1. It’s hard to get out of bed when you don’t have anyone to see or anywhere to go. Get out and find some fun even if it feels like you can’t.
2. A bad relationship will make you sick. (This means relationships that make you feel bad. We have all had them!)
3. Messing around with your sleep patterns can be disastrous. Pick a schedule and stick to it. Good sleep changes everything. I know this can be really hard.
4. If you love someone with bipolar disorder, you just might be frustrated, incredulous and worried once in awhile.
5. If you have consistent mood swings, you will not get better if you smoke a lot of pot. A proven fact. Sorry- it’s true.
6. Opiates only make you feel better in the moment. I know. I threw my Vicodin in the toilet because I liked it too much.
And finally…..
7. We all need a purpose. This illness takes so much from us. Let’s find activities and people who give our lives a sense of meaning.
Julie
I’ve been reading your blog for about two years now. I even ordered your books, but I haven’t read them. I knew I wouldn’t read them. Since I’ve been depressed it’s hard to concentrate. There’s also the fear of commitment to a book.
I don’t have anyone to see or anywhere to go. I lost my friends when I lost my job four years ago (up for debate as to whether or not they did it because of the bipolar). I had a few cousins I counted as friends, but they stopped talking to me as I got sicker. I have one cousin and one guy from work I talk to now, but I don’t talk to them much from fear of turning them away. I don’t go out. I live in Virginia and my cousin lives in Vermont and the guy from work lives two hours away. I try to go out with my sister, but always feel like the fifth wheel when I’m with her friends. I tried to make friends with a younger cousin who just moved into the area, but she only calls when she needs a ride or money and when I call her she’s rarely sober and when she is she doesn’t talk to me. Always says she’ll call back, but never does. Hanging with her is also not good because she always wants to go out to drink and I tend to self medicate with alcohol and she smokes weed and there’s the bi polar tells me it’ll make me feel better than alcohol, but I know it won’t and I feel silly sitting there not smoking when everyone else is.
I try to date off Craigslist (don’t have the money to pay for something better and found that when I did things didn’t work much different), but that has been a huge disaster. We email and never meet, or they ask why I don’t work and I tell them and it scares them off. I’m on social security now because of being sick. Lately I’ve just been telling them I got laid off because of the economy and haven’t been able to find a job and that’s partially true. I don’t tell them it’s been four years. The few I have met offline usually turn into a one time sex thing and the few that go beyond that last no more than a couple month
I’d like a job (mostly for the social interaction. I miss being allied with a group for a common goal), but don’t think I could hold one. Even on the meds I’m still messed up and get depressed a lot.
I tried to go to school part time this spring, even with all my book commitment issues and fear of failure. My application slipped through the cracks and I was neither accepted or denied. Every time I called about why I hadn’t gotten a letter they would say my application was under consideration. Then the admissions office closed for Christmas. Don’t know if I’ll try for the fall. That’s killed my purpose. It wasn’t just the program, which was very interesting to me and I was excited to learn more about and it’s the same kind of historical archaeology I want to research. It was an experiment to see if I can handle the stress of school and ease me into the routine of school. After all I’ve been through i can’t just jump into school. I didn’t finish high school and I barely got my BA. I am sicker now than I was then. The meds help, but I still have problems with stress and concentration. I don’t want to get into the middle of graduate school and have a breakdown or fail because the disease and meds have my mind messed up. I don’t know what the next step is. I don’t think I could hold a job if I wanted to, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on Social Security.
I take meds and go to therapy, but they don’t seem like enough.
Tia,
I am just like you Right now. Fear of failing before I start. UGH! I wake up everyday and wonder why I’m doing this thing called life at all. Tia,, I know this might not help you now, and I sure HELL hope It helps me, but we got to stay positive. The difference between other people and us is that they take control, and we’re losing it. I want to do so many things in my life, but I can’t even seem to start anything. I can’t seem to put in motion my ideas because I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid that I will put it down before opening page one, but, I will not anymore. I will change. I will finish something, and afterwards be proud. My bipolar is forever, yes, but I can’t let it effect everything I got. Tia, I hope I help you know that you are not alone girl. You are not the only one feeling this way. Your like me, searching for something that won’t come because WE won’t let it. Please Tia, next time you pick up a book, don’t feel like your not going to finish, just finish, then slam that sucker down,open the mother freaking window and scream IM FINISHED!