I know, it’s darn hard to hide depression sometimes- but you have to learn to do it. Here’s a journal entry from a few years ago.
I am in Michigan visiting my dad. My nephew is here. I’ve had a wonderful time in many ways. Unfortunately, yesterday was not so wonderful depression wise as I was down for most of the day. In the past, that would have affected my behavior- which means I would be a downer for the people around me.
I don’t allow that any more. I was able to function- have some fun- eat a great meal- play dominoes with my dad and nephew- even when the thoughts were raging. I just have to let them sit there in the background like the demons they are. I hate this illness so much, but I’ve learned that I don’t have to feel good in order to have a good time. I acted like I was ok- and now I have a good memory of our time hanging out instead of the feeling of loss I would have had if I had acted depressed.
Depression is selfish- it wants to be the center of attention. That is our reality. I get jealous when I see others who have lives free of depression. I wish- with all of my heart that I could be like them. I’m not- that’s for sure- but I can act like them when needed. It helps me feel a lot better as well.
Julie
I just received this comment from April:
When I first start feeling bad, I really try to fight it and I try to put on a bright smile on my face and maintain a positive attitude, while saving the crying spells for the car. Now, I go to the psychiatrist for a med change or adjustment. If I keep hiding behind smiles while depression takes over I get severely suicidal and end up in hospitaL. This is something I am trying to avoid. As I get older,the depression gets worse and worse. Be sureeyou get help right away. I am so sick and tired of this disease.
My reply:
Hi April,
Thank you for your comment. I realize I was not clear enough in my post. I was talking about mild to moderate depression. I agree that if it’s serious, you cannot just hide it and get on. I am talking about the kind where everything just seems worthless and awful- and you feel your life is pointless, but are still functioning. I am glad you made the distinction. If I am crying a lot or get catatonic, I know something has triggered it or my meds are off and just acting like I’m ok is not enough! I am sick and very tired of bipolar as well, but it can be managed!
Julie
I know that I try to hide it too. Sometimes pretending to feel happy does make me feel a bit better. Laughing helps 🙂 Paradoxically, sometimes telling someone that I’m depressed also helps, but it’s important not to dwell on it.
The good news is that it usually does go away. I hope that it goes away soon for you. I wish I was never depressed and I treasure the days when I feel normal. I think you will have normal feeling days soon too 🙂
HB
When I first start feeling bad, I really try to fight it and I try to put on a bright smile on my face and maintain a positive attitude, while saving the crying spells for the car. Now, I go to the psychiatrist for a med change or adjustment. If I keep hiding behind smiles while depression takes over I get severely suicidal and end up in hospitaL. This is something I am trying to avoid. As I get older,the depression gets worse and worse. Be sureeyou get help right away. I am so sick and tired of this disease.
Hi April,
Thank you for your comment. I realize I was not clear enough in my post. I was talking about mild to moderate depression. I agree that if it’s serious, you cannot just hide it and get on. I am talking about the kind where everything just seems worthless and awful- and you feel your life is pointless, but are still functioning. I am glad you made the distinction. If I am crying a lot or get catatonic, I know something has triggered it or my meds are off.
Julie
I mostly try to hide it on the weekends when I’m with my boyfriend because that’s the only time I’m able to see him. He knows I have bipolar disorder, I don’t hide that from him, I just don’t want to waste my time feeling bad. For the most part I’m able to hide it, once in a while it just gets too bad. Fortunately, he’s very understanding.
Thanks Julie. Have you heard of anyone who actually gets remission from this disorder? BPD has ruined my life. I am a well educated professional who cannot keep a job, I am 52 years old and now living with my parents and I am over $30,000 in debt. My children are 20 and 23–the only thing which keeps me alive. I would try anything to get off this roller coaster.
I use trazadone for sleep–without it I sometimes go without any sleep for a few days. Good luck.
Julie,
Anxiety, depression, obessions, compulsions……you have to talk to them. Once you have awareness that these are these culprits in your life, the only way to deal with them is to take control of them before they take control of you. The instant any of these arise one needs to recognize it and do the opposite. I have to work on this all of the time, because I have all of these and I forgot to mention mania. My son is also afflicted with this disease. I am not in my third recurrence of breast cancer and because I have had this disease, it makes dealing with cancer easier, because the mental disease is maybe worst than cancer and we know it can kill you as well. It is evident from the suicides that come out of depression. It is ironic, but my compulsion gave me the urgency to write this to you.
Thank you for what you do to help others….you are right on target with this. But I do know that once you are out of control of the above symptoms, it will take over and it is too late for you to talk to it. It must be recognized and done quick as possible.
Carolyn
Julie I didn’t know where this question should go, so I am piggybacking on this post. Please forgive me, since I know it is misplaced. My question is this: How do you handle it, What do you say to yourself, what do you DO – when you just get so tired of all the work it takes to manage your disease. In addition to dealing w/ depression, I also deal with compulsive overeating and bulimia. Through working w/ a 12 Step program I have made enormous progress- releasing nearly 160 lbs, but even though I have had almost miraculous benefits and changes… sometimes just the sheer amount of work required is wearisome and a reminder that I never have been and never will be like what I call “normies”. Have you ever gotten just plain tired, how do you deal w/ it?
