Mother’s Day

I am very upset, stressed, on the edge, worried and unhappy

How about that! At least I am aware of it. True problems arise when you feel all of the above and don’t know it. But I know it and I have known it for a few weeks. My rapid cycling has been so bad it’s hard to keep up with it. I just had a sort of argument with my mom. I bought her an Ipod for mother’s day and it didn’t go well. I was so excited- I’m cash only now, so I took a lot of thought about the price and what I wanted to do. I rarely give presents- so this was special. I set up Itunes and downloaded a live album from her favorite singer Jamie Cullum.

When I gave it to her I was so excited. She liked it and listened to it for a while. Then she said, “Can you take this back?” I said, “What?” She said, “I have points on my credit card and I can get one with my points.”

I got SO upset. I just spent money- set it up and made it a surprise and she asks if I can take it back. I know she meant that she could save me the money- but that takes away the spirit of the gift.

It’s my goal in life to remain reasonable. I try not to take out my mood swings on others and I always try to examine my behavior so that I don’t do something to make myself sick. My brain gets tipped into crisis very, very easily. Today I wasn’t able to do it. I said, “It’s disrespectful to receive a gift and then ask the person if they can take it back.” And I ran out of the house crying. My mom is literally my biggest support- so this was even more upsetting.

Now I’m sick and feel worn out. . It wasn’t worth it I guess, but I can only take so much. Unfortunately it was just a combination of being so sick off and on the past week and being disappointed with people. I’m not sure what I’ll do. Life can’t always be tailored so that I can completely manage bipolar disorder. This illness makes it hard for me to get upset and deal with it. I equate getting upset with mood swings- which is what happened today. I have to deal with it!

Julie

Later this evening: My mom called and apologized and explained that all she was thinking about was saving me money. I appreciated her apology. It meant a lot- she realized that I was upset and why- even if she had no intention of hurting me- the apology was still needed. At least I needed it!

Tiffany wrote a comment that anyone would be upset by the situation- and I agree. And most people would be able to talk to their mother without running out of the house crying. What worries me in these situation is when bipolar takes over. I will start crying and will have trouble stopping. I’ll then think that I may never see my mom again and what if this was my last memory. I worry that I will always be sick and overy sensitive. I am sure you see where I’m going here!

My emotions just feel so out of control sometimes. I hate it! Then I remind myself that it’s an illness. I can feel upset and still be ok. One thing is for sure- I get upset a lot less than I used to and for the most part I try to explain to the other person why I’m so over the top with my emotions.

Mothers are so important.

Julie

(thanks for the comment Tiffany- that was nice. )