Many people are encouraged to get in touch with their feelings and let go and experience life! I think that’s great- for most people. But there are those of us who can’t trust our feelings at all. For example, a friend and I went to karaoke the other night when I was really depressed – When her other friends came in, I felt she was ignoring me. My mind started to foresee the end of our relationship! It said, “How can she do this to me! What kind of friend is she! I am just going to leave without even saying goodbye! That will show her!”
Oh, what on earth was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking- I was just in all bipolar emotion mode and had no command of the facts. I know that my feelings when I’m sick are manufactured from an ill brain- and these were definitely manufactured feelings. Understanding this has completely saved my relationships.
As I sat there, with my feet up in the chair in front of me and my arms crossed over my chest like a petulant child- I looked at her back and just felt so left out and hurt. Then I got my perspective and said to myself, “Julie, this person has been a loyal, loving and kind friend to you for years. She is always there for you. She loves you. And the one night in the past few years that you go out and she pays attention to someone else- you freak out. You’re depressed tonight. You’re lonely. If she had this behavior on another night, you would simply go over there and sit with her instead of rolling in your miserable feelings over here. Now snap out of it! You promised yourself, you will never, ever take out your bipolar disorder emotions on a friend. If you have trouble with her behavior outside of bipolar, look at the facts and how you really feel and go from there. But if this is just because you’re depressed- then it’s up to you to treat her with the respect she deserves.”
I put my feet down, uncrossed my arms, walked the one foot to her chair, put my hand on her shoulder and sat down. She was happy to see me and we had a laugh when I told her what I was thinking.
Julie