Oh yes, I am often simply worn out from managing the illness 24 hours a day, but that is what I must do in order to stay alive and kicking! When things are tough, I actually picture my books and what they say. They were written by the well me to the sick me, so I always find something that works- even when I’m suicidal and despondent. The table of contents for Get it Done When You’re Depressed is easy to visualize. I just close my eyes and say – Alright Julie, you have been through this before, just keep going.
I am constantly in search of ways to make life easier. Having bipolar is so hard. I will never stop until I find better ways to manage the illness, but yes, it’s tiring! My advice is to remind yourself of the what it would be like if you didn’t work on management daily- that is what keeps me going.
I am unbelievably impressed with your weight loss. It’s amazing. You are an inspiration. Julie
Julie
Hi, first of all- congrats on the weight loss. That is unbelievable- just amazing. If you can do that, you can do anything! I have eating problems as well and it’s a struggle to manage my weight. I wish I didn’t have to deal with it along with the bipolar! But I have gotten better and I am thinner than I used to be.
I definitely get tired, upset, angry and frustrated at all of the work it takes to manage this illness. I can’t lead the life I want to- if I want to get up and leave the country one day- I can’t- if I want to date a cute guy- take on a new job or say yes to something that might be stressful- I can’t. I have to think of everything I do in terms of how it will affect the bipolar disorder- and that is simply the reality of my life. I got much healthier when I accepted this. I don’t drink- party all night- smoke pot- or hang out with troublesome people. It’s not worth the mood swings! So yes, I get tired of having to manage the illness daily- but it’s much better than the alternative of being sick all of the time. It’s a trade off. I chose management and peace. The day I created the Health Cards is the day I changed forever- now I just have to work hard top maintain the change. Julie
How do you know the people you are jealous of for not having their lives affected by depression really are just good at hiding it?
I saw a comment somewhere and I wish that I could quote it word for word….it was something to the effect of, “I’m not well, I’m just a damn good actress” I thought it was one of the best comments made about living with Bipolar. I’ve known for years something wasn’t right with me. I just pretended that everything was fine and that I was the same person I had always been. The pretending was ok and I do it now still. Only problem is now that I am diagnosed and looking at treatment and trying to talk with my family for support. I get the , “No, your fine” thing from them because I never told them what I was really going through. Very hard to get support or even have people believe you are sick if you haven’t filled them in along the way. Kind of a rock and a hard place. You want them to know some but not all.
I am just now coming to terms with this diagnosis. My mother was institutionalized for most of my youth with it and I have steadfastly tried to remain in denial while my life has fallen apart around me.
I have been on Cymbalta for several months and thought it was getting better. I did the pretending all was well as best I could but it’s not working. I can manage for days and then seem to have these freak outs or obsessive behaviors that I can’t control. I’m glad I found this site….might be nice to get some support.
Hi Brandy,
It is so frustrating to do well and then have to go through it all over again. It’s the nature of the illness. It helps to have a treatment plan you use every day- that is what keeps me functioning so well. I am still sick due to the fact that I have a genetic illness- but I stay alive with friends and work- that is a miracle! I hope the same for you.
Julie
I Totally I get what you’re saying here Julie, that whole ‘fake it til you make it’ thing is a proven technique for many people.
Its especially good to do on those days where you “just can’t be arsed” as I like to call them! I try to do this when I have those moments in the day. Most of the time it sure does work! Its amazing what a positive attitude can overcome!
Another thing to do is a “quick cry” so I’ll seriously get out my kitchen timer, put it on 10 minutes have a good cry and snivel somewhere with my tissues but I have that cut-off moment, so when that 10 minutes is up and the timer rings I’ll say to myself OK, THATS IT, you’re literally DONE crying then its done and you can get on with other things.
(its something I read online ages ago to, but cannot for the life of me find where!)
Julie,
My son just had a baby and wants me to fly to the south to see the baby. The length of flight, rudeness of airline employees and extra hidden costs for luggage and food is depressing me. I don’t like the south and depokte does not seem to curb depression in summer. The length of the flight is horrendous. I told my son I am not coming and he says he is sorry I am not feeling well and will make plans. I always try not to inconvenience the few people who are in my life but I have to draw the line here. I am tears over not being heard.
Hi Everyone,
Please send your tips to Karen. I know you can help. Julie
certainly like your web-site however you need to take a look at the
spelling on quite a few of your posts. A number of them are
rife with spelling problems and I to find it very troublesome to tell the truth then again I’ll certainly come back
again.
Hello Ladonna, I have an automatic spell check and try to check all of my spelling first, but maybe it’s not working! I will talk with my webmaster. Thanks for pointing it out. Bad spelling is so uncool! Julie
I’ve been going through some heavy depression for the past 10 years I’m 26 now and it seems to be worst on most days I usually just go about my day acting like nothing is wrong if anyone was to ask my friends they’d say I’m one of the most optimistic people ever I don’t like people to know how I am feeling I’m not entirely sure why but when the depression and anxiety gets real bad I turn to drinking or just shut out everyone completely and turning my phone off I’m not to sure as to handle this my family doesn’t understand and thinks I need to stop feeling this way but it’s not that easy I lose a lot of sleep over it and recently my medicine doesn’t seem to be helping much anymore.