Here is a post from last year when I was in a down swing. I hope it helps if you’re in a downswing today. Julie
I’ve been posting a lot to Facebook lately. I have a wonderful bipolar disorder community on my page and I find great solace, fun and a lot of joy from the posts. Here is a question from a reader and my answer.
” Julie, please help me. I feel like I can’t go on… How do you do it? .”
It took me many years to find the answer, but it’s simple- I understand and accept that the feeling that I can’t go on is just another symptom of bipolar disorder and it’s common when you’re in a down swing. It’s common after you have had a bad manic episode- it’s so common that I wrote two posts about shame just in the past week because I had to deal with it after being manic once again. When you feel like you can’t go on- the feeling is real. It does feel literally like you can’t go on, but you can. You have probably done it many times before. I believe that thinking that one day that feeling is going to stop is what gets us into trouble. Feeling that you can’t go on is a symptom just like feeling euphoric when you’re in a super good feeling up swing is a symptom. They are equal. One makes you feel like you can take on the world, the other makes you feel that you can’t handle another day. NEITHER IS REAL! Does that make sense? Just like we have to learn that chasing euphoric mania is not good for us, it’s equally not good for us to believe that we can’t go on.
I’m down tonight- which is the normal brain chemistry event that happens after a manic episode. I was manic yesterday and I’m down today. It makes sense as I have ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder two. I’m simply experiencing the illness. This is what makes me such a great writer and coach- I go through the mood swings just like everyone else. If you have written me and asked for advice- here it is.
EXPECT THE FEELING THAT YOU CAN’T GO ON AND HAVE A PLAN FOR IT.
My plan is to take my meds- reach out to dear and loving friends- I just texted my friend Karen and will call my friend Sherry right now because it’s what I need to do- believe me, it’s not what I want to do! And I have a favor. If you have had the feeling that you can’t go on, please leave your advice below for how you deal with it and move through it- remember, if you have bipolar disorder, it’s not going to disappear. It will return if triggered. But that is the ONE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS ILLNESS! It’s episodic- we can and usually do go back to baseline. I plan to. And darn it- no matter what, I will get out of this down swing in the next few hours by doing what I write about in my books. Helping others is what works for me. I’m interested to know what works for you and I know that all of the people who write me who are in pain would love your advice as well.
Julie
Please visit me on Facebook at Julie A. Fast
Hello Julie. I stumbled upon this website today because I was searching for answers about bi-polar disorder. While I haven’t been diagnosed yet, I’m almost positive it’s what I have. I even wrote down the manic and depressive symptoms I experience almost daily. I feel like a complete wack-a-doodle half the time, and I typically want to lock myself away because the irritability with people gets so out of hand I actually get angry for no good reason at all, which is not like me. Normally, I am an easy-going kind of person who’s also easy to talk to. I will be going into mental health on Monday to get help. I’ve been through counseling for depression and mood swings already, but I also have fibromylagia and was prescribed Cymbalta for the pain, which also triggered big time mania in me (after reading the symptoms about it). It wasn’t pretty. That’s all I’ll say about that here. My question is how do you find a good support group? When I say “good” I mean people who actually want to be there for you. I hate feeling like I have to hide things about how I’m feeling so I don’t interfere in other people’s lives. It’s exhausting trying to pretend everything is okay when it really isn’t. I only trust a handful of people as it is (kids and husband) when it comes to dealing with my crazy mood swings. Thanks for any help you are able to give. I’m just tired of feeling alone. Your article about feeling as though I can’t go on really hit it on the head with me. Maybe there is some hope after all that things will get better.
I’m glad I’ve found your site today. It is a down day for sure. I’ve been diagnosed for 8 months now and my medication works great! But as we know, it’s only a hand up and we still have to choose to live daily. Most days (on medication) I can choose well. But today it’s got me in bed. I choose similar things when I’m down, things I don’t want to do, but I know will help. I have friends I call or text, but days like this I choose to get on my phone and search out new solutions while purposely sending encouraging texts/messages to those I love. It makes this time feel less wasted. I know this will pass, but I’ve learned to fight when I can and rest in the acceptance that today I just don’t have it in me, so I must need rest. The piece that has helped is not doing it feeling defeated, but by defeating IT by using this time to find encouragement to give others, even though I’m the one in need of it. Somehow, it accomplishes both purposes 🙂 I’m determined to live well in spite of my illness and not let it define me! one.day.at.a.time. ~it doesn’t matter how slow you go, only that you don’t give up~
I went to the mental health clinic here, and yes, I do have bipolar II it seems. She put me on a mood stabilizer, but it’s a low dose to start, so it isn’t doing much of anything I noticed yet, but hopefully it will eventually help. This day has been a real down day, and I hate feeling like I am losing my mind. It really bites.
i am on exfexor right now….i have lost tract of the meds i had been put on and tried. i am at the i can’t go on stage now. the same pain everyday, the same money problems everyday. i have had suicidal thoughts, …..i don’t know what to do.
