My mom and I are very close. I see her every day. She and my nephew are the reasons I live in Portland, Oregon. This morning I called her from the place I watch football and asked her to bring me some cash as I forgot mine at home. I told her the story of how I spent five dollars to help a guy with schizophrenia buy some food. He got a grapefruit, a lime, a small pear and some espresso bean chocolate.
After I told her this, she said, “Are you manic Julie! You do this when you’re manic!” I said, “AM I MANIC!” and she said, “You always say you’re not manic when you’re manic.” I got very upset. Not because of what she was saying. We use my Health Cards treatment plan together and she is always supposed to tell me when she thinks I’m manic. I got upset because I am very far from manic. For the past few days I’ve been profoundly depressed. I was up for a few days than a few of semi stability and then I felt the depression creeping in. So I did what I always do- I get out the ideas in Get it Done When You’re Depressed and I use them. All day- every minute of the day. This means it’s hard for people to tell I’m depressed. I believe in acting as if I am well and getting on with my life.
My mom is my greatest support, but I simply can’t burden her with this illness all of the time. I keep a lot from her- because telling her that I’m depressed and worried and having trouble working is pointless- because I am in that mood off and on for a large portion of my days. I just work through it. I have other people to talk to. But overall, I believe that it’s up to me to use my management plan so that I can have normal relationships- and I have succeeded in this and it’s hard.
I said to my mom, “I know you are helping me and I know you see the signs of mania- but what you are actually seeing is my trying hard not to let the depression take over my day. I’m going to get out of this today and have a good day- so I am cheerful and active. That is how I get better. :
She said, “But you have to tell me when you’re sick- I want to know. How can I know how to help you if you don’t tell me how depressed you are? ”
I said, “Because what helps me the most is going to your house and seeing the beautiful backyard and Cookie and hanging out. That is what helps me.”
So, dear readers. As you can see- this is hard on all sides. But I stick to my plan of always doing my best to manage this illness first and then asking for help when I need it. Otherwise, I would overwhelm too many people. It’s a balance. I think she understands.
Right now I am doing well. I am watching football and the weather is nice. I may even see my brother this afternoon. I believe I am the keeper of my wellness if that makes sense. My motto is treat bipolar first, and then I can go out into the world and get help when I need it! This is how I get so much done and have a life that is not always controlled by bipolar disorder. It is possible.
Julie
Julie, just to say a big thank you for all your work. Your books helped me to come to terms with this illness, and keep on helping me to deal with it. You are an inspiration. When there was little other help or care your words and spirit came over the internet and kept me going. It is such a relief to know that I am not the only one dealing with this – that there are others, and as you say, the symptoms and behaviours are the illness, not the person. Whenever I feel like the plot is being lost, I turn to your blog. You are many miles away, but your strength carries across the world, and give me hope. THANK YOU!
I understand what your saying Julie even though i havent been properly diagnosed as yet i get those manic moment.Its hard to explain in moment when have a drive help this person be there for them or do something out of the ordinary.I too get upset when i hear someone say your losing weight you always have such nice shape or snap out of it youll be ok.What had me super made was few months back a person who i really cared about and didnt understnad what am going through said its a cycle with you one minite your alright the next you do same thing again are going mad.I was so pissed cause he never really realized why i acted the way i did sometimes or talked forever at times.I hardly did at times either.It was just chalked down to him telling me he was tired and couldnt take the talking no more.It was hard for me i think thats why my depression kick back in and i realized that am most likely bipolar after all these years of ups and downs.
I sometimes catch myself writing him a email or fb to vent all that bothered and things i didnt say.It heard i got to the point i didnt know what was real with us or what i was suppose feel i just knew i loved him and i was saying goodbye.Its like he pointed out me your all over the place and so bubbbly sometimes.there times though i look say half things did was because i was manic he’s alway in Jamaica how did i end up on this emotional rollercoaster i truly try search myself and just decide am leaving all alone.I finally took myself to support group becuase i realize i cant talk to everyone about what am going through.As you said Julie you dont want to burden or put too much on a person you care for,so i start therapy this week and have hope for a better outcome.
Thanks Julie reading your blog and bpmagazine has helped me to get through past few months.Ive been depressed and between hysteria guess proper would is mania for months now mainly just depressed.I kept saying everythings passing me by but i realized before i was passing everything by and giving way too much of me and i need time to heal.Its hard its been months since i spoke to this guy i really cared about but the communication wasnt so good and never really knew how explain how i was feeling.In end its bout getting me to healing point and getting better its not about him or past actions.Its about moving forward and am really trying to have the strength to do that.
