Marie just left a comment on a mania post. It was very insightful and helpful.
And… she asked this question- it REALLY made me think. She said….
I would like to have one really good healthy day in which I did not question myself! How about you?
At first, my answer was- oh yes! Just one day this week! Then I had another thought- it’s rather esoteric.
This illness stinks. It has been terrible for me this week and it may be terrible today- luckily I woke up pretty stable- but overall, I am a different person because of this illness.
I have to manage bipolar disorder 24 hours a day in order to stay stable. I watch what I say, do and really try to counteract what I think when I’m sick. This makes me a better friend, partner, daughter, student, teacher, etc.
We have to be more aware when we have bipolar disorder – which means we can be more aware of the people around us. Most people aren’t like this. They are just living life (lucky!) – but we have to examine our lives continually in order to stay well. We might as well make the most of it.
Julie
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I think this would be about right, though most times I seem to forget I have it, then wonder when someone says something that really wouldnt bother Joe Bloggs it effects me like a tornado hitting, then I remember, oh yes that dreaded BP isnt it.
I dislike that about me, cant seem to handle those sort of remarks that dont effect others like they do me.
Dont seem to get on top of it either, its always lurking around, always there, waiting to pounce just when someone says something that upsets 🙁
I often tell my partner that it feels like you are always in character. I portray one person to my co-workers and another to my friends. I constantly pretend that I am happy-go-lucky and that my world is perfect. I have the perfect house, the perfect job, this nicest ride, etc. Then, when I go home, and I am alone with my partner, I completely unravel and I have to face the real me. I am exhausted of playing a character so that the world sees me as normal. I don’t feel that anyone really knows ME and I fear there the one person that sees me “out of character” will eventually get tired of the sadness and negativity that is the real me. I’m tired of constantly being aware. I want out of this situation. I want support, sympathy, empathy, and wellness. I just don’t have the energy to fight, much less fight myself. I want to know how others do it. How do you survive when you don’t have a fight left in you.