I’m sorry you are suffering so much Anne. 🙁 I hope you are able to get on a med that helps you better. I know how tough it is to have those kind of thoughts myself. I will keep you in my prayers. Have you tried Lamictal by any chance? Just curious? It seems to help me a little bit so far. I know how it is to be on meds that produce serious side effects too, and I feel for you there. I hope your doc will get it straightened out for you. God bless.
Hi Mandy,
I’m kind of like you were (I know I have it but not diagnosed). I thought for awhile I only had add and post partum depression that lasts a few years after each kid. But after this last pregnancy (which doctors called a miracle since I’m infertile-NOT-) it’s so bad that I can’t take care of my kids doctor appointments or grocery shopping etc. I have a 19 year old that has autism and depression and a list of other things, a 12 yr old with adhd and depression starting and now a little girl with all kinds of allergies and hyperactivity. So I HAVE to address myself so that I can help them.
You mentioned you’re trying lamictal and it seems to be helping. I really hope that when I they try that on me it works. Keep me (Us) posted on it. What dose did they start u out on?
I have so many other health issues that Ive been considered disabled for years by my state. So gaining weight is not an option. I’m already heavy from pregnancy of my 2 yr old that even 10lbs will cause too much pain. I’m already on pain killers every 6 hrs. I already have metabolic syndrome which most of the bipolar meds can cause. I’ve been on Prozac for years and sleep meds. So I have been putting off seeing a physciatrist and having to go through medication changes because I don’t do well with that. Soooo overwhelmingly.
Just found this site. Still can’t figure out how to find the “blog”
Anyway I’ll bookmark it to see how you do starting out on lamictal
Stephanie
Hello Stephanie,
I can tell you are overwhelmed, and trust me, I feel for you. I know how it is to go through post-partum depression, and my son has anxiety issues that can be pretty hard to deal with, but handling your own depression along with your kids’ medical issues has to be tough. I hope you are able to get in to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. You are so right that you need to be able to get help for yourself. I know how that feels too. I used to be a caregiver for a family member who was in the mid to last stages of Alzheimer’s disease, and taking care of her brought out so many feelings inside of me, guilt, shame for how I was feeling, anger, sadness, hope, and love. It was a big mess inside of me because she literally needed help with everything, and her family left me to take care of her pretty much. She had to be moved to a home eventually because we couldn’t care for her anymore. Both my husband and I have our own medical issues too.
To get to your question about if the Lamictal is helping me, I will give you some good news. It is literally the “best” medicine I have taken in my entire life for the bipolar issues I have. The anger/irritability and hyperness issues are pretty much gone (actually they are only triggered once in a while, but believe me, I NOTICE a difference). That part started on the earlier doses, which started at 12.5, then 25,and now I’m on 50 mgs. The doc wanted to be sure I didn’t have any kind of bad reactions since I’m sensitive to meds, and Lamictal can trigger a rash that is pretty bad if you don’t start out slowly and work your way up. It doesn’t happen to everyone though. It’s really rare from what I understand, and so far I haven’t had any side effects, which is amazing. The good thing is I started to notice a difference pretty early on. I feel like I can function again! As for the depression part, it got really bad before I was on the meds to the point that I couldn’t really function either. There were days where I layed in bed and couldn’t bring myself to get up unless I was going to eat, and I put on 20 lbs in 5 months from overeating and no activity, or I’d get up to go to the bathroom or take a quick shower when I had to. It was such a crazy cyle of ups and downs, I literally kept asking God to please help me cause I knew something was seriously wrong with me. As for weight gain since I started taking the Lamictal, I haven’t experienced any at all, and I started losing weight when I started feeling better since I’m up more now. It works much differently than a typical anti-depressant because it is in a class called a mood stabilizer. It’s specially designed for those with bi-polar to take. There are different forms of bi-polar too, so you really do need to see a psychiatrist to get properly diagnosed. I am blessed to have one who is great. She’s so knowledgeable about all that stuff.
I hope this helped. I would be glad to give you my regular e-mail address if you’d like someone to talk to. My email is set to receive new messages on here too. I understand the loneliness associated with depression/bi-polar as well as other painful conditions. Just know, there are people who will help you if you give them a chance, though I also understand the hesitation to ask on the days when things feel hopeless, but things CAN get better for you. Don’t give up on getting help okay. I will also pray for you and your family. Take care of yourself please. I don’t mean to sound too forward about that, but I just know how hard it is to go through it without any help from meds or docs. God bless.