Is this illness really REAL? I ask myself this all of the time.
I was diagnosed with ultra rapid cycling bipolar II with psychotic features in 1995. Now there is a diagnosis! I had my first hypomanic episode in 1980. So I have been living with bipolar disorder for all of my adult life. I’m 47 now. You would think that I would be used to it. I’m not. It always shocks me when I get really sick. The mood swings are just so odd. They can be so random and simply stupid- I can get psychotic just because someone is rude to me in public? That is crazy! I have an argument with my brother and I get in my car and cry so hard I can’t drive? I go out and have fun and meet someone attractive and I get OCD so badly I never call the person again?
How about the depression that comes from change? It can even be good change such as getting a book deal. Or how about the hypomania that starts simply because the sun comes out?
It’s hard to get used to this. I’ve done all that I can possibly do to manage this illness. It’s all in my books- It’s all written down in my Health Cards. I’m the expert! But bipolar could care less and it treats me just the same as if I were just diagnosed. I accept the diagnosis because I have no choice- but getting used to it has not been so easy! I’m so thankful I have a treatment plan that works or life would be really hard. I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone if you find this illness incredibly confusing.
IT IS CONFUSING!
Julie
This has been a particularly difficult fall and winter for my daughter and our family. Bipolar likes to say “don’t get too comfortable”. Grrrrrrr!!!!
I stop trying to follow and keep track of the episodes of my 12 year old. We just live it for the moment and know that it will change. Seasons are not just 4 times a year. They can be every 30 minutes.
Where do you find hope?
Hi,
I never have hope when I’m depressed. No one really does. I have taught myself to live with the feeelings while I work on getting better. In other words, I can be in the deepest mood swing, but there is a part of me that remembers that it’s depression and not real.
I have a plan in place to create hope. I first make sure my relationships are good so that I can call someone or just be with someone when I’m down. This is not always possible, but I set it up as much as I can ahead of time.
I have my Health Cards that I have memorized- you can read about them on the books part of the menu bar- but most importantly, I use my strategies to get things done when I’m sick. I use them all day – and even at night if I wake up depressed. It’s all about having a plan- that creates hope.
Hopeless is normal for us- but it doesn’t have to take over or lives or kill us- we are hopeful- bipolar is the problem.
Have hope! Create hope! Just keep going and it will get better.
julie
Hey Juile,
I have just understood BPD 2 days back and it helped me understand my irrational behavior for all those years. But, I want to confirm before I start medication. Would you be able to suggest any test for same.
Anyhow, You are doing wonderful job for humanity, remember my words when you are low or other side of mood.
It certainly does get bizarre. This morning I was suicidal (investigating methods online) along with severe emotional pain and this afternoon and evening I’m fine, albeit a little irritable. I could actually feel the mood lifting. It always makes me say to myself, “what was that all about”?
I used to say I was wobbly when my moods kept flipping. Now I call it bouncing.I’m bouncing around a lot these days, but I’ve had a lot of stable times in my life. It’s hard to imagine stability, when I feel like the real me. Recently, however, I have had some glimpses. I don’t notice it for a while, but all of a sudden I realize that thoughts are just free floating in my mind and I feel “normal”. Then I can bounce right up to super happy, i.e. hypo-mania. It feels great, but I know it can be dangerous. In a split second I can be angry, start to sob, or get so agitated I don’t know what to do, i.e. mixed episode. There is nothing constant but change. Isn’t that totally true? It’s a phrase I like, and when I use it and someone doesn’t know I have bipolar disorder I’m thinking,”You have no idea!” The biggest reason I like the phrase is that through all the horrible symptoms I can remember that it will change, and I’ll be better because whatever bad mood is plaguing me it always feels like it will never change. It literally feels like I’ve always been that way and always will be even though I remember being better. It’s like my mind is fooling me. One thing I know for sure is that I’m really tired of all that bouncing around in my brain. I’m getting a headache!