by or worsened by this bipolar disorder illness.
here’s to living well with illness.
jb
HI JB,
Thanks for your great comments- it took me a very long time to determine what were depressive thoughts and what were real thoughts of anger, sadness, disappointment- etc. One main difference is the real thoughts fit the mood- someone breaks up with you- you are sad. Depressive thought always either don’t fit the situation at all- such as being absolutely and utterly sad and depressed at your much loved nephew’s birthday party- or depressive thoughts are a complete and utterly unreasonable, over the top reaction to events- which means the mood is real, but the intensity of the mood is caused by bipolar. It’s only when I wrote all of this stuff down on my Health Cards that I learned the difference. I still struggle with it- but almost always I can know tell the difference.
I can tell you are on the right path! Julie
This is a daily affirmation I just ran across on Facebook. “Be patient and loving with every fearful thought. Practice observing your fears as a witness, and you’ll see them dissolve.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer
I have bipolar 2 disorder. I don’t handle stress well. My meds make me tired and gain weight. I have two wonderful daughters and my husband. Right now, I feel unhappy and lonely. My husband said that if I lose twenty pounds, he will take our family on a winter trip to Colorado. I love snow! My husband is not nice to me sometimes. I am stressed about my girls starting school again this fall(really still summer!).I love my psychiatrist. He saved my life! He gave me 10 ECTs. He is a nice, smart man. I go to bipolar meetings when I am able. I go to different kinds of 12 Step meetings, too. I need to work the steps!!! Thank you Julie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!