This is the latest installment of the bipolarhappens.com guest blogger series from Dawn:
The past few years have been extremely difficult. They would be
difficult for anyone, but when you throw schizoaffective disorder into
the mix, things seemed downright impossible! (Schizoaffective
disorder is a combination of bipolar or depression with schizophrenia.
Hell, in other words!) I was hospitalized in 2008 for suicidal
ideations and should have been hospitalized in 2009 for the same. In
fact, 2009 was worse than 2008. All I could think about was that my
life was an irreparable mess (broken marriage, severe financial
difficulties, low self-esteem, and an inability to hold down a job.
I didn’t see how I could get out from under). The only solution I saw
was to take myself out. However, even in that dark time, I still had
a minuscule will to live. I talked to a friend who understood me and
that helped.
I alternately searched the web for suicide websites and people who were living with mental illness. This is when I found Julie and started following her blog. I really liked her candor. I especially liked the fact that she blazed a trail and created a career for herself while dealing with bipolar disorder. That gave me a teeny bit of hope that I wasn’t doomed to fail because working was so difficult for me. It was difficult for her too!
I started to take better care of myself by going to support groups and being more compliant with my medication. I was referred to a wonderful psychiatrist and I kept the appointments. I slowly started nurturing my spiritual life again. It took a while, and I have experienced major outside difficulties, but I finally feel like I have regained at least a measure of stability.
Mental illness recovery has been a passion of mine, and I want to share my passion with others through coaching, speaking, and writing. I am hopeful and optimistic that I can achieve these goals because, through Julie’s example, I see that it can be done.
Dawn
A note from Julie: Dawn’s story makes me cry- out of understanding and empathy- sadness that we have to go through this. Her honesty will help so many people. . But her post also makes me smile. What a strong woman. she is- with a beautiful picture and with beautiful words. Thank you Dawn. Please leave comments and let Dawn know what you think!
As I read this (at work) I hold back the tears, but cling to a huge smile of admiration and love… Dawn has been thru so much but has shown us that with prayer and holding on just to that tiny bit of hope, we can over come. This should inspire the weak and encourage the strong to be even better. As a woman that has gone thru a bit of a depression, one must realize what their self worth is and learn to feed off that in every part of your life. Dawn is learning to do just that.
Kudos to Dawn for making a HUGE impact in several lives with this piece and growing even more beautiful each day!!
For years my mother has told me I was manic depressive. I was always VERY angry she kept saying that. A month ago myhusband said he is leaving me, we have three boys together. I think I’ve realized for a long time that I couldn’t control the shifts in mood and I have known that many times I had NO reason to be so angry but until he said he was leaving I refused to admit I needed help and that I was in fact suffering from bipolar. I think mine is a more mild case but here it is. In my teenage years I tried to kill myself twice. I have never held down a job for more than a few months. I go from happy go lucky, wanting to open new businesses, flip houses, and planning GREAT vacations to hating everyone but my kids, crying myself to sleep, seeing shadows in the corners of my eyes, and thinking noone loves me. I have never felt I deserved my children and my biggest fear has always been something will take them from me. I am currently in therapy and waiting for the appointment with my dr to start mood stabilizers. I must admit therapy alone has made a big difference. I can’t wait to see the dr and the improvements it makes (fingers crossed). I see lots of bipolar blogs where there is no hope, people have tried meds for years and have seen no relief, or they have just given up. I’m not going to give up. I deserve a better life, my kids deserve a better life, and I’m just hoping and praying it’s in time to save my marriage. So thank you for this more positive approach to living with this disease.
Hi Jessica,
Today is the first day that I saw your comment, hence my late reply.
I am very sorry to hear of your difficulties, especially in your marriage. I am encouraged, however, by your admission of having bipolar disorder and your willingness to seek help. This is a huge step and one that you are to be congratulated for taking! Moreover, I am really excited to hear that you have already decided that you won’t give up and quit. Good for you! I personally believe this decision will carry you on the road to recovery, even when things get tough.
I am so glad that I can encourage you in living successfully with bipolar disorder. Kudos to you for seeking help!! I wish you much success!!