by Noor Baizura
Every each one of us is unique.
That is why Stigma deserves a stick in the eye.
Our unique personality, experience and nature
Requires us to navigate how we interact and react
To the people and environment around us.
With Bipolar Disorder, we have unique reasons that triggers our highs and lows.
So we need a unique recipe, set of tools and map to navigate our road to recovery
For our unique and amazing destiny in Life.
There is wisdom in both our pains and pleasures, but are we ready to discover and embrace it?
This powerful awareness and knowledge is what I call The Unique Signature Relapse.
It is only after I studied the recurring patterns in my upward and downward bipolar spirals, that I was able to manage my health and condition with very limited medication and stop the vicious cycle of needing to be hospitalized for two weeks or a month almost every single year.
Previously, when I was falling into an episode, my family and people around me use to notice the change in my behavior, speech and actions way before I was aware that I was spiraling into an episode. As time went by, I grew tired of always having to debate with them about whether I was having an episode or not. Worse still, whether I needed to up my dose of medication that was already blanking my brains out even in small doses.
The worst part was always that, when I was excited about a brilliant idea, and I couldn’t wait to share it with people, they use to shut me off unintentionally by asking me if I had been sleeping properly or if I was taking my medications or not, or worse…that I should take my medication. Seriously?! Man…here I was trying to do something productive and amazing and this is the reaction I get? I couldn’t believe it.
Same goes for any issue that I felt strongly about. It was as if I was never allowed to raise my voice, or stand up for what I believed in, or even tell anyone my two cents worth of what is right or wrong because, being someone with bipolar disorder, we seem to be a champion of creating a mountain out of a molehill. Being emotional beings, we tend to emotionally charge up every single thing out of proportion to the extent that any form of emotional display sends people into a panic frenzy because they are afraid that we will fall into an episode.
Although I do not agree with my doctor a 100% of the time I must emphasize that it is important and good to have a doctor and medical support team back up for the bad days that neither my family nor my brains are capable of handling. Days of too many sleepless nights, till the point of hallucinations, or when you are in that state of being so restless that your body is really worn out and tired as heck but your brain just can’t stop bubbling with ideas and racing thoughts. So you start looking like a half dead, half alive Frankenstein, with cracked and painful heels that can’t stop walking. And when you’re too accident prone, feeling lightheaded and surviving on 5 minute naps as you half stand, half sit. And your face and eyes starts looking discolored, puffy or sunken…just basically worn out. Don’t do that, too many people with bipolar have died from such breakdowns from not seeking professional help.
Same goes for family support. Although I do not agree with everything they say or do, I must admit that on some days, when reality seems to slip beneath my feet, my family tries their best not to be my trigger and help me get back on my feet and get a grip, or just take away some responsibilities so that I can rest, recover and get myself together or take a break and chill, so that I can sleep and eat properly again and avoid getting hospitalized. And if it gets out of hand for them to cope, they convince me to take some medication, just to keep their sanity, so that I won’t end up losing mine.
Who am I?
They asked me if I am Crazy
As if I have not asked myself before
They medicated, restrained and locked me
As if…my freedom could start a war.
Manias and Depressions
The type that drowned me
and made me soar
Madness and Genius
that crowns me
That has made me score yet numb & sore.
Take me as I am
My Lord, You Created me
And so therefore…
In You I put my Faith, O Guide
Help me Navigate and Win This War.
Last but not least, and like the words in my poem, I must emphasize the importance of believing in God. I don’t intend to come off preachy, but honestly, when all else fails, I mean preferably BEFORE all else fails. To hold on to the rope of God, The Divine Creator, when your mind fails you, your judgement fails you, your emotions fail you, your insurance, your job, your boss, your family, friends, doctors and everyone seems to fail you… having a mustard seed of faith in God goes a long, precious, miraculous and divine way to have something to hold on to when there is nothing to hold on to except for the words that say hold on.
Let sincere prayers accompany your tears,
Till they dry away your tears.
Let sincere and forgiving prayers soothe you,
When anger seems to give in to your fears
Let sincere and honest prayers fill you
Till He heals you and gives you renewed strength
To take action and fulfill your mission
With the Gift of His Power from deep within.
Noor
About Noor Baizura:
Poet. Artist. Author.
4 upcoming books:
- “I am Not Crazy… I’m Cool”
Mastering the art of living with bipolar disorder
- “The Dog that cried Woof”
Fresh Perspective of understanding mental illness, societal stigma and self stigma
- “Living in a Bipolar City”
Navigating the Highs and Lows of Daily Living
- “Soul VS Ego”
The Balancing Act of our Heart, Mind, Body and Soul
Corporate Trainer in various Hospitals.
Real Estate Consultant.
Mental Health Advocate & Living with Bipolar since 17.
EXCO member, Assistant Honorary Treasurer and Head of Fundraiser for Club HEAL, a mental health non-profit organization in Singapore that helps to provide counselling, training, rehabilitation, education, eradicate stigma and raise awareness about mental health. Conducts Bipolar Support Group.
Please visit Noor’s Facebook page to connect and ask her questions.
