bipolar disorder and depression ….

I’m so sick tonight.  

This is what I wrote in my journal last night when I tracked my mood. I’ve tracked my moods every night for over four years. It is an amazing tool. Usually, I can tell by looking at a month of data what was helping and hurting the bipolar. These last few months have not been as obvious. I’ve just had so much depression that doesn’t seem related to any event. It’s causing events!  When this happens, I try to look deeper into what my be exacerbating the depression.  1. I know it’s bipolar disorder. It’s al illness. There is nothing wrong with me.  2. I’m very upset and worried about my brother. I’m once again to the point of not spending time with him due to his moods. He’s a wonderful man, but he won’t get help for his mood swings. (Yes, I write the books- he doesn’t read them!)  3. I worry about my mom becauase she is worried about my brother!  4. I’m very stuuupidlly reading a very good, but way too depressing Japanese crime novel. Now Julie, this is just dumb.  5. My work is unfocused.  6. I’m often lonely because I’m single- yes, I made the decision to stay single this year in order to work without being PSYCHOTIC! but it’s hard.  wait…. is this list never going to end! It helps to write this as I see these are all normal things. As I say in my newsletter below- I just feel them more than people without bipolar. These everyday occurrences make me wake up crying.  They cause a despair and gloom that sits on me like a dark fog.  I have an illness. I can deal with my real life the way a normal person would- I have to deal with the repercussions of my normal life with it’s normal problems by treating bipolar disorder separately. I will look at that list all day today and make the changes needed to get rid of this awful depression. I can go to bed feeling better than I do right now.  gosh! I wrote a novel! I try to keep these things short!  Julie