I would like to share a poem i wrote a few years back at school after listening to this guy speak on bp.I didnt ever think i would be faced with similar fate years later at 24.
He inherited this affliction
a constant tug-of-war
of voices compelling him to tighten the noose around these toxic thoughts
so he hitched a plan to calm these whispers
to take a dive a top this fair haired viaduct(golden gate bridge for those who wonder)
lights flashed away in a blink of an eyeball
leaving behind unmoving images in time
surly if someone said something he’d change his mind
perhaps this was the moment
when a lady in her thick Indian accented English smiled at him asking him to take her picture instead
he did her bid
then changed his mind but it was too late
for you see he’d already leaped
plunging 220 feet below
into streaming steep water he fell
broken and in pain he tried to swim
begging and praying that he’d live
a sea held him safe
or god had a plan for him that day
now reaching out to others at battle with their own war
learning from his ordeal
I guess in away am learning from others similar experiences and hopfully i can one day reach out and help others as well.Thank you for sharing your experinces with us.It helps alot to know theres other people who understand after years of knowing something was wrong but not always seeing or knowing what it was.
Hi Tami,
I have been through similar experiences becuase of my moods. This is why I am glad I have a diagnosis. I remember writing in my journal- “Why did I act that way around that guy? That is not how I am- what is wrong with me!” The answer was bipolar mania. I can manage it a lot better now- I think you would like my book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder- it will help you decide what symptoms you do have and how you can manage the moodswings effectively. You don’t need a bipolar diagnosis to get a lot from it. 🙂
Realizing your behavior is so difficult- it’s admirable that you are able to see how your behaivor affects others. That’s a great start!
Julie
Hi Marigold,
Thank you very much for your kind comments. They mean a lot. I often don’t know who is reading and where they are- but I know the blog helps people all over the world- but it is nice to hear it in writing! I enjoy writing the blog- it helps me realize what is happening in my life and how I can manage the illness effectively every day.
Thanks again! julie
So glad I discovered your book(s) on Amazon after 6-7 years of “dabbling” with being diagnosed bipolar, going on/off medication all the while flailing through the persistent dismantling of my life and that of my family’s.
I am *hoping* that your very easy to embrace writings may give me the encouragement to stick with the medication for the long haul.
Two years separated from my family, and sporadically fairly (financially) productive (chaos aside), no one would believe the 24 hour endurance contest trying to dodge the depression (or the side effects of Lamictal) has reduced my life to.
Friends and family all think I’m off in my own universe having a selfishly good time, if only they knew I am mentally caught in the headlights, waiting for the occasional moment of clarity to appear and enable me to squeak out some work (this note included).
Will keep reading… Thank you very much for the encouragement.
Yesterday I was in a deep fog of depression and had your book out on the table. I reached over not expecting anything to really help, and the next chapter was called FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. Seeing that saying it out loud is different than thinking it, I said it out loud, a few times, and each time I felt more focused! I ended up getting off the sofa and started to work on a sewing project I had out but had no energy or desire to work on. Thank you Julie.
Hi Lyn,
Thanks for your comments. I am always amazed to hear from others and see how we all go through the same things. Bipolar makes you feel you are the loneliest person on earth and that no one could possibly understand what you go through. Obviously that’s not true. We all have the same symptoms. Lynn, I am SO glad that Get it Done When You’re Depressed helped. I’ve had many people tell me they have the book by their bed. Believe it or not, I was at my favorite karaoke place a few months ago and a guy said to me when we met. “You,re Julie Fast? I have your book on my table at home. I always read it and show it to people!” That makes me feel great- what people may not know is that I use the stuff in Get it Done just as much as anyone. Focus, Focus, Focus is a good one- this week has definitely been one for- Put Yourself in a Place You Can Work. That helps a lot. My whole goal is to help people get things done despite having this illness. Getting off the sofa is a huge accomplishment- because I know that getting up can be so incredibly hard- but once we do it, things can only get better. You’re stronger than bipolar!Julie
Hi Allen,
It sounds like we have the same life. It’s a constant struggle to keep going, but we keep going. It’s sporadic, but better than doing nothing. I do think people can understand more if you tell them what’s happening. I am learning to tell people that I’m sick. I’m very good at doing what I call ‘acting as if’ and it keeps me out there so that I’m not at home a crying mess- or traveling the world a manic mess! I think that Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder would really help your friends and family. It’s so easy to read. That will help them understand you more. You are also a very good writer. I imagine that figures into some of your work? It can take years to get a handle on this illness, but you’re on the way. That is what matters. Julie
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