A confession. As some of you know, I had a biking accident in 2012 where I severely injured by back and hip. Rehab has been rough to say the least, but I’m doing it. What I haven’t shared much as I am still processing the information is that I also experienced a traumatic right brain injury during the crash. It’s called a TBI. I can fill a book with all of the terrible things I have experienced due to the crash, but I would rather share some of the magical experiences that were a result of my concussion….especially…..
Poetry.
I have always been a writer and I can basically rhyme anything, but poetry has never been my talent. After the injury, the poetry flowed out of me in a torrent. I had to scrabble for paper and pen to capture the events that were happening in my head. Many of the words that come up are not real words. They simply rhyme. I just leave them as they are.
I thought I was simply going through a creative renaissance as I have written so much for so many years, but this is not a regular experience and I am researching the phenomenon and learning from it.
Straight Jacket
What was it like
To be obstructed?
When your body
Deconstructed?
Your mind over bucketed?
Your being ruck sucked and destructed?
To be confined
As your mind
Lept forward
It must have been horrid
Limbs held morbid
A life truly thwarted.
I can’t see if the poetry is good or self indulgent. I can’t tell what the public will think, but I can’t stop writing.
It’s not the same thing as mania.
Mania is rarely fully formed for me. I am OVERLY creative. I don’t finish much of what I start when I’m manic. The poetry that will be in my next book Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis and Depression comes out fully formed. Of course it needs a bit of editing, but it’s complete. This is an amazing experience for a writer.
Trying to distinguish the difference between my bipolar disorder symptoms and this brain injury has been difficult. I have charted my moods for 20 years and this helps a lot. I am researching the role TBIs have on anxiety as my main symptom after the accident has been severe anxiety around work. My depression and mania have not increased at all.
I wanted to share this in the spirit of growth. As we learn more about our brains, we learn how to help ourselves and those we love. How many of us with bipolar disorder also experience concussions and confuse our symptoms?
I should also add the that I had 13 bilateral ECT treatments in 2010 that further complicate the issue.
I have never seen and will never see bipolar disorder as a gift. It has been destructive for me. This brain injury could have been the same, and yet it opened up a new world. Maybe people who see bipolar disorder as a gift do have positive experiences from the illness. My poetry experience has reminded me that we learn from our mishaps in many different ways.
Julie
