I always get confused between what I feel is the normal me and the hypomanic me. I have found that I tend to guess a bit on the high side- in other words- the slightly hypomanic me feels normal, but of course it’s not. I spent 15 years chasing the normal me and it turned out to be the hypomanic me!
My normal self is actually pretty calm.
How about you? Do you chase mania? It’s easy to do. No one in the world would ever wish for depression. It’s ok to want to chase mania. Actually letting yourself do it is the problem!
Julie
I sometimes think I “overthink” my moods while on the look-out for mania. If I sing along with a song on the radio or find myself smiling for no apparent reason – I am fearful of mania. So I actually think that I miss out on happy moods as I am always on guard for mania. I wish I could just relax more and enjoy a happy mood once in a while but I have not found the balance yet.
hi Deb,
I completely understand that! For me, it’s ‘oh, there is no way I’m manic!” Which always means I am! 🙂
Julie
not related to the post but i have been throwing up my bi polar pills i take 9 of them altogether, so i havent taken them in 2 days well i think i hit a mania, i wa sup cleaning from 2-5 am this morning and i only slept an hour.
hi Danielle,
I’m glad you wrote. This blog is a good place to get things out to the public when you feel there is no one to talk to.
I am sure you know what I’m going to say. If you’re throwing up your meds there are a few things going on- first, they are not getting in your system. This can lead to mood swings of course, but another problem is that your body could be shocked into withdrawal- that is what happens to me if I even miss one day of my Lamictal! Stopping meds quickly can put you in a mania, but to be honest, it may be the mania that is causing the problem.
It’s the chicken and the egg. If you’re having the same problem today, it’s time to call your health care professional. These are strong drugs- especially when you’re on a cocktail. It’s essential you don’t miss another day of the meds. I have a friend with bipolar I who also throws up a lot when she’s manic- so this is not totally uncommon. You sent this comment, so you know something is going on. It’s super important you get professional help so that you don’t get too sick. Julie
I probably chase mania too, but I can never seem to find the balance. On top of dealing with hypomania, I am also borderline anemic…so when I am not trying to overdo it on having so much energy…I don’t seem to have enough!!! Yep, I’m taking iron supplements, and it’s helping a little, but I think this may be something I will always struggle with…just finding an maintaining dthat balance.
I’ve never figured out why the diagnosis of “hypomania” is a problem… it seems like a good thing all around. There’s nothing wrong with chasing hypomania. In fact if you can live your life, or most of your life, in that state, then more power to you.
Mania, on the other hand, is just destructive.
Hi David,
You bring up a great point- it does seem that hypomania would be a good thing. One of the main problems is that though it may start off as a good thing if you have euphoric mania- it often takes over a person’s life in a negative way. I had a three month hypomanic episode in 1987 that did not end well- I was high for three months. I got married after knowing someone for one week. Many people with this kind of hypomania drink and do drugs, rarely sleep, make very dangerous decisions, upset their families, leave their jobs, travel without thinking and spend money like crazy. It can actually be very destructive- the problem is that the person with the hypomania feels so good, they can ‘t see the destruction. Then, most people go down after a hypomania. Unless you have a form of the illness where you’re mostly manic- the saying ‘what goes up most come down’ is applicable here.
I do love hypomania- I really do- but only at the beginning. This is why I never let mine go too far- I always go way down once it’s over!
Then there is dysphoric hypomania- that’s agitated mild mania that can be mixed with depression. It’s so uncomfortable and often at just a low enough level that you can do a lot of damage to relationships because you’re so darn unpleasant to be around. Sleep is also a problem here.
I guess that hypomania is like being on a drug. We all know that people originally take drugs to feel better- and hypomania sure does feel good after a downswing- this is why I want to chase it, but I don’t. I am more creative, expansive, outgoing, fun and wild when I’m hypomanic- to the point that I used to make a lot of mistakes- I don’t do that anymore. Now I have to accept that the hypomania is not good for me!
I think that one of the most confusing things is that people with hypomania don’t have psychosis- which is often what makes full blown mania so awful- and they are just high enough to cause problems, but not quite out of it enough to need treatment. This is a great comment, so I’m going to put it on the blog.
Julie
Hi Julie,
David is right on! I’ll suffer the blackest hell from low swings if I can get back on top of the world. I LOVE MANIA! I rely on it. If I can get some mania love, I can Superman through a week’s work in 2-3 days and I need to, for when the blackness arrives and I truly must die, I can’t work. I’ve always been this way. Were you a Navy brat? I went to Yo-Hi on the Yokosuka Navy Base and missed so many days, that if I missed one more, I couldn’t graduate. I am what I am. I could Superman three days a week and then wish for death the rest. I was lucky. My grades were good and I graduated a Shogun (if you went to Yo-Hi you know it’s an honor). MANIA!!! It makes me charming, witty, sophisticated, the envy of all and the life of the party. My humor is the funniest, I’m taller, better looking, not balding, blue-eyed, svelt and oh-so rich that I’m buying drinks for all! Ladies want me, the men want to be me. I’m a subject matter expert on everything, a conversationalist par excellence (just try to get a word in!) Kryptonite can’t keep me down. (But klanopin will render me a drooling zombie).
The drink money is our mortgage payment and food budget for the month. My jokes alternate between embarassingly stupid and profoundly offensive. Women find me creepy, the men — annoying or voted most likely to be punched in the face. I speak with authority about subjects of which I know nothing and my conversation? An auctioneer after five espressos. I’m a horse’s ass and beyond an embarrasment to my wife. But what do I care? I’m in the Disneyland of my mind.
My wife — she’s the greatest in all the land, of all time, but how many times can you say your sorry for putting her through the wringer, embarrassing her in front her & our friends, my business associates, neighbors (some of whom have had enough and pretend I’m not here), parishnors, both of our families and strangers?
I am so incredibly sorry, I wish I wasn’t this beast. Up and away as the jackass, or down, weepy and pathetic. What a husband, what a man. The beleief in sincerity is finite and I’ve long since drained the resovior of goodwill. I alternate between trying to determine how to refill a bit, even just a drop or two and getting up the will to see if there’s mania in the afterlife. (She took away my gun and locked it in a safe, so now I’ll have to get creative 😉
Long story short, I love your book, “Loving Someone with Bipolar.” I hope it helps my wife to understand me better, I guess. Years of being either Superman or the living dead put her through hell. I don’t know that understanding me will help. I don’t understand computers, but I know when they work and when it’s time get a new one. I know not what to do, perhaps pray that she becomes less intelligent?
I love this post because it is so REAL. I hope you can find a way to deal with the mania Pete- and I know that Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder will help 100%. It was created so that you can work on it together. Of course we won’t listen to anything when we’re really manic- but the program really works between Superman and the living dead.
Thanks for this post- I know it will resonate with many, many people.
I have also posted it as a blog post as I want a lot of readers to see it.
Julie
I really over think all my moods. I feel like I’m on a constant mood tracker. I don’t know what normal is any more. I know it’s not what I usually feel. One thing I do know is that I never have full blown mania. Once moods get covered up with meds, it’s sometimes hard to distinguish what is what!!
This is all quite new to me…I’ve just ordered the health cards system and I am looking forward to receiving them….
One of the ways I can tell if I am getting manic ( or already there) is to look at my physical environment…if my room looks like a tornado hit it then I start to suspect that something is wrong….
When I am ‘normal’ I have a feeling of control over my environment and my life that is more fulfilling than any good mood.