Bipolar Down Swings
I’m in quite a doozy of a downswing. I have many different kinds of bipolar downswings. This one is a sadness about my past down swing. I’m thinking of a person I once loved very much who ended our friendship when he got married. I remember my ex who got very sick this year and didn’t want my help. The music I’m listening to as I write this is making me sad. I’m at a library writing my latest book and when I look out the window I see so many happy people walking around the farmer’s market. Last night I went to an event that was a lot of fun, and yet all I could do was think of how I didn’t fit in and that I didn’t fit in anywhere. I’m worried that my nephew will die before I do and then I worry that I would never survive if something happened to my family. I have the thought that I would rather die first. My diet is a mess. I sprained my toe. I’m worried about money. The summer is over and the weather is getting dark. My book draft is due on Monday and I feel very behind. I have an event to go to tonight for NAMI and I feel pressured to go even though it was my idea and my choice to say yes! I feel that I will be like this forever.
Welcome to the insidious, dangerous, lying bipolar disorder down swing. Can you believe all of that went through my mind just as I wrote it! This is one nasty illness. People without bipolar disorder may say, “But Julie we all go through this!” Actually… no, not at all. No one without depression goes through this because it’s NOT REALL. It’s a mood swing manufactured by an illness. If you read down about four blogs you will see the normal me who had a quiet brain and was just getting on with my day! Then this. Nothing changed. I’m under the same work pressure I’ve been under for months. My financial picture is the same. My relationships are fine. I’m able to work today. And my friend got married two years ago and my ex and I broke up way before he didn’t want my help when he got sick! It’s always hard for me to listen to certain songs when I’m sick and there is no freaking way that everyone I can see out my window is happier than I am.
This is an illness that creeps up on me and wants to ruin my life. Well, I simply won’t let it! I write in order to get the language of depression down on paper. Then I can look at it objectively. The Health Cards taught me to do this. If you look at my depression Health Cards you will see that exact same thoughts that I wrote about above. That’s because it’s an illness with set patterns. I won’t let it get me down. I will do my writing and get outside and go to my event tonight and have fun. I will not let this depression control my life. I’ve gotten good at these techniques!
Julie
Wow Julie, you are one amazing person, persevering and pushing forward. I admire you for your strength and courage and refusal to be highjacked by your feelings. I know it is not easy.