I long for mania. When the depression is raging, I have these thoughts:
- I will take an SSRI anti depressant just a few times. It will get me out of this depression and at least I won’t feel dead all of the time! (Many doctors do this with depressed clients. It’s not safe. If your doc knows you have bipolar and is prescribing an SSRI anti depressant, please talk openly with this doctor about mania. SSRI anti depressants are NOT a treatment for bipolar depression.)
- There are plenty of substances that will pop me into mania. I will be careful. I will only use them until the depression is gone.
- Oh, I am finally feeling a bit of energy! I need to take advantage of it and get all of my work done in one night! I have missed so much work because of my depression!
The thoughts are realistic. Bipolar depression is horrible. Euphoric mania is better right? Our skin looks better. Our eyes are wide open to the world! We are ready for anything! We don’t eat! We can drink more and party! It’s easy to meet people!
Please oh please let me live in the mania world!
This is the thinking that ruined my life and almost got me killed in 2010.
Stability isn’t a chess game. It’s not a strategy between no depression and just enough mania to get us through the day.
Stability means staying no to depression and with equal intensity, saying no to mania!
When we scratch the manic itch, we ultimately create more depression.
Depression and mania are two sides of the same bipolar coin. We don’t get one without the other. Courting mania, giving in to manic feelings and thinking that mania is BETTER than depression is a slippery slope. It never works.
Never.
Stability means doing all you can to manage depression and then stopping what you are doing if the mania starts to show up. It means NO SSRI anti depressants. No cocaine or meth to just end that depressed feeling. It means taking sleep meds when you start to get manic and saying no to the wild and wonderful feelings that mania brings at the beginning.
My depression has been relentless for months. I can feel my mind slip into the manic thinking that got me into so much trouble in the past.
I have to be an adult. I need to manage my depression, but courting mania is not managing depression. It’s creating more bipolar disorder mood swings in my future.
